Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Another hard moment

I had a moment tonight... a moment where I was taken completely off guard... I was not expecting it and I can not even put into words the pain I felt. It almost felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my chest....I couldn't breath...I was at loss of words...and the only thing that could go though my head was....get me out of here!!

I have been faced with twins many times since losing Cayden. I have talked on here about my struggles with the twin thing too, but I don't think that I have ever been put at a table with another woman carrying twins...twin boys. And I really didn't expect it to hurt so bad!

I went over to a friends house tonight for a girls night out of bunco...Now, I am not the type to go out. I love being at home with my family. When I am away from them, I feel guilty and wish I was with them. I think a lot of this has happened after losing Cayden. So, I had a few friends who talked me into going. As I was sitting at one of the tables, one of the girls made a remark about having 2 baby boys inside her...I did not know the girl. But suddenly people around me were talking non-stop about her being pregnant with twin boys. A few of the girls even knew what had happened to me. I have never wanted to leave a room so quickly. I found myself avoiding the conversation and trying to fight back the tears. I wanted to tell her that she was not guaranteed 2 babies in the end, but I didn't.

Now, I am back at home with my broken heart. I am reminded that life is NEVER the same after losing a baby and nobody will ever understand. Girls nights out...are not just a good time anymore. I am reminded how unfair life can be. I just want my baby in my arms. I want to remember what it's like to NOT have one of your babies say, "I had twin boys!" without saying that one of them is in heaven now.

There is nothing easy about this journey. I know as time has gone on, the days get a little easier, but in the end, no matter how much time has still long for the baby you lost and the reminder is always there. The pain is always right there waiting to resurface. The only people I knew could comfort me, was my husband and kids that were at home or my other baby loss mama's.

I thank God and also all of you who lift me back up when I am down. I know as hard as this journey gets and as sad as I am tonight...tomorrow is a new day and I will get through it. Cayden is always with me..even tonight he was with me. I just carry him in my heart instead of in my arms.

Mama misses you and loves you so much Cayden.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Heaven is for Real

I just finished reading the book: "Heaven is for real." What a great book! I highly recommend it. There were so many parts in the book that made me cry and my heart smile. I hope heaven is exactly how Colton says it is...I look forward to the day I will hold my baby boy in my arms again, but until that day comes, it makes my days easier to think of heaven and how beautiful it is and to know that he is with all our other family and friends who left us too soon.

My faith has certainly been tested during everything we have been through. When I was a little girl I went to church every Sunday with my grandma in Vermont and I remember that I loved going! I went to Sunday school and I learned all about God and Jesus. I have tons of memories and pictures of all the plays I was in with my church. We moved away to Florida when I was in middle school, I started getting in with the wrong crowds and getting into trouble and I ended up going to church by myself to stay out of trouble. I remember going with my youth group in FL to a horse camp in GA, it was so much fun. I went to church during most of my childhood days and somewhere along the way, I stopped going. There was no reason. I still believed. I still prayed. I just didn't go to church anymore.

When I found out Cayden was not going to live long, my faith was tested. I asked, why? I struggled to find a reason why God could let such horrible things happen, but I never stopped believing. I still prayed almost every night. I knew the night Cayden passed away that he was with us...carrying us through it all.

While I was pregnant I was sent a care package from Laura with http://http// The package contained a book called, The One Year Book of Hope. A few months after I lost Cayden, I began reading it and also reading my bible from when I was younger. I found such strength and healing in reading these. I have wanted to go back to church for a long time now, but I haven't taken that step yet. I feel out of place being in a new area and not knowing anyone or not even knowing which church to go to. I know these things shouldn't matter though.

I still question so much, but try to keep my faith. I know that my baby boy is in the arms of the Lord... safe and pain free. and everyday gone is one day closer to being together again. Colton's stories were such a blessing for me to read. It was exactly what I needed. It will be so amazing to meet again in heaven.

I am reminded everyday of all the blessing in my life. Thank you Lord.

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 day

I will start by saying thank you to Angie with . She has started a project called: Right Where I am. It is for parents to share where they are at with their grief whether it has been 5 months or 5 years. I think it is such a good idea.

It has been 1 year 4 months and 1 day since Cayden died. My heart is still every bit broken as it was the day he left my arms, but the pain has gotten more bearable. It seems to me like ever since I got Cayden's diagnosis, my life has been on fast forward. I know that it is because my 3 children keep me so busy. Most days it feels like forever since I last saw Cayden, but there are times where it feels like just yesterday.

My days are much easier to get through, but I do still fall apart. My grief is random instead of all the time. It can sneak up on me when I am least expecting it.

I am able to live my life and enjoy every second with Ryan and my 3 other kids. I smile and I laugh. I do normal everyday things. I never thought I would be able to do any of this after I lost him. But I do admit, I feel guilty for being able to do these things.

I do still long to have Cayden in my arms...I cling to every moment and memory... but I don't cry constantly like I used to.

