Sunday, September 5, 2010

Happy 7 Month Birthday!

Well, I will start by saying: Shame on me for being a day late. Yestetrday Cayden would have turned 7 months old. I wish more then anything in this life that he was still here with us to celebrate all of his milestones with his brother! I feel so angry and sad that he was taken from us. I will never forget the day that I came home from the Dr and told Ryan and the kids that we were having twins! I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time, but at that time, I never felt like my family was more complete. To look back now that my perfect has been ripped away from me, it just doesn't seem fair! Our family has struggled with the pain and heartache of losing our baby boy. The days get a little bit harder and the pain gets a little bit deeper. We have all dealt with this in our own way and it has pushed us all apart in some ways and that hurts me. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids who I have to be strong for and keep going, but with that said, it doesn't make it any easier, it just means that I have to learn how to cope with losing Cayden and still be a wife and Mom. This is all still so new to me. I don't think people realize how hard it is to lose a child and still have a surviving child. It doesn't make it easier that I still got to bring a baby home because I still lost a child! My son that I carried for 35 weeks died in my arms! Can people really think it was easy since we knew in advance? I wish people could imagine knowing for 18 weeks that you had your son living and growing inside you, but that he wasn't going to make it. Well, I have gotten off of the reason I came on tonight. It wasn't supposed to be to vent. I just wanted my angel in heaven to know that Mommy loves him and misses him so much! You stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on you in my first ultrasound. good~night Love!!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Dear Chrissy... I know so much of how you are feeling although our situations are completely different. I would never think it would be easier for you since you have Carter. I think for alot of reasons it would be so difficult. You see his milesones every single day and you wonder about Cayden's. I constantly wonder what our little one would've been doing... I keep up with his "birthday" and remember Khila's milestones for each month. It, I imagine, is much harder for you. I know there is nothing I can do, but I'm always here to talk if you need to, or catch me online (I'm usually on facebook, but you would have to msg me for me to log on to chat). If you're anything like me you are probably hurting way more than you let on. I always put a smile on my face and pretend it's all good when I'd rather go hide somewhere and just cry my eyes out and scream about the unfairness of it all....