Because of you...

Throughout this journey, I have asked myself how this happened to my family and why? I have wondered many times how I was going to make it through the day without Cayden. I have looked at the pictures and relived the moments, desperate to rewind time. I have been determined that no matter what, I won't forget his every detail I studied for hours.

I knew the day that I found out Cayden had anencephaly, that I would never be the same. The moment I first saw him, the last kiss I placed upon him, and the moment he was taken from me, have changed me forever. I have learned so many things along the way, that only Cayden has showed me.

Cayden's life had so much purpose. He has taught me....
to live in the moment,
to have a little more patience,
to love a little stronger,
to try a little harder....

because of Cayden, I am...
a stronger woman,
a more loving wife,
a better Mother.

because of Cayden...
I know pain,
I know joy,
I know sorrow,
I know love.

I also have met some amazing woman that I would not have met if it weren't for Cayden. I have learned the hard way that everyday is not promised to us. Cayden gave me so much during the short time we had him. I long for the day we will meet again....

I Love you Cayden...

Baby Faith Hope's blog

I followed a blog during my pregnancy after finding out Cayden had anencephaly. It was the blog of a Mom named Myah. Her baby girl, Faith, had anencephaly and lived for 3 months. Her blog was one of the things that got me through my pregnancy and gave me hope. Please check out her blog: babyfaithhope.blogspot.com
Please read about Myah's dream of writing a book to change people's view on anencephaly by sharing our stories and photos. If anyone can help or knows of someone who can help Myah, please contact her.
I would love nothing more than to see this dream come true!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Cayden! First Christmas without you down and the rest of my life to go.....
I missed you so much today, but I know you know that. Christmas was not the same without you! Memo and Papa are here visiting. They got us a build a bear for you. He is so cute. Memo knew that was one of the many things we intended to do after we lost you. We wanted to build a bear to put your remains in. Memo got an ornament for our tree too. It is an angel with your name on it. The kids hung it on the tree together last night, it was so nice. There was an emptiness in the home without your presence. Every time I looked at Carter, I wondered what you would be doing if you were here with us. Memo and Papa also got my digital picture frame we have been wanting to put on our Cayden table. I was so excited for it to play all the pictures of you. We put the memory card in it from the hospital right away and within minutes I was crying. I know you are in a better place celebrating Jesus birthday with him and that makes me feel better, but it doesn't make it any easier getting through the day without you. I miss you and want you here with us so badly. I would have taken no presents under our tree to have you here instead. My first Christmas without my baby boy is almost over and if there was anything that I could have done to change it, I would have. There wasn't a second of the day that went by that I wasn't thinking of you, my love. Merry Christmas Cayden Ryan. I love you my baby boy.

Let it snow!

So we got our first big snow of the year last night. I went outside alone, looked up into the sky and falling snow and took a deep breath. I let the tears roll down my cheek.

It brought me back to Feb 6, 2010 when I was discharged from the hospital. I will never forget that day. The Dr came in my room, sat on the edge of my bed and said, we are discharging you today. Cayden has beat the odds and to be honest with you, we don't know how long he will live. We think it may be awhile though. We are giving you the option of leaving him here to pass away if it will be too much on you to take him home! ( I almost passed out when he said that) I let him know right away that I would never walk out of that hospital and leave my baby behind, if I was leaving...so was he! I remember being so happy, but so scared. They said they were going to leave it in the hands of hospice at this point. The neonatologist checked him and said, everything is still doing good and he is such a little fighter, I wish you all the best.
I remember being wheeled out of the hospital in the wheel chair with my two baby boys all wrapped up tight because there was a huge snow storm outside. Everyone was looking at me and saying awww. Someone said, "Oh my, look at that lady...twins!" Someone else said, "Congrats mamma" and all I could think was, if these people only knew.. I went into the lobby to wait for Ryan to pull the van up. I watched the snow coming down so hard, feeling a little nervous to take the babies out into it. The whole ride home I sat in the way back of the van with my baby boys. It was so beautiful outside... white everywhere! Now, I will forever think of the best and worst day of my life when I see snow. After arriving at home, little did I know, that Cayden was going to start having seizures every 10 minutes for the next 3 hours before passing away in my arms!
This has been such a bittersweet journey. Not very many people can understand. I know that I was very fortunate to have a baby in the end to tend to at home, but my other son still died. It still hurts. In the end, I am still a Mom who lost a baby to anencephaly. My heart is still broke and I still wish more than anything that I could wake up and this bad dream would be over.

Back to last night.....as I stood outside looking up in the sky as the snow fell all around me, I felt a sense of happiness, it felt good. Maybe the snow was a good way to remind me of that day that seems like it was yesterday. I went inside and shared with Ryan and the kids what I had just felt being in the snow again. Oh, how I wish that Cayden was here to play in the snow with us! We miss you and love you!
Love, Mommy

If people only knew....

I came across something on the internet tonight that absolutely broke my heart and angered me so much all at the same time! It was a forum on anencephaly. It showed pictures of babies born with anencephaly and a story about a mom who ctt a baby with anencephaly. Then below it was tons of comments, and what all these people wrote was terrible.
Half of them were making fun of the pictures saying the babies looked like a frog and the other half were ripping the mother to shreds saying that these babies should be aborted right away and the mother should be charged with child abuse for allowing a baby to be born like that and suffer. I wanted to scream at the computer as I was reading! I was so mad that people could say these things and nobody was able to defend them. These people are so clueless.
They have never carried their own anencephalic baby in their womb.....they have never looked into their child's eyes.....and loved them with everything in them...I know I am only one person, but I want to be a voice for our children. Our babies deserve life. It is not up to us to decide when to end a child's life. It just made me realize how many people have no idea and really think our babies are worth nothing because of their condition.
When I saw Cayden....I saw the most beautiful baby boy. He was so handsome. I loved to just look at him and now that I no longer have him to look at, I love to look at pictures of him. I miss him so much. I would carry him all over again in a second. I guess people just don't understand unless they have walked down this road. I think it just really hurt me to read those awful things people were saying.

