Sunday, April 24, 2011


My family and I just got back home late this afternoon from a long, much needed, camping trip. We don't take vacations very often, instead we go camping and it is our special family time together. I longed to have Cayden with us, but know that is not possible.

He is always in my thoughts throughout everyday.

Every family memory we make is one more moment without him in it.

Last Easter, it had only been 2 months since we lost Cayden, it amazes me that it has now been a year and almost 3 months.

Tonight, as we sat down to eat our 2nd Easter dinner without Cayden, my heart was feeling heavy. I try to remind myself that everyday without him is one more day closer to him.

As sad and heartbroken as I am without Cayden here, he was such a blessing and I have so much to be thankful for today.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The chest and all the memories it holds

Tonight has been one of the hardest nights I've had in a long time.
It has been heavy on my heart lately, that a year has gone by and I still haven't taken the time to sit down and write a few thank you notes to a few people who went above and beyond during the hardest time of our lives.
So, I had to go into Cayden's chest (where I have everything)to get a few papers out of it with names and address's....
Well, within minutes, I was on my knees smelling all the clothes he wore, and sobbing into his blanket. I just let it all out...I wasn't sure when it would stop either. I normally don't go into the chest(because of this), but I know I should more often.
It just hurts so bad.... I re-lived every second of Cayden's life over and over tonight as I cried....wishing I could have changed what happened.
Why couldn't I keep him?
I miss him so much.
I know I have said this many times, but it just seems so un-real sometimes.
I looked through about 50 ultrasound pictures too and it breaks my heart to think how much time has gone by since they were taken....since I carried him and then held him in my arms.
Ryan and I were so blessed to have had some really special people come into our lives that helped us so much.
For one, our counselor was amazing. Oh, how I miss her so much too. She saw us throughout my pregnancy, she came to the hospital while I was in labor and right after I had the boys. She talked to me on the phone and helped through Cayden's seizures he was having right before he passed away. She will hold a special place in my heart forever.
The 3 nurses who came to our house the night Cayden passed away. We were told that we were going to have to bring him to the nearest hospital to have a Dr state that he had passed. The closest hospital was about 20 minutes away and after Cayden passed away, we were not in the right state of mind to be driving that far.
3 nurses from Albemarle hospice came out to our house at 7 at night to check on Cayden. At that point he was still holding on. They left and said they would be back in the morning, but no sooner then 5 minutes after they left, Cayden passed away. I called them and they came right back. They were able to state the time he passed so that we would not have to go to the hospital. Then they sat with us for hours. They helped with Carter and comforted us through the pain of saying our goodbyes. We were so blessed.
I don't think anything ever hurt so bad as handing Cayden to the lady from the funeral home for the last time and knowing I would never see him again.
I was blessed with Theresa from the funeral home too. She was so kind and gentle. She helped me through so much. Later on, she told me that, after 78 years, Cayden was the first baby they had picked up from a home in the middle of the night.

I came across a letter tonight in the chest that had meant so much when I recieved it a year ago. It was a reminder to me of one of the many lives Cayden touched in his short time. A dear lady that I met through this journey wrote me this letter after meeting Cayden. The letter is too long to write everything in it, but here is a few little pieces;

I think there are some questions that we won't get answers to on this side of Heaven. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you feel in losing Cayden, but I do know this, Cayden was a special little man with a mighty soul. There are few people on this earth who will ever get to experience the presence of someone so special.

While I know the questions in your head and your heart may never be answered, I know that Cayden's life had a purpose and that it touched me beyond explanation.

Carter is just beautiful and as you watch him grow, you will be reminded that you have to know profound sadness to know true happiness. Carter is a gift.

It took every last tear I had to read this letter again that has been tucked away all these months.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad to go through everything. Cause as badly as it hurt, it felt so good to hold his things again and be so close to him. Part of me feels guilty that it is all put away. I have so many different feelings and emotions, it just makes it all harder.
I have run out of words to say because my only thought right now is....
Oh, I miss my baby boy so much.

I love you so much Cayden.

Monday, April 4, 2011

14 Months today

Cayden would have been 14 months old today.
I don't know when I will stop posting monthly birthdays.
Every month when the 4th rolls around, it makes me stop. Take a deep breath and think....
How can another month have gone by?
How have I made it this far?
Oh, how I miss him so....
I would give anything to hold him again, to kiss him again, and just tell him I love him one more time.
I am wondering when that, "it gets easier with time" starts?
Because right now, I am sitting here barely able to see my computer screen through the tears.
I could cry any day at the drop of a time just thinking of Cayden or remembering something about him.
I am still clinging to every memory we had.

I went out tonight to a spouses club meeting on base. I laughed quite a bit and had a really good time, but then when I got home, I felt guilty.
Maybe because there was a time when I never thought that would happen again...
When I thought my life couldn't go on.
My heart was broken beyond fixing.
It still feels that way, but my days stay very busy with 3 kids and a to do list a mile long everyday.

14 months sounds like such a long time when I say it, but it's strange how it seems like yesterday I got the heartbreaking news about Cayden and then it feels like eternity since I held my baby boy in my arms.
What a journey this has been.
The ups and downs. The smiles and the tears.
Greif has no instructions, so I just get by day to day. Some days are good and some days are bad.

I spoke to a friend the other day, she was with me alot throughout my pregnancy and after losing Cayden and since then we have moved away from each other.
She told me that she had a new friend who's baby was recently diagnosed with anencephaly. The woman immediately knew she was going to terminate. Her husband did not want her to, but she knew that was what she was doing. My friend tried to talk her out of it and told her my story and tried to tell her that through her faith it would all be ok. I was so sad when my friend told me that she went through with it and terminated the pregnancy. I don't judge her, but my heart was so sad that she didn't see the blessing in her baby's life. I hate hearing stories like this...

If I could change what happened, I would. I would give anything to have Cayden here with us to stay, but I can't. So I try to live my life through his memories and share his story and hope that it helps someone else. His life had so much meaning. He touched the lives of so many people in such a short amount of time. He was so amazing. I am so proud to be his Mom.
14 months later and through all the pain and heartache, I would rewind the time if I could and go through it all over again.. just for one more moment with him.

I miss you and love you Cayden Ryan.