Wednesday, November 17, 2010

sleep....what's that?

So, here I am in much need of some sleep. I went to bed at 2 this morning and 6:30 came quick. Lately, I have not been able to sleep. I stay up half the night on the computer. Some nights I will be reading every ones blogs other nights I will be looking at my pictures from the pregnancy and birth and listening to the songs we played at the service. If I try to go to sleep I just lay there with a thousand thoughts. I feel like there is so much I want to say to everyone...I feel like there is something that I should be doing to keep Caydens memory alive and I just haven't figured out what it is yet.
My thoughts are always going....
Just the other day, the kids wanted to start writing a Christmas list. They were writing away for quite awhile, but when dinner was ready I told them to put up the papers and come to the table. Later that night after everyone was in bed, I was cleaning up the living room. I found Lexy's list and picked it up to read it. There was only 2 things written on the paper. I felt myself trying to hold back the tears as I read:

Lexy's Christmas List
1. computer
2. Cayden

That was all that was on the paper. It broke my heart. She had been over on the couch writing for quite awhile while I cooked and those were the only 2 things she could think of to write. I immediately started wondering what my poor daughters thoughts were as she sat on our couch writing a list that most kids would have made a mile long with toys. It's so sad. This Christmas is going to be so hard. My fridge is covered with pictures with Caydens name all over them that Lexy draws everyday. Cayden's table has a drawer that is full of letters and pictures that Lexy has written to him. It really is amazing how much Lexy misses and loves her baby brother. It is so beautiful, yet so sad. As I sat here writing..I am suddenly at loss of words...

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