I was given 64 hours with Cayden and they were the best 64 hours of my life. He was such an amazing little boy. He taught me a different kind of love.....a love that is so strong...
Cayden left my arms 315 days ago. It has been the hardest days of my life. It hurts so bad right now to think of having to live the rest of my life without him. It seems so unfair. My life will always be incomplete without Cayden in it.
Cayden, How long do you want to be loved?? Is forever enough cause I'm never, ever giving you up...... I love you and miss you.

Light your candles

Tomorrow is a special day and it also starts a new yearly tradition for our family. A year ago, I didn't know this day existed. The second Sunday in December is a worldwide day to light a candle in memory of all children that have died too soon. On this day, people around the world light a candle so that "their light may always shine." So tomorrow night at 7pm my family will be lighting 2 candles, as we take the time to sit down and remember Cayden.

The little project that I mentioned the counselor did with the kids was for this special day. She bought two taper candles and lots of multicolored bees wax. The kids decorated each of their own candle for Cayden with the bees wax and the candles will be lit tomorrow night in honor of him. Makes my heart happy thinking about it...anything to honor my special boy.

Here is a little poem that I found:

Children we remember
Though missing from our sight
In honor and remembrance
We light candles in the night

We will not forget
and every year in December
On Earth, we will light candles
As we remember

author unknown

So anyone and everyone, let your light shine!
Mommy misses and loves you Cayden!

Happy belated 10 month birthday Cayden

Well, I just realized that I didn't write on here to wish Cayden a happy 10 month birthday, so I will do so now. On Saturday, Dec 4th, we had driven over an our away to cut our own Christmas tree. We talked on the drive up about it being 10 months already and how we wished Cayden were here with us. We didn't arrive back home until after dark and I guess the evening got the best of me.

I am still shocked that Christmas is only a few weeks away. One second I feel so excited about it and the next, I feel motivation to do nothing. My grief feels like it is taking over at times, I don't even want to shop at all this year. I have never been like this. Ryan said to me the other day, " what has gotten into you, you haven't even hung the stockings?" I think the truth is that I don't want to! I am not ready to do this without him.

I know no matter how much time we get with our baby, it will never be enough. 1 hour, 1 day, 1 month....in the end, we will always want more. I wish I could go back in time and hold him just once more and kiss him just once more. I miss him so much.

The new counselor came this week to talk to the kids. We were all talking on the couch. She looked at me and said, "Mom, you are so strong." but what she doesn't know is that it is almost a state of numbness when I talk about it. I feel like I go to a different place. I am a Mom that has put on this suit of armor for other people... but on the inside is the real me who falls apart at random times of the day when nobody is here to see it. The visit went well. The kids really liked her and it really helped that she could relate. She told us that she had lost 2 sons, one passed away at birth to a heart defect. She brought a project to do with the kids because we were unable to make it to her pre-Christmas preparation after loss workshop. She is going to come back in 2 weeks for another visit with them before Christmas. I think it really helped them to talk about Cayden to someone besides us. Anthony even opened up to her a little.
I pray for both of my children's hearts as we approach this first holiday without their brother.

I miss you and love you Cayden.

Baby Rachel

A friend of mine that I met along this journey, Stacy, delivered her beautiful baby girl on Friday december 3rd. Her baby, Rachel, had anencephaly. I have followed her blog throughout the last few months of her pregnancy. I have prayed for her and cried for her. Today she laid her baby girl to rest and my heart aches for her... Please say a prayer for Stacy and her family as they are going through this hard time. Her blog is: thegiftofrachelslife.blogspot.com.

The good days and the bad

It always seems to amaze me how some days can be better than others. Some days I find myself smiling a lot and going about my day, but then there are the days where I am so sad and cry a lot and wonder how I have made it this far in this journey....I often wonder how other Moms have done it.

In the beginning, I was lucky enough to wake up and put one foot in front of the other. I remember sitting on the living room floor holding Cayden's things, crying, and falling apart, wondering how my life could go on without him. And sadly it has. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't give anything in this world to have him again, it just means that everyday I wake up and am a wife to my husband and a mom to my 3 other amazing kids. I have watched Carter grow up for the past 10 months and enjoyed every second of it while I grieved for his brother at the same time. I have overly held Carter, co-slept, and jumped at his every cry. Can you blame me? After losing Cayden, I have realized that all those things that other people and Dr's say "spoil" a baby, well they don't matter to me. Life is way too short to worry about any of that. Tomorrow is never promised. I try to live life day to day.

Last night I laid in bed for hours before I finally fell asleep. I was remembering when the nurse finally told me Cayden was still alive and then placed both babies in my arms for the first time. I remembered starring at him for hours because I wanted to remember everything about him forever. How badly it hurt the night he passed away and I had to say goodbye. Then I started to think about how hard Christmas was going to be without him and then right after Christmas their birthday and the day he went to Heaven.....
I know I will continue to have good days and bad days....it's just part of that "new normal" I have talked about before.
Right now I feel so thankful that I was able to carry him and be his Mommy until the Lord called him home. I would do it all over again. As hard of a journey as it is, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I just wish I could be a voice to all of the Moms trying to make that decision.

Cayden, your Mommy misses you more than you could ever know. I love you!

