nighttime

Reality always seems to hit me every night after I put the kids to bed. The house is calm and quiet... and suddenly something happens that takes my breath away and I just lose it. Don't get me wrong, Cayden is always on my mind, but during the day there is always something going on...
get the kids up. off to school. I need a shower. Carter needs to eat, play, nap and be fussy. the dog needs to be fed, let out or is barking to come in. grocery shopping. cleaning. homework. dinner. baths. put the kids to bed...
this is all part of my everyday life that I wouldn't change for a second. It is MY life...a good life...a great life actually, but it is kind of hard to think during all of this craziness, let alone take a second for myself to cry for my son... so when it gets quiet enough and still enough....I feel the emptiness suck me back in.

9 months has taught me that there will never be enough happiness, good times, laughter, or busyness to drown out the silence and emptiness that losing Cayden has left in my life. It just isn't right to have your child leave this life before you. I have a lot of happiness in my life everyday just waking up and seeing my husband and children, but the pain is right there with it. Nobody understands either...nobody SEES my daughter dance around the living room, holding a picture of Cayden to her heart, singing to him....nobody HEARS her say, "Mommy, I am sorry, but I love Cayden more than anyone else in our family because he needs more love since he isn't here with us." Nobody FEELS her tears drip on their arm as she is hugging me telling me that her only wish is for Cayden to be here with us again. This has been the hardest road to walk down. And I am certain it will only get harder as time goes on and I have to one day tell Carter about Cayden...and then Carter starts school and I see another set of twins starting kindergarten, but I have faith that I will get through these hard times.
Right now I am just floating down the river of grief....missing my little guy so much. and yes, some days I do still ask God...why? Can you blame me?
Cayden, Mommy misses you so much...I love you forever....