Saturday, February 4, 2012

2 years

Wow...2 years. I am not even done with my first sentence and I can barely swallow as I choke back the tears. Happy heavenly birthday my sweet boy. What I would give right now to have you here with your brother and the rest of us celebrating.

I have come to hate the saying that time heals all wounds. In my opinion, it is so untrue. It has been 2 years and my wounds have not even begun to heal. My heart feels like it did the day Cayden left me. I am an emotional wreck. I still have to try to control my emotions at all times because I never know what might make me feel apart and start crying. The thought of Cayden almost always brings tears daily. Sometimes happy tears, but mainly tears of heartache...tears of longing to have my baby here with me again. I hate that nobody gets it. Nobody understands how I feel. I still wonder how I can feel so many emotions around other twins and wonder if it will ever not be that way.

I have been dreading this day for a few months now. I feel horrible for saying that since It's Carter's birthday too, but it's the truth. I feel too sad to celebrate. My poor boy, I hope someday he finds room in his heart to forgive me for saying this. It's hard to smile and be happy when I am really broken inside. Well, I wasn't going to have a party for him again this year, but after the guilt I felt not having one last year, I figured that I should at least have a small one. So, I had a few friends and their kids come over for pizza and cake and kept it really low key. Overall, it went well and I was able to get through with no tears. I saved them for later. At least I did it and don't feel like the worst mom of the year like last year. Today/ tomorrow (since it is 1am) we decided to take Carter to the New England Aquarium for his birthday. I am hoping it will be peaceful and help Anthony and Lexy too.

I also think its important to say how wonderful Carter is doing. After all his hard times and struggles, he has overcome so much. He is an amazing little boy and the light of our life. He's so loving and helpful and sweet, he just melts our hearts. I know with time and each passing birthday he will understand more. I truly believe that I may have drowned in my sorrow if it wasn't for Carter. I had no choice, but to stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the next. I had another baby to take care even if my heart had just been broken. And that's the hard part. Even when life feels like it can't go on and the pain is so strong...It does. And before you know it 2 years have gone by. I wish I could rewind the clock. I wish I could have just one more minute. But I can't. So, I will continue to go on and do everything I can to keep his memory alive.

Happy 2nd birthday my love. We miss you and love you so much more than any words can ever say.
Love, Mommy, Daddy, Anthony, Lexy, and Carter