Smiling through the pain

Thanksgiving has come and gone... I was unable to write on the blog for the past week due to being in an area that had no Internet. I survived the day better than I thought I would, but I was saddened that Cayden was never brought up by any of my family. I spoke to Ant and Lexy about being thankful that he was part of our family and how he was looking down on us and with us in our hearts. I really didn't know how to be around everyone. I was so sad that he wasn't here with us, but didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so I kept it to myself. I feel kind of relieved that we will be home for Christmas where we can all cry together. I don't expect people to feel like I do, obviously it is going to affect me the most since I was his mother, but I think it hurt more not speaking his name then if someone would have.

I was finally able to get in touch with a grief counselor in the area. She is coming out to our house next week. I think that I pushed it to the side for too long and we all need it so much! The kids are affected so much more than they show. Anthony shuts you out and doesn't like to talk about it ( this is his way of dealing with it) and Lexy talks about Cayden non-stop and draws him about 20 pictures and letters a day. In almost every picture she draws, she is holding Cayden. I think that is because she always says she regrets that she didn't hold him while he was alive. It is amazing the love that she has for him!

I know that I am getting off track a little, but I must say that everywhere I go or everyone I talk to...... twins! I try to swallow hard and smile, but it gets hard sometimes. It hurts! It feels unfair! I want to know what that would be like, but I never will. I want Carter to be growing up with his brother. I think sometimes that people think I should be better now, but I will NEVER be better! I will be reminded for the rest of Carters life, every milestone Cayden WON'T be here for....birthdays, first day of kindergarten, graduation, etc.. I know some days will come easier than others, but I will always be a mother who lost a son. I will never see Cayden learn to walk or talk, go to college, or get married. My dreams for him were taken away from me. That hurts! I have come to realize that the only people who truly understand are the other Moms who have lost a child too. I am learning to live the life of a grieving mother. Trust me it's not fun. The smile that most see on my face everyday isn't real, but I do whatever it takes for my other children. I have been asked quite a few times if I have stopped trying to be someone else and allowed myself time? I don't think I have. I am scared to let that happen. I take time each night to cry for Cayden after everyone is asleep. I hope that is enough, I can't let myself go, I have so many people to be strong for. I just wish that he was here with us now..during the holidays when things are supposed to be joyous! Mama misses and loves you Cayden!

sleep....what's that?

So, here I am in much need of some sleep. I went to bed at 2 this morning and 6:30 came quick. Lately, I have not been able to sleep. I stay up half the night on the computer. Some nights I will be reading every ones blogs other nights I will be looking at my pictures from the pregnancy and birth and listening to the songs we played at the service. If I try to go to sleep I just lay there with a thousand thoughts. I feel like there is so much I want to say to everyone...I feel like there is something that I should be doing to keep Caydens memory alive and I just haven't figured out what it is yet.
My thoughts are always going....
Just the other day, the kids wanted to start writing a Christmas list. They were writing away for quite awhile, but when dinner was ready I told them to put up the papers and come to the table. Later that night after everyone was in bed, I was cleaning up the living room. I found Lexy's list and picked it up to read it. There was only 2 things written on the paper. I felt myself trying to hold back the tears as I read:

Lexy's Christmas List
1. computer
2. Cayden

That was all that was on the paper. It broke my heart. She had been over on the couch writing for quite awhile while I cooked and those were the only 2 things she could think of to write. I immediately started wondering what my poor daughters thoughts were as she sat on our couch writing a list that most kids would have made a mile long with toys. It's so sad. This Christmas is going to be so hard. My fridge is covered with pictures with Caydens name all over them that Lexy draws everyday. Cayden's table has a drawer that is full of letters and pictures that Lexy has written to him. It really is amazing how much Lexy misses and loves her baby brother. It is so beautiful, yet so sad. As I sat here writing..I am suddenly at loss of words...

hurting for and helping others

Tonight has been a tough night. I was trying to get caught up on some emails when I suddenly came across one that caught my attention. It was a link to a newspaper article about a woman in NC who just recently gave birth to a daughter that had anencephaly. I sat here for the past hour reading article after article and looking at all of these pictures of this beautiful, amazing family. It broke my heart! It also brought back every memory and feeling of that day 9 and 1/2 months ago. When I was told last September that baby b had anencephaly, I had no idea what it was, I couldn't spell it or pronounce it, now I find it hard to believe how many babies are diagnosed with it and how many families I have met who have lost or are losing a baby with anencephaly.

I wish I could tell all of these woman that I have met, befriended online, or read about how amazing they are...they chose to give their baby life and every child deserves that. I know it is every woman's choice and some may not agree with me, but after going through what I did, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I created lifelong memories with Cayden that I will cherish for the rest of my time. I have no regrets with the choice I made. I find peace in offering my support to woman who are now going through what I have been through. It feels so good inside to know that I can help them and answer any questions they may have or just be someone who understands. I have been there and felt how they feel. It can be scary. My heart breaks for all of these families.
I feel that lump in my throat where it feel so hard to swallow...the tears are uncontrollable. I would give anything to have changed what happened in my life(only losing Cayden), but I couldn't change it and I still can't, so I have to grow from it. I was given Cayden for a reason. He has made me a better person and taught me so much about this life. I will continue to miss my baby boy everyday....that will never stop on this side of Heaven, but my goal is to also continue to reach out to other moms going through the hardest decision any mom can make.
I miss you and love you Cayden!

