Tuesday, November 15, 2011


When I just looked at the date of my last post...I couldn't believe it has already been a month again. My posts are definitely less and less lately.

It by no means, means that I miss or love my son any less. To be honest with you...I think I needed to take a break for awhile. I was at a point where I couldn't do much at home. I was always on my blog or someone elses blog or on the anencephlay support group on facebook. I was so sad all the time.
I was so scared of letting go.
It has been 21 months and I have been so scared of forgetting every last inch about my sweet boy.
I have been hurt by so many friends that I have decided not to have any... Why get hurt all the time when you can avoid it??
Most days I can't believe how much time has gone by. The memories seem farther and farther away...I think about dying a lot more than I ever would have before I lost him. I know most people think that's a bad thing, but if you have lost your child, I know you understand.

A few weeks ago, my grandma that I was very close to growing up, became ill. We ended up finding out she has a brain aneurysm. I was so scared when my family called and said she may have a day...a month..the Drs just don't know. I was suddenly on my way to Vermont...praying to God that she would hold on long enough for me to tell her that I love her one last time...to tell her to give Cayden a kiss for me...
As I sat next to her bed crying, nobody else really understood what being this close to death was doing to me. The last time was when Cayden took his last breath in my arms...it was ripping my heart out.

Maybe I am trying to find an escape from the pain. I swear I am still trying to figure all of this out. Almost 2 years into this journey and most days I am not sure of a lot of things. I am so grateful for the time I was given with Cayden. He truly taught me so much and made me look at life completely different...I now know what's important.
I find myself always trying to find a part of Cayden in whatever we do...as the wind and leaves blows...or the waves crash...as the rain falls...I am always trying to find a part of him...maybe another fear of losing him completely.

As Carter is growing more and more...everyday is a reminder of what could have been. It's amazing how much we all love that little boy..his brother and sister are amazing with him and love him so much. He is so lucky. I wish more than anything that Cayden was here to feel their love also. I am not sure if you would consider Carter my rainbow baby because he was Cayden's twin...but I do know that he has definitely been been like our rainbow after our storm...I feel like he has kept our family together and helped us to carry on Cayden's memory...they are connected for life.

We miss you so much Cayden <3

Sunday, October 16, 2011


Too much time has gone by since I wrote on here... I apologize.
My life has been a total hectic mess for the past 2 months. There has been so many nights I have wanted to sit down and write on here, but couldn't find the energy or the words to due so.
To be honest with you...I am a mess. A walking, crying, emotional mess. That pretty much sums me up these days.
I had to have knee surgery this past Thursday..it has been a really tough recovery. I can't even walk at all :( I find myself feeling depressed. I think it is the fact that I have so much time to sit and think.
Our dog Zayah also had surgery about 3 weeks ago and of course why not add some problems with friends into the mix too.
Yup...on top of losing our son and facing everyday things, I have lost some friends too. Some friends that I have realized were never my friends to begin with.
I am note sure if I am at a different stage in my grief again, but I cry at the drop of a dime and find it hard to stop.
Just the thought of Cayden brings tears to my eyes and I lose it.
I had family in town last month, one right after the other and I missed writing on here for Cayden's monthly, heavenly birthday for the first time since he left us...
it killed me when I realized it....I felt so much guilt. I felt like my life had gotten too busy to stop and allow my monthly writing for him. But I eventually got over it and realized that it is ok and even though I didn't write on his blog, doesn't mean that a single day went by that I wasn't thinking of my sweet boy.

Before losing Cayden, I was pretty organized and stayed on top of almost everything. I was able to bring the kids to school, sports, keep the house clean, make dinner, and even other things in between all of that.
But these days...I can't do any of the above. I forget everything. I Lose everything. My house is a wreck. And I am a mess. Sometimes I wonder if losing Cayden, changed me. If somewhere along the way, I lost who I was.

I find it hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since I lost my baby boy. And in that time, I have continued to be hurt by so many people. Just the other day I was told that I was lucky that I knew ahead of time to make it easier...hmmm, ok.
I have also been told that since I am still posting things on facebook about Cayden, that maybe I need to get some counseling again. Here's another good one....I am lucky that Cayden died after 3 days cause I should imagine being a mother who loses her baby to SIDS at 8 months. Every time I hear things like this, I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I am a mom who lost her son. Nothing about that is easy, nothing could have made it easier and in the end I still long for him like every other mom that loses their child. My boy was special and amazing and meant so much to me..I will talk about him forever...until we are together again.

Yesterday, I shed many tears throughout the day thinking of Cayden and all my other blm's and their babies. I lit my candle at 7pm and cried some more. I told you...I am an emotional wreck.
One thing that has kept me going these past 20 months is reading all the other blogs I follow and writing on Cayden's blog... so I would like to apologize for allowing so much time to pass without writing. I think of you all daily and know that you understand how I feel <3

Saturday, August 27, 2011

These shoes

I have been avoiding lots of people and things lately to protect my heart. I had a feeling that this was coming, but I really hoped it wouldn't. It just seemed as if everywhere I turned, I was being hurt by others words and my heart couldn't take much more. I am grieving for my baby boy that was taken from us too soon. It has only been 18 months, but for some reason, people think that is a long time and I should be "over it." But I will never be over it. I will go on and learn to live my life with my broken heart, but I will NEVER get over it.

