Saturday, October 2, 2010

Time goes by too fast!

It is so crazy to me how fast time goes by these days. It seems impossible to think that almost 8 months has gone by since I gave birth to my twin baby boys.
It was the best, scariest, and worst day of my life! So many emotions all at once! I was feeling a lot of pressure and had gone into the hospital to get checked because when I called my Dr office said they couldn't see me for 2 weeks.. haha. what a joke..When I went to the hospital they checked me and said, "wow, you are almost 4cm dilated, we are going to keep you and monitor you for awhile"...well, 2 hours later, I was 5 cm, so they said, " call your husband, you are having the babies tonight." I was so scared.. I didn't want it to go this way...it was too soon. Cayden was still safe and growing inside me and I was still praying for a miracle. Then the stupid Drs ripped my heart out of me when they told me, " sorry, but we are not monitoring baby b due to his condition"...what?! Are you kidding me?..did I really just hear you correctly? So, you are saying that his life is worth nothing because of his condition? Shame on them!! It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.
So, as the night went on, the labor stopped. I ended up needing pitocin to start the labor again. Well, after a very long, hard, couple hours...Carter came into this world as healthy as can be...weighing 6lbs 7 oz(very big considering he was 5 weeks early). Well, unfortunately, Cayden didn't want to leave me. He fought so hard to stay with me. It took 3 very inconsiderate, rude, heartless Drs to get him out. After 30 minutes my precious baby Cayden came into this world. They swooped him away as I asked repeatedly...Is he alive? Is he ok? Where did you take him? What is going on? After about 5 minutes, the nurse said..well, he is alive..do you want to see him..or should we just take him away? Wow!! People really are crazy. He is my child. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks..I love him just as much as my other children! Of course I want to see him! As they placed him in my arms...I fell in love.. and knew that it was going to be the hardest thing in my life to let him go!! He belonged with me..in my arms!! Forever..how could life be this unfair?? Well, for the next 3 days..I barely let him go..I wanted him to know that when he left this life to go to a better place that his Mommy loved him so much. Cayden was such an amazing little boy. He fought to stay with us so much. The Drs and nurses couldn't believe that he was defying the odds. He eat, took a pacifier, held our fingers, and responded to everything. He cried and tried so hard to hang on and for this I am forever grateful!!! These Drs are so wrong.. they say that anecephalic babies can't do any of the things Cayden did, but it is all text book crap that they tell you.
On day 3..the Neonatologist came in my room and said, "well, we are releasing you to go home..we don't know how long Cayden will live, but we are going to get hospice to take over from here. My dreams had come true!! I was going home with both of my baby boys..God was amazing!! We were also getting a huge snow storm that day. It was so beautiful leaving the hospital with the snow falling and 2 babies in my arms. As we drove home, all I could do was cry..tears of joy and fear. We arrived home at 4pm. Cayden, then began to have seizures every 10-15 minutes. I have never felt so scared in my life. I held him and told him how much I loved him for the next 3 hours until he left us to go to Heaven. I believe that he waited to leave us so that he could see his home and leave the sterile walls of the hospital behind. Not a day goes by that I don't relive this over and over. I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children, but God had different plans for one of them. My heart breaks a little more everyday. It feels so good to share that day of our life with everyone. Cayden was such an amazing child and if I could share his story with the whole world, I would!

3 comments:

  1. Wow Chrissy the page is great!! I love it so much, you write such wonderful things,I love coming on here atleast once a week just to see my handsome nephew! Gosh you have been through so much, im sorry. He inspired so many things in my life, I think about him everyday. Carter is such a love,you are a great momma and I am happy to say you are my sister:) I love you.

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  2. He's beautiful, Chrissy. He looks so big and snuggly. :o) I am baffled at how the doctors handled everything. It is really sad that they don't see what a blessing he is. Maybe your love for him and his strong desire to stay with you will help them see differently in the future. I pray for 3 days with my baby. thank you for sharing your story to encourage us walking this road. love,Stacy

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  3. I had no idea that you had to go through all that with the doctors! I'm so sorry you had to, as if things weren't difficult enough for you! It amazes me how calloused people can be. With my situation, I've hoped that one day people could just understand what it's like and how it feels, before they judge. But I also realize in order for people to understand they would have to go through it as well, and I don't wish that on anyone. I just gave up on the people that didn't try to be understanding, and held close the ones that did. Take care!

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