"New Normal"

I was just sitting here thinking as I listen to the silence in my house. I was wishing so much that I could see Cayden again. I would love to know what he looks like now. Is he a 9 month old baby, is he playing with other babies? How can you not wonder? As long as he is in Heaven and I am here on Earth, I will always wonder and wish that I could know what he is doing. My heart really hurts right now...I wonder what my life would be like if I could have Cayden here. There would be no tears of pain and sadness, it would be so great. The rest of my life without my baby feels like such a long time!
If you asked me 10 years ago what my future looked like, I would have told you, well I really want to have 4 kids, but I would be happy with 3. That is the thing...too many people take children for granted, they never think it will happen to them....but as I look back...all of the signs were there. I remember telling Ryan when we talked about having a third child, " I really want another baby, but is it bad of me to want more when we have 2 healthy children already? Should I be happy with what we have? WOW, it really is scary to think that I said that. Then at my 8 week (first appt) when the Dr told me..."wait, hold on, there is 2 in there." I didn't believe him, I said,"yea right!" He went on to have a long talk with me. He told me that it may be overwhelming, scary, and exciting all at once, but in all reality twins is very scary because it is so high risk and the result isn't always two babies in the end. WOW! Was that a sign or what?
5 weeks later, I was told there was something wrong with baby b's head. The fear and overwhelming sadness I felt that day is embedded in me forever! At 17 weeks it was confirmed that baby b had anencephaly and would not live outside my womb. The words of that Dr telling me that his condition was incompatible with life will forever be etched in my head.
I came across this article the other day and wanted to share it:

What is Normal??

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize that someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act or feeling more comfortable at a funeral than at a wedding...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers or see a casket.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs or why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the tv on the minute you walk into the house for the noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is starring at babies ( in my case..my own baby) who look like they are my babies age and wondering if that is what my baby would look like and be doing.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it was an everyday activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing that it has become part of my "Normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really!

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the service is over, everyone else goes on with their life, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to lose your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing that I DO cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals or bodies, when you know they were someones loved one.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying (which I do A LOT) sharing how you feel with online buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in Australia, Canada, England, and all over the USA, but yet never have met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because...."
I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people try to think up excuses as to why babies are taken from this earth are not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering whether this time you are going to say you have four children, or three, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. And yet when you say that you have three children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is knowing that I will never get over this loss, in a day or in a million years.

and last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become your "new normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

~author unknown
After my last post and me trying to figure out my "new normal", when I came across this, it was so right on, I had to share it because this is my...new normal. and after meeting my little man and getting the 3 days with him that I was given...I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything!
I was the lucky one who was chosen to carry these two amazing boys. If only I could have carried them forever! I love you Cayden!

Happy 9 month birthday!

I will start by wishing both of my sweet boys a happy 9 month birthday. The months seem to be going by quicker. It seems like I was just on here writing for their 8 month birthday.
I really had a hard time taking Carter to the dr today. I was wishing so much that Cayden was going too. After Carters shots were done the dr said,"we will see you back at Carters 1 year old check up visit," suddenly it hit me....wow, time really is going by too fast! This time last year my kids still didn't know that our lives were about to change forever, both of my boys were still competing for room inside me and I was trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness, but knowing we were going to lose one of our babies.
Now, I find myself a year later, trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness after losing Cayden. Christmas is my favorite time of the year! I just love it so much, but now I am wondering how I am going to get through it. I know that I will put on my happy face for my children no matter how badly I am hurting inside!
I think that I have come to realize that the old me is gone. The day I lost Cayden, I left her behind and now I am just trying to piece the rest of it all together. There is a "new normal" in our lives. We will never go back to the "normal" we knew before. There will always be something missing from our life, the good days and the bad days will always come and go, and in the end the pain of not having Cayden here with us will always hurt so bad.
I love my kids so much, I was so excited to raise two more little boys and all my hopes and dreams for them were taken from me...I miss my Cayden. Mommy loves you for always.

nighttime

Reality always seems to hit me every night after I put the kids to bed. The house is calm and quiet... and suddenly something happens that takes my breath away and I just lose it. Don't get me wrong, Cayden is always on my mind, but during the day there is always something going on...
get the kids up. off to school. I need a shower. Carter needs to eat, play, nap and be fussy. the dog needs to be fed, let out or is barking to come in. grocery shopping. cleaning. homework. dinner. baths. put the kids to bed...
this is all part of my everyday life that I wouldn't change for a second. It is MY life...a good life...a great life actually, but it is kind of hard to think during all of this craziness, let alone take a second for myself to cry for my son... so when it gets quiet enough and still enough....I feel the emptiness suck me back in.

9 months has taught me that there will never be enough happiness, good times, laughter, or busyness to drown out the silence and emptiness that losing Cayden has left in my life. It just isn't right to have your child leave this life before you. I have a lot of happiness in my life everyday just waking up and seeing my husband and children, but the pain is right there with it. Nobody understands either...nobody SEES my daughter dance around the living room, holding a picture of Cayden to her heart, singing to him....nobody HEARS her say, "Mommy, I am sorry, but I love Cayden more than anyone else in our family because he needs more love since he isn't here with us." Nobody FEELS her tears drip on their arm as she is hugging me telling me that her only wish is for Cayden to be here with us again. This has been the hardest road to walk down. And I am certain it will only get harder as time goes on and I have to one day tell Carter about Cayden...and then Carter starts school and I see another set of twins starting kindergarten, but I have faith that I will get through these hard times.
Right now I am just floating down the river of grief....missing my little guy so much. and yes, some days I do still ask God...why? Can you blame me?
Cayden, Mommy misses you so much...I love you forever....

Always on my mind

I have been wanting to come on and write for many nights now. It seems like everywhere I go and everything I do, I am wishing Cayden was with us. I look at all of his pictures and feel so empty. My life feels so incomplete without him in it. I asked Ryan the other night, "where has time gone?" It feels like just yesterday we were trying to prepare for twins and then the worst day of a parents life and now here I am almost 9 months later. How can time go by so fast? I want to press a pause button. Everyone says it gets easier with time, but it certainly hasn't gotten any easier for me.

