The good days and the bad

It always seems to amaze me how some days can be better than others. Some days I find myself smiling a lot and going about my day, but then there are the days where I am so sad and cry a lot and wonder how I have made it this far in this journey....I often wonder how other Moms have done it.

In the beginning, I was lucky enough to wake up and put one foot in front of the other. I remember sitting on the living room floor holding Cayden's things, crying, and falling apart, wondering how my life could go on without him. And sadly it has. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't give anything in this world to have him again, it just means that everyday I wake up and am a wife to my husband and a mom to my 3 other amazing kids. I have watched Carter grow up for the past 10 months and enjoyed every second of it while I grieved for his brother at the same time. I have overly held Carter, co-slept, and jumped at his every cry. Can you blame me? After losing Cayden, I have realized that all those things that other people and Dr's say "spoil" a baby, well they don't matter to me. Life is way too short to worry about any of that. Tomorrow is never promised. I try to live life day to day.

Last night I laid in bed for hours before I finally fell asleep. I was remembering when the nurse finally told me Cayden was still alive and then placed both babies in my arms for the first time. I remembered starring at him for hours because I wanted to remember everything about him forever. How badly it hurt the night he passed away and I had to say goodbye. Then I started to think about how hard Christmas was going to be without him and then right after Christmas their birthday and the day he went to Heaven.....
I know I will continue to have good days and bad days....it's just part of that "new normal" I have talked about before.
Right now I feel so thankful that I was able to carry him and be his Mommy until the Lord called him home. I would do it all over again. As hard of a journey as it is, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I just wish I could be a voice to all of the Moms trying to make that decision.

Cayden, your Mommy misses you more than you could ever know. I love you!