I know a girl that lives a few streets over from me. I have spoken of her in previous blog posts...she is pregnant with twins and everyone, including her likes to talk to me about her and her babies. Well, She delivered her healthy, twin baby boys yesterday. I wish I could be happy for her, but I would be lying if I said that I am. My heart was actually hurting so bad and for the first time in a long time, I asked God.. why was she able to keep her boys, but I wasn't?? Why is she a happy, proud mommy without a worry in the world, while I sit here everyday, wishing I could kiss my baby boy one more time. I ran into a friend of both of ours yesterday and she had to tell me about the girl delivering her boys and how they are all doing...I just nodded and didn't even say a word..I couldn't be fake and put on my happy face..it just wasn't possible. how can people not realize what they are saying? Last night I posted a quote on facebook that I read last week on anencephaly.info and today I received an apology email from the girl. I guess it took me posting something for her to realize what she had said, hurt me. I accepted her apology, but feel like I need a break from everyone around me. I feel like just when I am having a good day, someone pushes me back down. These people don't understand what it feels like to have your child die... A piece of you goes with them. Your life is not the same.

I want to share what I posted on facebook last night...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. they are ugly shoes. uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair. some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. they are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad that they are my shoes and not theirs. they never talk about my shoes. to learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. to truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them. but once you put them on.. you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. there are many pairs in this world. some woman are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

This really touched me when I first read it. The words just put it simply for others to understand what we are going through.

I can honestly say that in these shoes, I know true happiness and sorrow... all mixed together now. These shoes have changed me so much. I can be smiling and laughing one second and crying the next. I know a whole new meaning to yearn for someone and miss them so deeply and I know a whole new meaning of "love." While wearing these painful shoes, I can still feel happiness everytime I hold Carter and hug and kiss him..

Although I agree that my shoes hurt and bring me so much pain... I wouldn't want any other shoes because that would mean that I wouldn't be Cayden's mama... I miss my sweet boy and love him so much <3

Friday, August 12, 2011

The first step to understanding

I think I have told everyone about Cayden's memorial table in our living room. It has his urn on it, fresh flowers, my favorite picture of him, a digital picture frame with all of our pictures with him, a picture of all 4 of the kids, my angel candle and my twin willow tree figures.

Well, Carter is at that busy age where he gets into everything and I knew it was going to happen eventually....yesterday, he pushed a step stool up to the table and was pointing at everything yelling "Mom." I rushed over to the table and leaned down to him, I told him that it was Cayden's table and not to touch...just look. He wanted the picture of Cayden really bad so I handed it to him...well, he leaned over and kissed the picture... I couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, but so sad. He handed the picture frame back to me and sat on the step stool and watched the digital picture frame for about 2 minutes. He kept pointing and yelling, "Mom." Now, he is doing it everyday. He is so gentle and actually listens when I tell him not to touch. That is amazing to me since he is only 18 months old. I swear it is like he knows. It was also very sad and hard for me cause it is just a reminder that this is how Carter will know Cayden for the rest of his life, when what I would give anything for, would be to have them growing up together.

I also took a picture of Cayden's chest. I know Holly asked me what it looks like awhile back. In the chest is everything of Cayden's and I can not go in the chest without falling apart. It sits in the living room right next to his table.

I came across a poem the other day and it really rings true to how I feel sometimes, so I wanted to share it.

The Mask

I have a face I put in place, It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see, The way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy, darkness, endless nights.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh, but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

The future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by: Dianna J. Brendle

Although, Ryan and my 3 kids that are here with me still bring me so much joy, I still feel this way a lot. I am still hurting so much inside and miss Cayden so much, but I put on my different face for everyone else so that they don't feel uncomfortable around me. I am glad that Carter is getting old enough for me to start talking to him about Cayden, but I wish my little boys were chasing each other around instead. I wish I didn't know the true depth of pain and heartache... I wish more than anything that I was sitting here tonight typing this with Cayden in my arms..

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden <3

Friday, August 5, 2011

Happy Heavenly 18 months birthday

Yesterday was 18 months since I gave birth to 2 of the most amazing boys and tomorrow will be 18 months since Cayden passed away. I normally try to post a happy monthly birthday to my little angel in heaven, but I laid in bed last night feeling guilty for not doing so. I was exhausted. Carter had his 18 month checkup and shots and it was a long day.

I thought of Cayden so much yesterday throughout the day. As I sat in the room at the Dr office, I wished Cayden could be there too. My heart was heavy. I thought back to the day the boys were born while I was driving and I just cried. It feels good to cry for Cayden. I miss him so much.

I came across a little note that I wanted to share;

When we lose our child that we love so much, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a sadness, A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why they left this earth so soon, or why they left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that they died, but that they lived. And that their life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in Heaven, where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly and he would not live long, I couldn't imagine how my life would go on after losing my child. Now here I am 18 months later. I miss my little boy with everything in me, but through all of my pain and heartache, I truly feel blessed. I was chosen to carry 2 boys and it was the most amazing experience. Now, I carry one of my boys in my arms and his twin brother, I carry in my heart.