Recently, Ryan and I bought a beautiful table for our entry way. On the table is our favorite picture of Cayden in a frame. Next to his picture is his remains. Then there is a vase of flowers and a photo book of pics I had made for Ryan for father's day and a candle. I love looking at this table everyday! I want people to see it and know that he is still so much a part of our family. I still want to put a collage frame of pictures from the pregnancy and and another collage frame with pictures from the hospital above the table. It is not complete, but I feel good knowing that it is there.

I feel like such a different person since I lost Cayden. I don't have the patience to deal with anything in this crazy world. I hate hearing other peoples petty problems. I just want to live in my own little world and not have to deal with anything. I want to be with my family every second of everyday and hold them close to me. I don't want to take a second for granted!

Lexy came home from school today and was in a very bad mood. She started whining and complaining right away. I said, "come on Lex, you have only been home 2 minutes, lets not start already." Then she looked at me and said, " I had a bad day, ok? I have been thinking about Cayden all day!" I felt so bad. I can't even imagine how she goes to school and tries to concentrate with all these other things on her mind. Breaks my heart.

I know the night Cayden left us was the hardest night of my whole life. He passed away in my arms. We talked about keeping him for the night and having Teresa from the funeral home pick him up in the morning, but the funeral home and hospice didn't recommend it. They said that it may be scary for the kids. We were so torn on what to do. We didn't want to let him go. So we asked if they would give us a few hours before they came. We all held him and cried together. He was so beautiful that night..he looked like a porcelain doll. I wish I could have had more time. I would give anything to have him in my arms right now. I wish I could say that I have accepted what happened, but I have not! I feel like by saying and doing that I am leaving Cayden behind.

I remember when I was pregnant, almost every night I would go on the computer before bed and listen to a few songs that I had picked for him. One of them was lullaby by Dixie Chicks...I would sing it to the boys and cry. I miss feeling Cayden so full of life inside of me. Some days are so much harder than others. I think with the holidays approaching, it is only going to get harder as I am going to be wishing he was here with us. I know that we will get through it as a family though. I am so thankful to be married to Ryan. We sit and talk about Cayden almost every night together. We share our feelings and how much we miss him. Some nights we stand at Caydens table and just say nothing...I know Ryan is hurting too....we all are. There is no words to ever explain how much he means to us and how he has forever changed us. We will never be the same. We will always be missing a child, Cayden took part of me with him the day the Lord called him home. I miss you and love you so much Cayden.....

Today is WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day!

Today, October 15th is worldwide pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day! What a sad and happy day. It is so sad that we have to have a day like this, but it is such a happy day because the whole world takes time to remember and recognize the babies who left us too soon. I miss Cayden so much! We lit a candle tonight for Cayden and all the other babies! Rest in peace my love! Mommy loves you!

8 months ago today Cayden left my arms to go to a better place. My heart feels so heavy today as I think of so much. Some days are better than others, but today is just not a good day.
Lexy came home from school the other day crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Mommy, I tried to tell everyone in my class what happened to Cayden and they all laughed and said who cares." At that moment I tried to fight back the tears and give her a hug and tell her how sorry I was. I tried to explain that those kids aren't trying to be mean, they just don't understand. It is so sad that my baby girl has to go through this. A child her age is not supposed to have a worry in the world, but instead she cries all the time asking me why Cayden had to die?
Right now, I am at loss of words...
I came across this poem yesterday and want to share it..

Grief is Like A River

My grief is like a river.
I have to let it flow
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger,
My faith seems faint, indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in
Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.

8 months ago today, was the worst day of my life...a part of me was taken that I will never get back! My life will never be the same again...I miss you so much Cayden! Mommy loves you!

Happy 8 month Birthday Cayden!

Happy birthday Cayden! Wow, I have done it again! I am late posting this by a day again. It wasn't that I forgot though. I thought about it all day yesterday, I just wasn't by a computer most of the day and then I was so busy with the kids when I got home. I am finding it almost scary that the year anniversary of my sons birth is approaching rather quickly and that the year anniversary of losing Cayden is right after that. This time a year ago, Ryan and I were trying to find a way to tell Ant and Lexy that one of their brothers wasn't going to live! We waited 8 weeks to tell them. It was killing us that we were going to have to break their hearts. How do you sit down and tell a 5 and 9 year old that their world is about to be turned upside down and will never be the same again? Not only was my heart hurting so badly about just finding out about Cayden, but my heart was breaking for my other 2 children. People think in life that things like this will never happen to them and they take their children for granted, but it does happen...I am proof! The only thing that keeps me going everyday is my family and the fact that I know that Cayden is in a better place where he will never feel pain...and that when it is my time to leave this life...he will be there waiting for me! I miss you Cayden and I love you as much as a mother can possibly love!

Some people just dont get it

I really don't know how to start this.... All I can say is that some people really just don't get it! I have thought about and thought about it time again and I can't seem to figure this one out. If a woman was pregnant with twins and one of her twins passed away, do you really think that she wants to hear about twins all the time? I am like a magnet to people. I am wondering if it is just because they haven't gone through it or I am beginning to think that people are just plain hurtful. I mean seriously... I understand that twins are all over this world and they are a unique and wonderful thing and I am happy for the people out there who have healthy intact twins, but I do not. I was supposed to and sadly one of mine passed away. It has been 8 months tomorrow..which really isn't that long! I am still grieving for my son, why do you feel the need to talk to me about twins? I would never want to hurt somebody like that! I have come to a conclusion that all I can do is bite my tongue and pray for these people. I pray that nothing like this ever happens to them and that they will one day stop and realize how hurtful they are.