My story is a little different though. After losing one of my babies, I still had a newborn baby to take care of. In some ways, it really helped me and in some ways, it made everything so much harder. Now, as my surviving twin is getting older, I am finding it harder because I envision the two of them together doing everything together. All of Carter's "firsts" were so different because it was a reminder that Cayden wasn't here to do them also. Carter's first birthday was nothing like my two older kids first birthday's because it was such a sad time for me that I found it too hard to celebrate and be happy.

Cayden is so much a part of my everyday. I think of him with everything I do. I do everything to make sure he is not forgotten. His life and death is part of our family. My children talk about him all the time.

I think something that still is so hard for me is hearing the word "twins." I often wonder if it will ever get easier with time? When someone says they have twins or are pregnant with them, it immediately feels like someone is ripping my heart out. I am not sure if I feel this way because they have what we were supposed to...I really don't know. I just know it still hurts really bad. And unfortunately, I hear it ALL the time.

1 year 4 months and 1 day later, I still read dozens of blogs (almost daily) of other moms who have lost their baby too. I feel so fortunate to have found some amazing friends through these blogs. I wish I wrote on Cayden's blog more than I do, but I often feel like I am repeating myself these days. I have said over and over how much I miss Cayden and would write about it everyday, but it is nothing new....I would give anything to have my baby in my arms instead of in my heart.

I have recently planted a few gardens and flower pots all around the outside of my house. I feel like in some ways it has brought me strength to do this. With every flower...I think of Cayden. I actually long for the day that we have our own house with a lot of land and I will be able to plant my dream garden for Cayden. At least I have something to look forward to doing in the near future in remembrance of my sweet boy. (to those of you that are new to my husband is in the Coast Guard and we move every 4 yrs. In 8 yrs we will settle in somewhere that we will call home for the rest of our lives and at that point in time I will be able to make Cayden's garden :))

So, that is where I am in this journey. I still miss my son so much and that will never change as long as I am here. I see nothing, but a blessing when I think of Cayden. I am honored to be his mama. I hope and pray that one day we will be together again.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

16 months

16 months.....
I often find myself wondering how the months go by so fast since losing Cayden....
These days I find it easier to think of Cayden and smile. I still cry quite often, but I try to always think of all the happiness he brought to our lives.
16 months without my amazing little boy is too long, but sadly I know, I have soo much longer to live without him.

I woke up today and as I was lying in bed, the first thought to cross my mind was that it had been 16 months since I gave birth to Carter and Cayden.
I lay there thinking and longing to have Cayden lying with us too.

At 16 months old, Carter is doing so many fun things now. He is not only walking, but running. And with that, comes LOTS of falls :-(
He is so much fun. He says, "uh oh" constantly and he loves to say, "thank you" for everything. He is my little snuggle bug. He is definitely a mama's boy too, but he loves his daddy and his Ant and Lexy too. He is the light of our life and I know that he has helped me with this huge emptiness that losing Cayden left in my heart. I also know that seeing him do everything is just a reminder that he should have his brother by his side doing everything with him. It hurts and I am sure that it always will.

Although the days are easier to get through 16 months later, everything I see and do makes me think of Cayden.
If I see a butterfly...a rainbow...a beautiful
everything instantly makes me think of Cayden <3 When I listen to the radio, so many songs make me think of Cayden. No matter where I am at or what I am doing somehow, something reminds me of my baby boy. Even something random that someone says to me...reminds me of Cayden. I love it. I love that he is always there. Before Cayden, I thought, "it could never happen to me." Now, I know tomorrow is never promised. It reminds me of a post that I wrote awhile back about everything Cayden has taught me.

A good friend of mine sent me a link today to the song "Blessing" by Laura Story. It couldn't have been at a better time. I cried and smiled at the same time. I have heard the song before, but it has been awhile. I really didn't expect to have so many emotions today, so hearing this song and knowing that someone was thinking of Cayden, made my day....Thanks Holly B! I have now added the song to the top of my playlist.

Oh, I forgot to mention my "Godwink" that happened to me over memorial day weekend when I was in VT visiting my family.

In case anyone reading this doesn't know what a Godwink is, I am going to give a quick description from my friend Holly's blog page. What is a Godwink? (answered by SQuire Rushnell) A Godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

Well, I had just walked outside to go see my kiddos riding their dirt bikes...suddenly I realized that there was about 4-6 beautiful yellow butterflies flying right around me. Butterflies have always been a favorite of mine, but since losing Cayden they mean so much more. Well, my dad's house has a lot of land so as I was walking down to the field, 1 of the butterflies stayed right with me. I had my camera and tried to get a picture of it, but was unsuccessful. The butterfly followed me all the way down to where the kids were riding and stuck around for quite a long really made my heart smile. Last June when I was in VT visiting my family another time, I had a similar thing happen to me. It was an all white butterfly and it was so beautiful. I remember at that time I couldn't even believe it had followed me and hung around for quite a long time, so when it happened again last weekend, I knew it was a "Godwink." I wish I had them more often! I just love my Godwinks!

16 months has gone by...I still have my good days and I still have my bad days. I still miss Cayden and would give anything to have him in my arms again. I know somethings will never change no matter how much time goes by.

Mama loves you Cayden.