Thursday, October 21, 2010

Always on my mind

I have been wanting to come on and write for many nights now. It seems like everywhere I go and everything I do, I am wishing Cayden was with us. I look at all of his pictures and feel so empty. My life feels so incomplete without him in it. I asked Ryan the other night, "where has time gone?" It feels like just yesterday we were trying to prepare for twins and then the worst day of a parents life and now here I am almost 9 months later. How can time go by so fast? I want to press a pause button. Everyone says it gets easier with time, but it certainly hasn't gotten any easier for me.

Recently, Ryan and I bought a beautiful table for our entry way. On the table is our favorite picture of Cayden in a frame. Next to his picture is his remains. Then there is a vase of flowers and a photo book of pics I had made for Ryan for father's day and a candle. I love looking at this table everyday! I want people to see it and know that he is still so much a part of our family. I still want to put a collage frame of pictures from the pregnancy and and another collage frame with pictures from the hospital above the table. It is not complete, but I feel good knowing that it is there.

I feel like such a different person since I lost Cayden. I don't have the patience to deal with anything in this crazy world. I hate hearing other peoples petty problems. I just want to live in my own little world and not have to deal with anything. I want to be with my family every second of everyday and hold them close to me. I don't want to take a second for granted!

Lexy came home from school today and was in a very bad mood. She started whining and complaining right away. I said, "come on Lex, you have only been home 2 minutes, lets not start already." Then she looked at me and said, " I had a bad day, ok? I have been thinking about Cayden all day!" I felt so bad. I can't even imagine how she goes to school and tries to concentrate with all these other things on her mind. Breaks my heart.

I know the night Cayden left us was the hardest night of my whole life. He passed away in my arms. We talked about keeping him for the night and having Teresa from the funeral home pick him up in the morning, but the funeral home and hospice didn't recommend it. They said that it may be scary for the kids. We were so torn on what to do. We didn't want to let him go. So we asked if they would give us a few hours before they came. We all held him and cried together. He was so beautiful that night..he looked like a porcelain doll. I wish I could have had more time. I would give anything to have him in my arms right now. I wish I could say that I have accepted what happened, but I have not! I feel like by saying and doing that I am leaving Cayden behind.

I remember when I was pregnant, almost every night I would go on the computer before bed and listen to a few songs that I had picked for him. One of them was lullaby by Dixie Chicks...I would sing it to the boys and cry. I miss feeling Cayden so full of life inside of me. Some days are so much harder than others. I think with the holidays approaching, it is only going to get harder as I am going to be wishing he was here with us. I know that we will get through it as a family though. I am so thankful to be married to Ryan. We sit and talk about Cayden almost every night together. We share our feelings and how much we miss him. Some nights we stand at Caydens table and just say nothing...I know Ryan is hurting too....we all are. There is no words to ever explain how much he means to us and how he has forever changed us. We will never be the same. We will always be missing a child, Cayden took part of me with him the day the Lord called him home. I miss you and love you so much Cayden.....


  1. 9 months is not a lot of time. Give yourself a break and take as much time as you need. I'm not sure that even if it does really get easier that it will ever not hurt. Not on this side of heaven. I still can't believe he lived 3 days...what a miracle baby! you're in my thoughts and prayers
    love, Stacy

  2. Followed you here from Stacy's blog :-)

    It's only been 3 weeks for me but I have had that same lack of patience for what are seemingly "petty" problems since before Sammy was born. I really wanted to fuss at the pretzel lady at the mall last week "my baby just died two weeks ago - can I least have the pretzel I want to eat? not this salty one?" Seems like the little things should all go well if we have to deal with this horrible big thing. *sigh*

    Cayden is adorable by the way, I love his name.

  3. I don't have patience to listen to other people's petty problems either, not when my baby is going to die. Sometimes I look around and wonder how anybody can be so incredibly cheerful or happy, when a sweet precious baby is going to die. I know it's irrational, but that's how I feel.