2010-10-02

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Time goes by too fast!

It is so crazy to me how fast time goes by these days. It seems impossible to think that almost 8 months has gone by since I gave birth to my twin baby boys.
It was the best, scariest, and worst day of my life! So many emotions all at once! I was feeling a lot of pressure and had gone into the hospital to get checked because when I called my Dr office said they couldn't see me for 2 weeks.. haha. what a joke..When I went to the hospital they checked me and said, "wow, you are almost 4cm dilated, we are going to keep you and monitor you for awhile"...well, 2 hours later, I was 5 cm, so they said, " call your husband, you are having the babies tonight." I was so scared.. I didn't want it to go this way...it was too soon. Cayden was still safe and growing inside me and I was still praying for a miracle. Then the stupid Drs ripped my heart out of me when they told me, " sorry, but we are not monitoring baby b due to his condition"...what?! Are you kidding me?..did I really just hear you correctly? So, you are saying that his life is worth nothing because of his condition? Shame on them!! It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.
So, as the night went on, the labor stopped. I ended up needing pitocin to start the labor again. Well, after a very long, hard, couple hours...Carter came into this world as healthy as can be...weighing 6lbs 7 oz(very big considering he was 5 weeks early). Well, unfortunately, Cayden didn't want to leave me. He fought so hard to stay with me. It took 3 very inconsiderate, rude, heartless Drs to get him out. After 30 minutes my precious baby Cayden came into this world. They swooped him away as I asked repeatedly...Is he alive? Is he ok? Where did you take him? What is going on? After about 5 minutes, the nurse said..well, he is alive..do you want to see him..or should we just take him away? Wow!! People really are crazy. He is my child. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks..I love him just as much as my other children! Of course I want to see him! As they placed him in my arms...I fell in love.. and knew that it was going to be the hardest thing in my life to let him go!! He belonged with me..in my arms!! Forever..how could life be this unfair?? Well, for the next 3 days..I barely let him go..I wanted him to know that when he left this life to go to a better place that his Mommy loved him so much. Cayden was such an amazing little boy. He fought to stay with us so much. The Drs and nurses couldn't believe that he was defying the odds. He eat, took a pacifier, held our fingers, and responded to everything. He cried and tried so hard to hang on and for this I am forever grateful!!! These Drs are so wrong.. they say that anecephalic babies can't do any of the things Cayden did, but it is all text book crap that they tell you.
On day 3..the Neonatologist came in my room and said, "well, we are releasing you to go home..we don't know how long Cayden will live, but we are going to get hospice to take over from here. My dreams had come true!! I was going home with both of my baby boys..God was amazing!! We were also getting a huge snow storm that day. It was so beautiful leaving the hospital with the snow falling and 2 babies in my arms. As we drove home, all I could do was cry..tears of joy and fear. We arrived home at 4pm. Cayden, then began to have seizures every 10-15 minutes. I have never felt so scared in my life. I held him and told him how much I loved him for the next 3 hours until he left us to go to Heaven. I believe that he waited to leave us so that he could see his home and leave the sterile walls of the hospital behind. Not a day goes by that I don't relive this over and over. I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children, but God had different plans for one of them. My heart breaks a little more everyday. It feels so good to share that day of our life with everyone. Cayden was such an amazing child and if I could share his story with the whole world, I would!

Happy 7 Month Birthday!

Well, I will start by saying: Shame on me for being a day late. Yestetrday Cayden would have turned 7 months old. I wish more then anything in this life that he was still here with us to celebrate all of his milestones with his brother! I feel so angry and sad that he was taken from us. I will never forget the day that I came home from the Dr and told Ryan and the kids that we were having twins! I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time, but at that time, I never felt like my family was more complete. To look back now that my perfect has been ripped away from me, it just doesn't seem fair! Our family has struggled with the pain and heartache of losing our baby boy. The days get a little bit harder and the pain gets a little bit deeper. We have all dealt with this in our own way and it has pushed us all apart in some ways and that hurts me. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids who I have to be strong for and keep going, but with that said, it doesn't make it any easier, it just means that I have to learn how to cope with losing Cayden and still be a wife and Mom. This is all still so new to me. I don't think people realize how hard it is to lose a child and still have a surviving child. It doesn't make it easier that I still got to bring a baby home because I still lost a child! My son that I carried for 35 weeks died in my arms! Can people really think it was easy since we knew in advance? I wish people could imagine knowing for 18 weeks that you had your son living and growing inside you, but that he wasn't going to make it. Well, I have gotten off of the reason I came on tonight. It wasn't supposed to be to vent. I just wanted my angel in heaven to know that Mommy loves him and misses him so much! You stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on you in my first ultrasound. good~night Love!!!

so lonely

I was lying in bed tonight when I got this urge to get up and write on here. I just felt so empty inside and lonely! My heart is aching and I am yearning to hold my sweet baby boy. I have relived every second of Caydens life over and over in my head and it hurts a little more each time. I would give anything to be sitting in the hospital holding both of my boys again and to have his finger wrapped around mine. It just seems so unfair. It really sucks because life has gone on for everyone else, but not for me. I put on this happy face for everyone, but I am screaming on the inside! I remember being pregnant and how amazing it was to feel the both of them everyday. I miss that feeling! Everywhere I go someone talks to me about twins. I feel like I am being haunted by it. It makes me not want to leave my house, but the reality of it, is that I have a family that needs me to be strong and everyday, I get up and do the best I possibly can for them. I think Cayden would want me to do that. I really want to be happy and I try, but some days it is harder than others. Somedays I try to avoid anything that reminds me that Cayden is gone cause it hurts too much, but then other days I cling to every memory cause I don't ever want to forget how perfect he was to me. When I was in the hospital, I tried to hold him all the time because I was so scared that at any minute he was going to leave me and I wanted him to know that he was safe in his Mommys arms when it was his time to go.
I had twins, although it was only for a short time, I will always be the mother of twins. I miss him so much. I am going to go to bed and hold Cater close to me now.