Carter is an amazing little soul who I love to watch grow everyday. I see so much of Cayden when I look at him. He has the biggest heart ever and loves his family so much. He would give us kisses all day if he could. It has been such a hard journey trying to divide the happiness and sadness as we have watched him grow. We love him so much, but feel so incomplete without Cayden. I am certain that this will always be how it is...

Happy Heavenly 18 months Birthday Cayden... Mama misses you and loves you so much xoxo

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Not all here these days

If I have realized one thing lately, it is that my grief has come back with a vengeance.
I had been feeling good most days for some time now. Of course, I have my moments, but I was actually amazed that what everyone had told me, "it gets easier with time," was true.
I thought I had reached a point where I wasn't crying all the time anymore and my days were so busy that I didn't even have time to think.
But lately my heart is heavy...
I cry at the drop of a dime.
I spent ALOT of time reliving in my mind what happened.
I think of things I could have done differently.
I think about all of the what ifs....
I feel on edge and snappy and frustrated.
I often try to imagine what my life would be like if Cayden was here.
I cry for friendships that I have lost through this, but I am so grateful that I learned who is meant to be in my life right now.
In a few weeks it will be 18 months since my boys were born and Cayden left us to go to a better place...
I can barely swallow right now when I think back on the past 18 months.
I hate that when I see a woman pregnant with twins or that has twins...I feel emotions that I can't control. I should be happy for her, but my emotions are taking over everything.
I cringe when I hear a friend complain about something so little...if they only knew.
From the moment I wake up, while I am in the shower, while I am cooking or driving, I can't help, but think of Cayden and wish he was here with us.
I feel alone in this big, lonely world. Everyone has moved on and honestly most days it seems as if Ryan has too. I try to talk to him ALL the time about it and he just listens and goes about his day....
I always have wanted a big family and lots of kids. I just love babies so much. They melt my heart. I don't mean like the Dugger's or anything. ;) I have always said I want 4 kids and I was blessed with 4 kids, sadly one of them couldn't stay here with me.
Unfortunately, Ryan doesn't want anymore kids after what we have been through. He feels we have been through too much heartache and that he is not strong enough to go through it again. I understand and admire his honesty, so I am ok with this. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am sad about it too.
Watching my baby suffer and have seizures nonstop for an hour before slowly leaving this Earth, was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. Of course I wouldn't ever want to go through it again, but I would if I was faced with it and it meant, time with my baby.
I feel like I am all over the place with this post..it kind of goes with how I have been everyday.
I am losing stuff nonstop ( I lost my car keys the other day and looked everywhere for days but could not find them. I was using my spare key and ended up losing that too!) Seriously...what is wrong with me?
I can't keep my thoughts together either.
I feel out of sorts.
My house is a mess (which normally I am good at staying on top of)
and in the end....it all comes down to one thing.
I want my Cayden back.
Without him, I am incomplete.

I love you sweet boy.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I feel broken

I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.

I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.

I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.

Well news flash...

I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
It sucks.
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.

All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.

No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.

I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and bonding...it doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.

As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know why...it feels unbearable.

I miss you and love you so much baby boy.

Monday, July 4, 2011

17 months

It has been 17 months today.
Another month without Cayden in my arms.
But yet another day closer until I will see him again.
My life is full of happiness and I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet, it is never enough.
I will always be incomplete without my baby boy.
Everything I say and do, always brings me right to him.

I want to write on here so much more than I do these days, but I hate that it seems like I am always saying the same thing over. I am a mama who lost her son 17 months ago. I have a broken heart that can never be completely healed. I am happy, but there is always tears behind every smile. I long to hold Cayden in my arms and kiss him one more time.

I hate that every night I go to bed thinking of his face instead of kissing it goodnight.

I am sometimes amazed that I am still hurt by what others say 17 months later..
Carter is pretty crazy these days. He has me going non-stop.
A friend of mine says the other day, "whew, can you imagine if you had two of him...no thank you!"
She was pretty much saying thank God Cayden didn't live because my life would be even harder.
I wanted to tell her...I would give anything to have two of him. I would do anything to not have had my son die...I still haven't figured out why people say such stupid things.

We had a fun night tonight at the beach watching fireworks, but of course as Carter played in the sand and laughed, I was thinking of Cayden..wishing he was right next to his brother playing too. That is nothing new though..I always wish Cayden was here to grow up side by side with Carter.

It is hard to believe that 17 months ago, I had 2 baby boys in my arms.... I miss Cayden so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Another hard moment

I had a moment tonight... a moment where I was taken completely off guard... I was not expecting it and I can not even put into words the pain I felt. It almost felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my chest....I couldn't breath...I was at loss of words...and the only thing that could go though my head was....get me out of here!!

I have been faced with twins many times since losing Cayden. I have talked on here about my struggles with the twin thing too, but I don't think that I have ever been put at a table with another woman carrying twins...twin boys. And I really didn't expect it to hurt so bad!

