Thursday, November 4, 2010

Happy 9 month birthday!

I will start by wishing both of my sweet boys a happy 9 month birthday. The months seem to be going by quicker. It seems like I was just on here writing for their 8 month birthday.
I really had a hard time taking Carter to the dr today. I was wishing so much that Cayden was going too. After Carters shots were done the dr said,"we will see you back at Carters 1 year old check up visit," suddenly it hit, time really is going by too fast! This time last year my kids still didn't know that our lives were about to change forever, both of my boys were still competing for room inside me and I was trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness, but knowing we were going to lose one of our babies.
Now, I find myself a year later, trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness after losing Cayden. Christmas is my favorite time of the year! I just love it so much, but now I am wondering how I am going to get through it. I know that I will put on my happy face for my children no matter how badly I am hurting inside!
I think that I have come to realize that the old me is gone. The day I lost Cayden, I left her behind and now I am just trying to piece the rest of it all together. There is a "new normal" in our lives. We will never go back to the "normal" we knew before. There will always be something missing from our life, the good days and the bad days will always come and go, and in the end the pain of not having Cayden here with us will always hurt so bad.
I love my kids so much, I was so excited to raise two more little boys and all my hopes and dreams for them were taken from me...I miss my Cayden. Mommy loves you for always.

1 comment:

  1. Happy 9 months! It must be difficult having another baby doing all the things that Cayden "should" be doing. I'm nervous just how I'll feel around OTHER people's babies, but at least I can avoid it when I need to...I'm not insinuating that you want to "avoid" Carter at all. But I would think it must be so hard to always have the reminder of where Cayden would be. Especially since they looked alike. I think we will all think about it to a certain extent, but it's different. You're right, normal will never be the same. I don't believe you'd want "normal" if it meant you never knew the sweet baby you had to say goodbye to. Just do your best to keep his memory alive this Christmas. He really is a reason to rejoice. (you can remind me of this in a few weeks!) I know you want him here. I know it hurts. Remember that when we are weak, God is strong.
    love you, praying for you,