Happy 6th month birthday

Happy 6 month Birthday my angel in heaven!! I wish so much you were here with us to celebrate this milestone, but I know you are up above watching over us. My heart aches more for you everyday. I never knew it could hurt this bad!! Your short time here with us was the best time of our life!! I know though I will see you again one day!! We miss you and love you so much!! xoxoxo

Happy 5 month Birthday!!

Happy 5 month birthday Cayden! It is so hard to believe how fast the time has gone! I miss you more and more each day! We went and saw the most beautiful firework show tonight and I thought of you the whole time, wishing more then anything, that you were there with us. My days have been busy lately, but my heart feels so heavy with sadness. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you and wish so much you were still with us! The other night we were out to dinner and Lexy wanted everyone to say something about you. We all talked about you and cried! Nobody will ever understand how much you touched our hearts and changed our life forever! So tonight as I lay my head to sleep, I will think of you and remember those 3 days I had with you 5 months ago. I miss you and love you so much!! Mom xoxoxo

4 month birthday

Happy 4 month birthday Cayden! I can't believe it has been 4 months today. I miss you so much and would give anything to have you back. Lexy talks about you constantly and wishes she could hold you. She told me the other day that she will see you again in heaven one day. We all love you! xoxoxo

I wanted to take a minute to write tonight, it seems as if time has gotten the best of me lately! We are so crazy busy trying to prepare for the move, but not a day goes by that I don't think of my Cayden and wish he was still here with us. When I look at Carter, I can't help but smile. I just love him so much, but it feels so unfair that I don't have Cayden to look at and feel the same way. My little Lexy loo talks about Cayden ALL the time. She asked me the other night why it has to hurt so bad? I didn't have an answer for her though. It feels like it hurts a little more everyday. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. I do ok during the day while I'm really busy, but when everyone is in bed asleep, I fall apart. I think about the days we spent with him and how lucky we were to be given that time, but yet it doesn't feel like it was long enough! What I'd give to hold him in my arms again! Good-night my love, I love you so much more then you'll ever know! Love, Mom

another sweet poem

So here I am again, crying over my computer. I seem to do that a lot lately. I am looking into a website called names in the sand, where you have your childs name written in the sand with a beautiful sunset in the background. While on the website I came across this poem and it was amazing how true it rang to me. I have always loved poems. I used to write my own growing up to express my feelings. So I am going to share it with you all!

Thinking of you with Love
We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
We think of you in silence,
we often speak your name.
All we have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we will never part.
God has you in his keeping,
we have you in our hearts.
A million times we've wanted you,
A million times we cried.
If love could only have saved you,
you never would have died.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn't go alone.
For a part of us went with you...
the day God called you home!
Wow, it really is exactly how I feel! Although, No words can ever express how much I truly miss my Cayden!

A poem for you baby boy

A Mothers Love
I didn't have to look into your eyes,
to fall in love with you.
I didn't have to hear you cry,
to know you loved me too.
I didn't need to hold your hand,
to cherish you for always.
within my womb, we shared our hearts,
you touched my soul,
you sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories, I'll always hold dear.
yes, my heart aches since you departed too soon,
but a mothers love does not end with death.
for you are my child,
forever my love is yours!
I miss you Cayden Ryan Burns!

Happy 3 month birthday!

Happy 3 month birthday Cayden!! It is so hard to believe that 3 months ago today you were born and I was holding you in my arms! I remember laying in the hospital room with Memo and I couldn't believe that you had defied the odds and you were still with us. I would give anything to go back to that moment! I miss you so much! Love, Mom

Walking for Cayden

Hi, I want to apologize for allowing such a long time to pass without writing. Things have been quite hectic around here as we are preparing for the big move! We recently went to the Cape looking for a home and now we are headed to Maryland for a week for Ryan's work. Only seven weeks left until we start on our next journey in life. With all that said, I have started a team with March of Dimes in honor of Cayden. It is something that I feel I need to do so that other families don't have to go through what we went through! I am in the process of having t-shirts made with his picture on them. Ryan and I can't wait until we can wear the t-shirts with our precious baby's picture on it. Ryan was saying tonight, "oh we'll have to buy the sweatshirts, hats, bags, we are buying it all." I am looking forward to the big event at Cape Cod Canal on June 27th. I love anything that has to do with keeping Cayden's memory alive! Now, the next hardest thing is going to be leaving my home where my baby came home to, where he lay in my arms and where he left us to be in a better place. It is going to kill me, but he's coming with us everywhere we go, so I have faith that I will be ok! I love you Cayden Ryan. You are the last thing I think of as I lay my head on pillow every night wishing you were in my arms!

I was just sitting here tonight holding Carter and I had this urge to go on my blog and listen to all the songs that remind me of my sweet boy, Cayden. As I look at his picture and ashes on the mantle, all I can do is let the tears roll. I don't think that I do that enough and I fear the day that this really hits me. Little Carter has been having some tummy problems lately and has been extra fussy. I wonder sometimes if having his brother here would help him out a little. He must miss his touch. They were together and fighting for space and keeping each other company for 35 long weeks. I heard that when you have twins, you are supposed to let them sleep together cause they comfort each other. So, with that in mind, I must assume that having Cayden here would help Carter in some way. I think we all miss him so much, there are no words to even express the emptiness we all feel. I was holding Carter the other day at my daughters school and had a woman ask me, "can you imagine having two of him?" I was at loss of words. I wanted to scream- yes, I had 2 of him and I would give anything to have two of him again, but instead I just smiled at her. And for some reason, the whole twin thing seems to be haunting me. I see twins everywhere I go and read about twins and it feels so overwhelming sometimes. We are getting ready to go to Cape Cod this weekend and I can't help, but wish Cayden was here to go with us. You'll be their with me in my heart baby boy. Good-night, we love you!!