I went over to a friends house tonight for a girls night out of bunco...Now, I am not the type to go out. I love being at home with my family. When I am away from them, I feel guilty and wish I was with them. I think a lot of this has happened after losing Cayden. So, I had a few friends who talked me into going. As I was sitting at one of the tables, one of the girls made a remark about having 2 baby boys inside her...I did not know the girl. But suddenly people around me were talking non-stop about her being pregnant with twin boys. A few of the girls even knew what had happened to me. I have never wanted to leave a room so quickly. I found myself avoiding the conversation and trying to fight back the tears. I wanted to tell her that she was not guaranteed 2 babies in the end, but I didn't.

Now, I am back at home with my broken heart. I am reminded that life is NEVER the same after losing a baby and nobody will ever understand. Girls nights out...are not just a good time anymore. I am reminded how unfair life can be. I just want my baby in my arms. I want to remember what it's like to NOT have one of your babies die...to say, "I had twin boys!" without saying that one of them is in heaven now.

There is nothing easy about this journey. I know as time has gone on, the days get a little easier, but in the end, no matter how much time has passed...you still long for the baby you lost and the reminder is always there. The pain is always right there waiting to resurface. The only people I knew could comfort me, was my husband and kids that were at home or my other baby loss mama's.

I thank God and also all of you who lift me back up when I am down. I know as hard as this journey gets and as sad as I am tonight...tomorrow is a new day and I will get through it. Cayden is always with me..even tonight he was with me. I just carry him in my heart instead of in my arms.

Mama misses you and loves you so much Cayden.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Heaven is for Real

I just finished reading the book: "Heaven is for real." What a great book! I highly recommend it. There were so many parts in the book that made me cry and my heart smile. I hope heaven is exactly how Colton says it is...I look forward to the day I will hold my baby boy in my arms again, but until that day comes, it makes my days easier to think of heaven and how beautiful it is and to know that he is with all our other family and friends who left us too soon.

My faith has certainly been tested during everything we have been through. When I was a little girl I went to church every Sunday with my grandma in Vermont and I remember that I loved going! I went to Sunday school and I learned all about God and Jesus. I have tons of memories and pictures of all the plays I was in with my church. We moved away to Florida when I was in middle school, I started getting in with the wrong crowds and getting into trouble and I ended up going to church by myself to stay out of trouble. I remember going with my youth group in FL to a horse camp in GA, it was so much fun. I went to church during most of my childhood days and somewhere along the way, I stopped going. There was no reason. I still believed. I still prayed. I just didn't go to church anymore.

When I found out Cayden was not going to live long, my faith was tested. I asked, why? I struggled to find a reason why God could let such horrible things happen, but I never stopped believing. I still prayed almost every night. I knew the night Cayden passed away that he was with us...carrying us through it all.

While I was pregnant I was sent a care package from Laura with http://http//stringofpearlsonline.org/. The package contained a book called, The One Year Book of Hope. A few months after I lost Cayden, I began reading it and also reading my bible from when I was younger. I found such strength and healing in reading these. I have wanted to go back to church for a long time now, but I haven't taken that step yet. I feel out of place being in a new area and not knowing anyone or not even knowing which church to go to. I know these things shouldn't matter though.

I still question so much, but try to keep my faith. I know that my baby boy is in the arms of the Lord... safe and pain free. and everyday gone is one day closer to being together again. Colton's stories were such a blessing for me to read. It was exactly what I needed. It will be so amazing to meet again in heaven.

I am reminded everyday of all the blessing in my life. Thank you Lord.

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 day

I will start by saying thank you to Angie with http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com . She has started a project called: Right Where I am. It is for parents to share where they are at with their grief whether it has been 5 months or 5 years. I think it is such a good idea.

It has been 1 year 4 months and 1 day since Cayden died. My heart is still every bit broken as it was the day he left my arms, but the pain has gotten more bearable. It seems to me like ever since I got Cayden's diagnosis, my life has been on fast forward. I know that it is because my 3 children keep me so busy. Most days it feels like forever since I last saw Cayden, but there are times where it feels like just yesterday.

My days are much easier to get through, but I do still fall apart. My grief is random instead of all the time. It can sneak up on me when I am least expecting it.

I am able to live my life and enjoy every second with Ryan and my 3 other kids. I smile and I laugh. I do normal everyday things. I never thought I would be able to do any of this after I lost him. But I do admit, I feel guilty for being able to do these things.

I do still long to have Cayden in my arms...I cling to every moment and memory... but I don't cry constantly like I used to.

My story is a little different though. After losing one of my babies, I still had a newborn baby to take care of. In some ways, it really helped me and in some ways, it made everything so much harder. Now, as my surviving twin is getting older, I am finding it harder because I envision the two of them together doing everything together. All of Carter's "firsts" were so different because it was a reminder that Cayden wasn't here to do them also. Carter's first birthday was nothing like my two older kids first birthday's because it was such a sad time for me that I found it too hard to celebrate and be happy.

Cayden is so much a part of my everyday. I think of him with everything I do. I do everything to make sure he is not forgotten. His life and death is part of our family. My children talk about him all the time.

I think something that still is so hard for me is hearing the word "twins." I often wonder if it will ever get easier with time? When someone says they have twins or are pregnant with them, it immediately feels like someone is ripping my heart out. I am not sure if I feel this way because they have what we were supposed to...I really don't know. I just know it still hurts really bad. And unfortunately, I hear it ALL the time.

