Monday, November 8, 2010

"New Normal"

I was just sitting here thinking as I listen to the silence in my house. I was wishing so much that I could see Cayden again. I would love to know what he looks like now. Is he a 9 month old baby, is he playing with other babies? How can you not wonder? As long as he is in Heaven and I am here on Earth, I will always wonder and wish that I could know what he is doing. My heart really hurts right now...I wonder what my life would be like if I could have Cayden here. There would be no tears of pain and sadness, it would be so great. The rest of my life without my baby feels like such a long time!
If you asked me 10 years ago what my future looked like, I would have told you, well I really want to have 4 kids, but I would be happy with 3. That is the thing...too many people take children for granted, they never think it will happen to them....but as I look back...all of the signs were there. I remember telling Ryan when we talked about having a third child, " I really want another baby, but is it bad of me to want more when we have 2 healthy children already? Should I be happy with what we have? WOW, it really is scary to think that I said that. Then at my 8 week (first appt) when the Dr told me..."wait, hold on, there is 2 in there." I didn't believe him, I said,"yea right!" He went on to have a long talk with me. He told me that it may be overwhelming, scary, and exciting all at once, but in all reality twins is very scary because it is so high risk and the result isn't always two babies in the end. WOW! Was that a sign or what?
5 weeks later, I was told there was something wrong with baby b's head. The fear and overwhelming sadness I felt that day is embedded in me forever! At 17 weeks it was confirmed that baby b had anencephaly and would not live outside my womb. The words of that Dr telling me that his condition was incompatible with life will forever be etched in my head.
I came across this article the other day and wanted to share it:

What is Normal??

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize that someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act or feeling more comfortable at a funeral than at a wedding...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers or see a casket.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs or why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the tv on the minute you walk into the house for the noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is starring at babies ( in my own baby) who look like they are my babies age and wondering if that is what my baby would look like and be doing.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it was an everyday activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing that it has become part of my "Normal".

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really!

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember him.

Normal is after the service is over, everyone else goes on with their life, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to lose your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing that I DO cry everyday.

Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals or bodies, when you know they were someones loved one.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying (which I do A LOT) sharing how you feel with online buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in Australia, Canada, England, and all over the USA, but yet never have met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because...."
I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people try to think up excuses as to why babies are taken from this earth are not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering whether this time you are going to say you have four children, or three, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. And yet when you say that you have three children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is knowing that I will never get over this loss, in a day or in a million years.

and last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become your "new normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

~author unknown

After my last post and me trying to figure out my "new normal", when I came across this, it was so right on, I had to share it because this is normal. and after meeting my little man and getting the 3 days with him that I was given...I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything!
I was the lucky one who was chosen to carry these two amazing boys. If only I could have carried them forever! I love you Cayden!


  1. Thank you for this post Chrissy! It's so true!

  2. Yeah, I'd say that sums up the new "normal"... It's nice to know we're not along in those feelings. To be honest, some of them haven't come yet for me, but I am scared for when they do. I don't know how moms do it. It's heartbreaking. by Thanks for posting this.