Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I was just sitting here tonight holding Carter and I had this urge to go on my blog and listen to all the songs that remind me of my sweet boy, Cayden. As I look at his picture and ashes on the mantle, all I can do is let the tears roll. I don't think that I do that enough and I fear the day that this really hits me. Little Carter has been having some tummy problems lately and has been extra fussy. I wonder sometimes if having his brother here would help him out a little. He must miss his touch. They were together and fighting for space and keeping each other company for 35 long weeks. I heard that when you have twins, you are supposed to let them sleep together cause they comfort each other. So, with that in mind, I must assume that having Cayden here would help Carter in some way. I think we all miss him so much, there are no words to even express the emptiness we all feel. I was holding Carter the other day at my daughters school and had a woman ask me, "can you imagine having two of him?" I was at loss of words. I wanted to scream- yes, I had 2 of him and I would give anything to have two of him again, but instead I just smiled at her. And for some reason, the whole twin thing seems to be haunting me. I see twins everywhere I go and read about twins and it feels so overwhelming sometimes. We are getting ready to go to Cape Cod this weekend and I can't help, but wish Cayden was here to go with us. You'll be their with me in my heart baby boy. Good-night, we love you!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today feels like it's going to be a good day, the sun is shining and the sky is so blue!
Yesterday wasn't such a good day, lots of sad thoughts and tears. I miss my baby boy so much! My daughter seems to be sad about Cayden a lot these past few days. I think with her Daddy gone- it makes it worse. How can a 5 year old have regrets already? She told me last night that she wishes she hadn't been scared of Cayden and she wishes she would have held him and kissed him in the hospital. It broke my heart! I had one thing I knew before I had Cayden and it was that I didn't want any regrets and I really felt that I did a good job holding true to that after Cayden left us, but it saddens me that my baby girl is having regrets instead.
I also told a friend of mine to never be scared to talk to me about Cayden, he was my child and I am happy when I speak about him. A few days later she came across this poem and sent it to me. The words couldn't be more true! I will share it.
Go ahead and mention my child,
the one that died, you know.
don't worry about hurting me further,
the depth of my pain doesn't show.
don't worry about making me cry,
I am already crying inside.
help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I am hurt when you just keep silent,
pretending he did not exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
knowing that he has been missed.
you ask me how I am doing,
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
but healing is something ongoing,
I feel it will take a lifetime!

Amazing words! I am going to go enjoy this beautiful day that God has given me and think happy thoughts of my baby boy looking down on us. My love to all!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hello, sorry for the delay in writing. I am still struggling to find the words to say when I talk about what has happened. We are all doing good- holding up as much as possible. The presence of my 3 beautiful children have given me strength to put one foot in front of the other everyday. Anthony and Lexy are going to school and having some much needed fun playing soccer. Carter is doing well also. He is such a good baby! He has finally started gaining weight now. We all love to cuddle him so much! He has been a big part of our strength through all of this! We all miss Cayden so dearly, but we are so grateful for the 3 days we were given to get to know him and show him how much we loved him. I believe that we were given Cayden for a reason- he has taught us so much. Our lives are forever changed! The 3 days we were given with him are irreplaceable and will never be forgotten!
Thank you to all for your thoughts, prayers, and support!!!
Happy one month birthday Cayden- we miss you more then anything! Not a day goes by when we don't think of you and wish that you were here with us! We love you!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Well, I am trying to get the hang of this blogging. Today was a good day. Ryan and I went to see our counselor for the first time since we lost Cayden. We were both very nervous how it was going to feel since the last time we were in the office I was still pregnant, but it was actually ok. It was nice to talk about Cayden so much. Our counselor is such an amazing woman. She was at the hospital with us after the birth and she has a way about her that puts you at ease!
Ryan and I talked about how quiet it is at the house now that everyone is gone and how it's lonely and sad. The kids are back to school now which should give us more time to think about missing our sweet little boy Cayden. I look at Carter all the time and see his brother in his eyes. It really breaks my heart when I think about how I will someday have to tell him about his twin he had. This past month seems like such a dream. Nothing feels real yet.
I do want to say thank you to everyone. All of our family, friends, people who have prayed for us, came to the hospital, sent flowers, all the nurses and Doctors, Albemarle hospice, our photographer from NILMDTS, Chaplin Tanis, and everyone who accepted a place in their heart for Cayden. Everyone has been an amazing part in helping us through the hardest time in our life and we appreciate you more then you'll ever know!
Caydens memorial service was so bittersweet. It was so sad, but yet I still felt joy. I am one of the luckiest Moms on earth to have been given the privilege of having such a beautiful son that touched my life and so many others! Thanks to all of the men that work with Ryan who came to show their support and all our great friends and family who came. And of course to Chaplin for making it so beautiful and Twiford funeral homes for their help also. It was a day I'll never forget.
I have only one last thing to say tonight- I am a very proud mama of 4 great kids! I can't imagine my life now without my beautiful baby Carter who has made his way into all of our hearts and Cayden will live on forever in him. It was such an honor to be Caydens mother for the short 3 days I was given! I miss you and love you baby boy!