1 year 4 months and 1 day later, I still read dozens of blogs (almost daily) of other moms who have lost their baby too. I feel so fortunate to have found some amazing friends through these blogs. I wish I wrote on Cayden's blog more than I do, but I often feel like I am repeating myself these days. I have said over and over how much I miss Cayden and would write about it everyday, but it is nothing new....I would give anything to have my baby in my arms instead of in my heart.

I have recently planted a few gardens and flower pots all around the outside of my house. I feel like in some ways it has brought me strength to do this. With every flower...I think of Cayden. I actually long for the day that we have our own house with a lot of land and I will be able to plant my dream garden for Cayden. At least I have something to look forward to doing in the near future in remembrance of my sweet boy. (to those of you that are new to my blog...my husband is in the Coast Guard and we move every 4 yrs. In 8 yrs we will settle in somewhere that we will call home for the rest of our lives and at that point in time I will be able to make Cayden's garden :))

So, that is where I am in this journey. I still miss my son so much and that will never change as long as I am here. I see nothing, but a blessing when I think of Cayden. I am honored to be his mama. I hope and pray that one day we will be together again.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

16 months

16 months.....
I often find myself wondering how the months go by so fast since losing Cayden....
These days I find it easier to think of Cayden and smile. I still cry quite often, but I try to always think of all the happiness he brought to our lives.
16 months without my amazing little boy is too long, but sadly I know, I have soo much longer to live without him.

I woke up today and as I was lying in bed, the first thought to cross my mind was that it had been 16 months since I gave birth to Carter and Cayden.
I lay there thinking and longing to have Cayden lying with us too.

At 16 months old, Carter is doing so many fun things now. He is not only walking, but running. And with that, comes LOTS of falls :-(
He is so much fun. He says, "uh oh" constantly and he loves to say, "thank you" for everything. He is my little snuggle bug. He is definitely a mama's boy too, but he loves his daddy and his Ant and Lexy too. He is the light of our life and I know that he has helped me with this huge emptiness that losing Cayden left in my heart. I also know that seeing him do everything is just a reminder that he should have his brother by his side doing everything with him. It hurts and I am sure that it always will.

Although the days are easier to get through 16 months later, everything I see and do makes me think of Cayden.
If I see a butterfly...a rainbow...a beautiful sunset...flowers...
everything instantly makes me think of Cayden <3 When I listen to the radio, so many songs make me think of Cayden. No matter where I am at or what I am doing somehow, something reminds me of my baby boy. Even something random that someone says to me...reminds me of Cayden. I love it. I love that he is always there. Before Cayden, I thought, "it could never happen to me." Now, I know tomorrow is never promised. It reminds me of a post that I wrote awhile back about everything Cayden has taught me.

A good friend of mine sent me a link today to the song "Blessing" by Laura Story. It couldn't have been at a better time. I cried and smiled at the same time. I have heard the song before, but it has been awhile. I really didn't expect to have so many emotions today, so hearing this song and knowing that someone was thinking of Cayden, made my day....Thanks Holly B! I have now added the song to the top of my playlist.

Oh, I forgot to mention my "Godwink" that happened to me over memorial day weekend when I was in VT visiting my family.

In case anyone reading this doesn't know what a Godwink is, I am going to give a quick description from my friend Holly's blog page. What is a Godwink? (answered by SQuire Rushnell) A Godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

Well, I had just walked outside to go see my kiddos riding their dirt bikes...suddenly I realized that there was about 4-6 beautiful yellow butterflies flying right around me. Butterflies have always been a favorite of mine, but since losing Cayden they mean so much more. Well, my dad's house has a lot of land so as I was walking down to the field, 1 of the butterflies stayed right with me. I had my camera and tried to get a picture of it, but was unsuccessful. The butterfly followed me all the way down to where the kids were riding and stuck around for quite a long time....it really made my heart smile. Last June when I was in VT visiting my family another time, I had a similar thing happen to me. It was an all white butterfly and it was so beautiful. I remember at that time I couldn't even believe it had followed me and hung around for quite a long time, so when it happened again last weekend, I knew it was a "Godwink." I wish I had them more often! I just love my Godwinks!

16 months has gone by...I still have my good days and I still have my bad days. I still miss Cayden and would give anything to have him in my arms again. I know somethings will never change no matter how much time goes by.

Mama loves you Cayden.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A Few Simple Words

As I sit here tonight, I am sad.

Cayden is not here with me and
my life is not the same without him...
I miss him more then I could ever possibly put into words on this blog.

I feel sad for all the new moms that I have come to know who are pregnant with a baby who is not going to live long or who have already lost their precious child.

Lately I have been hearing heartbreaking stories all the time on the news about a mom who has killed her child/children.
I always think....Life is too short already.
Who are we to chose when our child should die?
I find it hard to hear these things without falling apart,
it breaks my heart.

I heard from a mom today who is 17 weeks pregnant with a baby with anencephaly. My heart was so sad for her, but I smiled when I read that she chose to carry her baby to term. It seems like I don't hear that very often. I look back now and honestly can't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was hard and some days I felt like I couldn't go on, but I did and the 3 days I had with Cayden mean the world to me. I am honored to have been the mom to such a strong willed, little fighter.