Today feels like it's going to be a good day, the sun is shining and the sky is so blue!
Yesterday wasn't such a good day, lots of sad thoughts and tears. I miss my baby boy so much! My daughter seems to be sad about Cayden a lot these past few days. I think with her Daddy gone- it makes it worse. How can a 5 year old have regrets already? She told me last night that she wishes she hadn't been scared of Cayden and she wishes she would have held him and kissed him in the hospital. It broke my heart! I had one thing I knew before I had Cayden and it was that I didn't want any regrets and I really felt that I did a good job holding true to that after Cayden left us, but it saddens me that my baby girl is having regrets instead.
I also told a friend of mine to never be scared to talk to me about Cayden, he was my child and I am happy when I speak about him. A few days later she came across this poem and sent it to me. The words couldn't be more true! I will share it.
Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
the one that died, you know.
don't worry about hurting me further,
the depth of my pain doesn't show.
don't worry about making me cry,
I am already crying inside.
help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I am hurt when you just keep silent,
pretending he did not exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
knowing that he has been missed.
you ask me how I am doing,
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
but healing is something ongoing,
I feel it will take a lifetime!

Amazing words! I am going to go enjoy this beautiful day that God has given me and think happy thoughts of my baby boy looking down on us. My love to all!

Hello, sorry for the delay in writing. I am still struggling to find the words to say when I talk about what has happened. We are all doing good- holding up as much as possible. The presence of my 3 beautiful children have given me strength to put one foot in front of the other everyday. Anthony and Lexy are going to school and having some much needed fun playing soccer. Carter is doing well also. He is such a good baby! He has finally started gaining weight now. We all love to cuddle him so much! He has been a big part of our strength through all of this! We all miss Cayden so dearly, but we are so grateful for the 3 days we were given to get to know him and show him how much we loved him. I believe that we were given Cayden for a reason- he has taught us so much. Our lives are forever changed! The 3 days we were given with him are irreplaceable and will never be forgotten!
Thank you to all for your thoughts, prayers, and support!!!

Happy one month birthday Cayden- we miss you more then anything! Not a day goes by when we don't think of you and wish that you were here with us! We love you!

Well, I am trying to get the hang of this blogging. Today was a good day. Ryan and I went to see our counselor for the first time since we lost Cayden. We were both very nervous how it was going to feel since the last time we were in the office I was still pregnant, but it was actually ok. It was nice to talk about Cayden so much. Our counselor is such an amazing woman. She was at the hospital with us after the birth and she has a way about her that puts you at ease!
Ryan and I talked about how quiet it is at the house now that everyone is gone and how it's lonely and sad. The kids are back to school now which should give us more time to think about missing our sweet little boy Cayden. I look at Carter all the time and see his brother in his eyes. It really breaks my heart when I think about how I will someday have to tell him about his twin he had. This past month seems like such a dream. Nothing feels real yet.
I do want to say thank you to everyone. All of our family, friends, people who have prayed for us, came to the hospital, sent flowers, all the nurses and Doctors, Albemarle hospice, our photographer from NILMDTS, Chaplin Tanis, and everyone who accepted a place in their heart for Cayden. Everyone has been an amazing part in helping us through the hardest time in our life and we appreciate you more then you'll ever know!
Caydens memorial service was so bittersweet. It was so sad, but yet I still felt joy. I am one of the luckiest Moms on earth to have been given the privilege of having such a beautiful son that touched my life and so many others! Thanks to all of the men that work with Ryan who came to show their support and all our great friends and family who came. And of course to Chaplin for making it so beautiful and Twiford funeral homes for their help also. It was a day I'll never forget.
I have only one last thing to say tonight- I am a very proud mama of 4 great kids! I can't imagine my life now without my beautiful baby Carter who has made his way into all of our hearts and Cayden will live on forever in him. It was such an honor to be Caydens mother for the short 3 days I was given! I miss you and love you baby boy!

My name is Christina Burns. I am starting this blog to honor the memory of our son Cayden who was taken from us too soon from a neural tube defect called anencephaly. I was told in Aug. 09 that we were having twins. We were so overwhelmed with joy, but a short month later our lives came crashing down when we were told that baby b had something we had never heard of, a condition called anencephaly. We were then given the options of carrying both babies to term, selective reduction( terminating baby b) or ending the whole pregnancy. The choices were never even considered, I knew immediately that I would carry them both to term and let God decide when he would take our sweet baby. I went home from the specialist that day with so many questions. I researched anencephaly for hours on the computer only to come across terrible images of babies with this diagnosis. I cried myself to sleep every night asking why.
All I had left to look forward to was my next ultrasound so I could see both my babies and pray they were wrong. I was lucky enough that I had to have an ultrasound every month to make sure everything was ok with baby a, but I was always told nothing had changed. When I asked for ultrasound pictures, I was always told no, they were not something I would want, so I always went home with pictures of his feet or hands, but finally when I was about 30 weeks pregnant, we demanded pictures of both babies and to my surprise, it was one of the most beautiful pictures I'd ever seen. He was so perfect to me regardless of what he had. 5 short weeks later, my precious baby boys were born 26 minutes apart. Cayden amazed us all and lived almost 3 days. We even got to take him home from the hospital. He went to heaven 3 hours after arriving at home. Cayden- we miss you so much!!