I still struggle now with trying to live a normal life after losing Cayden. People are always saying something that seems to upset me. I feel like I can never put my guard down. I can't tell you how many times I wish that I'd had a copy with me of the: what friends and family can do page I have listed on my blog.
Most of the time I hold it in and then come home upset and vent to Ryan. I think that I have come to realize that people just don't understand unless they have been through it, which I don't wish on anyone. But I also have to protect my heart too, so I have been hanging out and doing lots of bonding with Carter these days ;-)

I remember quite a few years back...
I think I only had Anthony at the time and my cousin had a baby.
I got the call from someone in my family that her baby was stillborn.
I cried for her and remember thinking how terrible it must have been.
Someone had told me that she kept the baby in the room with her for over a day and that she bathed her and dressed her and took pictures of her before the funeral home came and got her.
Many people in my family were disgusted by it and said how morbid it was. I admit, that I agreed with them.
Now that I have been through a similar experience, I can't believe I ever thought that way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure my family and friends said things about me and Cayden too. They don't understand and they never will.
What may seem morbid and gross to other people, was the only memories I have with my baby. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks and loved him with everything in me...just as my cousin did.
After all these years have gone by, I feel the need to tell her what an amazing mom she is and how sorry I am about her little girl.

It is so easy to judge being an outsider....
but losing a child is something that doesn't ever go away and the grief can be hard to live with...
so please think a little and try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge or before you try to say something you think may sound right.
A mom who has lost a child has a heavy heart and is longing for her child she lost and sometimes the weight of everyone around her can make life seem unbearable....
Reach out and tell her that you are there and that you love her...
A few simple words can mean a lot.

I miss you and love you Cayden.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

15 months

Cayden would have been 15 months today...yet another month has passed me by.
I still miss him him as much as I did the night he left us.
I love thinking back to the time we had together.
I remember being pregnant and being so scared of the unknown.
I was scared of what he was going to look like and how Ryan and I were going to handle everything. I was so scared of everything actually.
But looking back now, I had nothing to be scared of and I wish I could tell all Moms in this situation that it is normal to fear the unknown, but trust in your heart that no matter what, you are going to love your baby with everything in you no matter what he/she looks like.
When the nurse handed Cayden to me, I thought... he is so beautiful, what was I scared of?? And once we put his little hat on, he looked like nothing was wrong, it actually hurt more because every other part of him was absolutely perfect.
I was going to try not to get all emotional tonight, but I can't promise anything these days.

I am really feeling like the second year has been just as hard, if not harder than the first year. I know we are only 3 months into the second year without Cayden, but it feels more real.
The first year was so overwhelming. I was so devastated by losing Cayden and still trying to care for a newborn and 2 other kids plus we had a huge move.
I was seriously floating along day to day.
I feel more stable now, but not having him feels so permanent.
The memories we made with Cayden, seem so far away...some days I feel like I am literally grasping to what little bit I have left of him. I hate that feeling.

Then there are days when I get an email from another mom who found my blog and needs support and it just reminds me that he is not slipping away...he is ALWAYS right there.

A few days ago, I was giving Carter a bath when Lexy came running inside from playing and hands me a pile of mail and says" Mom, there is even a package today!"
Who isn't excited to get a package? ;-)
When I saw the return label said My Forever Child, I was so excited!
My first piece of jewelry in remembrance of Cayden had arrived and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I got my my bracelet that I won on Holly's blog (Caring for Carleigh). It has Cayden's footprints engraved on it and it says his name and birth date. I have worn it everyday since I got it. I can't thank Holly enough. She truly made my heart smile when it really needed it! I feel like a part of him is with me everyday now.
( I highly recommend going to MyForeverChild.com and seeing all the beautiful stuff they have to remember your child.)

No matter if 1 month, 15 months, or 5 years have gone by, I will always miss Cayden.
I will be watching Carter do something new, wondering if Cayden would be doing the same thing. No matter how much time has gone by, the hole in my heart will never be filled.
15 months later and I am still trying to figure out how to live without him. I can handle alot of things in life, but losing my child and all the dreams we had for him has been a very difficult thing to handle. Our little boy couldn't be more loved, I just pray that he feels and knows the love we had and still have for him.

I miss you so so much Cayden.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I know I have said many times that some days are better or easier than others. These days it seems as if I get through the days ok because I stay so busy, but nighttime has always been and still remains to be the hardest for me. Once all the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, it allows me to fall apart. And 15 months later....I still do fall apart quite often. I have my moments during the day too, it is just not as often as it used to be. Yesterday was one of those moments during the day...

Lexy and I were driving home and we are sitting at a red light. She looks out her window and sees a grave yard.

She says " Mom, doesn't it make you sad when you see a graveyard and think about all the people that have died?"

I say" yes Lex, of course it does."

Then she says" Is Cayden in that graveyard right there?"

I feel myself choking back the tears and trying to think of answers to what questions are about to come.
I tell her, "no honey, Cayden is at home on his table."

She seems confused, I tell her again that he was cremated. Then she says, "what does cremated mean?"

At this point I am crying and trying to hold myself together so I can re-explain to my baby girl what happened to her baby brother.

I had already explained to the kids when I was pregnant what we were doing with Cayden after he passed away and why, but I am assuming that Lexy was too little and just didn't quite understand and now that she is almost 7, she is wanting to know more.

The conversation was a very hard one to get through. I explained to her what cremating meant and why we chose to do it. She asked if I wanted to be cremated too and then asked me what she would do if I died too because then she wouldn't have a Mommy or a baby brother anymore. My heart broke as she was talking. She is so mature for her age and everything that happened has really made her grow up so much more. I thought of the conversation I would like to be having with her instead and wishing Cayden was still alive and with us.
If he was, she wouldn't know the depth of pain like she does now and she wouldn't think to ask the questions she was asking.
If he was.... we wouldn't have to be having this talk.
I was longing for the days when life was so carefree and losing one of your children seemed like something that could never happen to you.

I am reminded that no conversation we have will ever be the same again. We are not like other families anymore driving in the car talking about the birds and the bees.
Losing someone that you love so much leaves such an empty place in your life.
Our lives were forever changed by my special little boy. His brother and sister love him so much it is so amazing to me. The bond that they made with him is so strong and it has truly made them stronger kids. To say that I am proud of them would be an understatement.

I love my kids so much....all 4 of them.
And if I could take their pain away, I would.
I would never turn back time and erase what happened because Cayden was such an amazing child and I love him with all my heart...
I would just make it so that he could have stayed with us....
I would make it so my kids smiles were back on their faces like the day I told them that we were having twins....
their first reaction was.. one for each of us to take care of!
They were so excited and happy and filled with joy.
I would give anything to give them that again.
The feeling of being complete...
We are forever missing a part of us.

I love you Cayden Ryan.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

International Babylost Mother's Day

Today was International Babylost Mother's Day.

I wanted to let all the Moms know that I thought of you all today and said a little prayer.
It is such a beautiful day, but such a sad day too.
I wish we didn't have to have a day like this, but we do, so therefore I am am thankful that today was a special Mother's Day for mothers like myself who have lost one of our precious children.
Carley Dudley from Names in the Sand created this special day and I think she is such an amazing woman and mom for all that she does in memory of her son she lost and for all she does for all of us too.

I hope through the tears and sorrow, all of the moms were able to find a little bit of sunshine in their day today, because you all deserved it!

Thank you for being part of my life and sharing part of you with me.

I love you Cayden Ryan.

Sunday, April 24, 2011


My family and I just got back home late this afternoon from a long, much needed, camping trip. We don't take vacations very often, instead we go camping and it is our special family time together. I longed to have Cayden with us, but know that is not possible.

He is always in my thoughts throughout everyday.

Every family memory we make is one more moment without him in it.

Last Easter, it had only been 2 months since we lost Cayden, it amazes me that it has now been a year and almost 3 months.

Tonight, as we sat down to eat our 2nd Easter dinner without Cayden, my heart was feeling heavy. I try to remind myself that everyday without him is one more day closer to him.

As sad and heartbroken as I am without Cayden here, he was such a blessing and I have so much to be thankful for today.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The chest and all the memories it holds

Tonight has been one of the hardest nights I've had in a long time.
It has been heavy on my heart lately, that a year has gone by and I still haven't taken the time to sit down and write a few thank you notes to a few people who went above and beyond during the hardest time of our lives.
So, I had to go into Cayden's chest (where I have everything)to get a few papers out of it with names and address's....
Well, within minutes, I was on my knees smelling all the clothes he wore, and sobbing into his blanket. I just let it all out...I wasn't sure when it would stop either. I normally don't go into the chest(because of this), but I know I should more often.
It just hurts so bad.... I re-lived every second of Cayden's life over and over tonight as I cried....wishing I could have changed what happened.
Why couldn't I keep him?
I miss him so much.
I know I have said this many times, but it just seems so un-real sometimes.
I looked through about 50 ultrasound pictures too and it breaks my heart to think how much time has gone by since they were taken....since I carried him and then held him in my arms.
Ryan and I were so blessed to have had some really special people come into our lives that helped us so much.
For one, our counselor was amazing. Oh, how I miss her so much too. She saw us throughout my pregnancy, she came to the hospital while I was in labor and right after I had the boys. She talked to me on the phone and helped through Cayden's seizures he was having right before he passed away. She will hold a special place in my heart forever.
The 3 nurses who came to our house the night Cayden passed away. We were told that we were going to have to bring him to the nearest hospital to have a Dr state that he had passed. The closest hospital was about 20 minutes away and after Cayden passed away, we were not in the right state of mind to be driving that far.
3 nurses from Albemarle hospice came out to our house at 7 at night to check on Cayden. At that point he was still holding on. They left and said they would be back in the morning, but no sooner then 5 minutes after they left, Cayden passed away. I called them and they came right back. They were able to state the time he passed so that we would not have to go to the hospital. Then they sat with us for hours. They helped with Carter and comforted us through the pain of saying our goodbyes. We were so blessed.
I don't think anything ever hurt so bad as handing Cayden to the lady from the funeral home for the last time and knowing I would never see him again.
I was blessed with Theresa from the funeral home too. She was so kind and gentle. She helped me through so much. Later on, she told me that, after 78 years, Cayden was the first baby they had picked up from a home in the middle of the night.

I came across a letter tonight in the chest that had meant so much when I recieved it a year ago. It was a reminder to me of one of the many lives Cayden touched in his short time. A dear lady that I met through this journey wrote me this letter after meeting Cayden. The letter is too long to write everything in it, but here is a few little pieces;

I think there are some questions that we won't get answers to on this side of Heaven. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you feel in losing Cayden, but I do know this, Cayden was a special little man with a mighty soul. There are few people on this earth who will ever get to experience the presence of someone so special.

While I know the questions in your head and your heart may never be answered, I know that Cayden's life had a purpose and that it touched me beyond explanation.

Carter is just beautiful and as you watch him grow, you will be reminded that you have to know profound sadness to know true happiness. Carter is a gift.

It took every last tear I had to read this letter again that has been tucked away all these months.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad to go through everything. Cause as badly as it hurt, it felt so good to hold his things again and be so close to him. Part of me feels guilty that it is all put away. I have so many different feelings and emotions, it just makes it all harder.
I have run out of words to say because my only thought right now is....
Oh, I miss my baby boy so much.

I love you so much Cayden.

Monday, April 4, 2011

14 Months today

Cayden would have been 14 months old today.
I don't know when I will stop posting monthly birthdays.
Every month when the 4th rolls around, it makes me stop. Take a deep breath and think....
How can another month have gone by?
How have I made it this far?
Oh, how I miss him so....
I would give anything to hold him again, to kiss him again, and just tell him I love him one more time.
I am wondering when that, "it gets easier with time" starts?
Because right now, I am sitting here barely able to see my computer screen through the tears.
I could cry any day at the drop of a time just thinking of Cayden or remembering something about him.
I am still clinging to every memory we had.

I went out tonight to a spouses club meeting on base. I laughed quite a bit and had a really good time, but then when I got home, I felt guilty.
Maybe because there was a time when I never thought that would happen again...
When I thought my life couldn't go on.
My heart was broken beyond fixing.
It still feels that way, but my days stay very busy with 3 kids and a to do list a mile long everyday.

14 months sounds like such a long time when I say it, but it's strange how it seems like yesterday I got the heartbreaking news about Cayden and then it feels like eternity since I held my baby boy in my arms.
What a journey this has been.
The ups and downs. The smiles and the tears.
Greif has no instructions, so I just get by day to day. Some days are good and some days are bad.

I spoke to a friend the other day, she was with me alot throughout my pregnancy and after losing Cayden and since then we have moved away from each other.
She told me that she had a new friend who's baby was recently diagnosed with anencephaly. The woman immediately knew she was going to terminate. Her husband did not want her to, but she knew that was what she was doing. My friend tried to talk her out of it and told her my story and tried to tell her that through her faith it would all be ok. I was so sad when my friend told me that she went through with it and terminated the pregnancy. I don't judge her, but my heart was so sad that she didn't see the blessing in her baby's life. I hate hearing stories like this...

If I could change what happened, I would. I would give anything to have Cayden here with us to stay, but I can't. So I try to live my life through his memories and share his story and hope that it helps someone else. His life had so much meaning. He touched the lives of so many people in such a short amount of time. He was so amazing. I am so proud to be his Mom.
14 months later and through all the pain and heartache, I would rewind the time if I could and go through it all over again.. just for one more moment with him.

I miss you and love you Cayden Ryan.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

It just hurts

Here it is again...
Another post where..... it just hurts.

Being a baby loss mama is so hard and being a mom of a twinless twin has been so difficult for me too.

I go to the grocery store, but I dread it...because every time I go, I know I will run into twins...if not in the store then on the cover of a magazine.

I go to pick Lexy up from school, but I hate to...because there is a set of twins that walks out with her.

I go to ice skating lessons with Lexy every Monday, but I don't want to...because the same twins that I see at her school are at ice skating too.

I go to playgroup, but dread it.... because someone, somehow always says something about twins and makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I go out front and talk to my neighbor, but most days avoid it...because she always talks about her sister in law that just had twins.

Does it ever get easier?? Does it ever not hurt so bad?? Will I ever know what it feels like again to want to leave my house and interact with other people? Some days hurt worse than others when it comes to these things, but it's normally a sting to the heart and the feeling of wanting to run and hide.

I want my baby boy. I wish Carter, Anthony, and Lexy had their brother and never had to learn this kind of pain. It stinks.

Yesterday, I am talking to Ryan in the kitchen and we have the news on in the background...all of a sudden we are both looking at the tv. It is a video of twins boys standing in their diaper babbling to each other....then comes that stinging to the heart and the urge to turn the tv off. Ryan says, " that could have been Carter and Cayden" and then I know that the video hurts him just as much as it is hurting me.

Now, I turn on the tv, but wait..because at any moments twins might be on it.

That's the thing...the list goes on. It doesn't end. I know it is all part of my grieving and I am praying that it will get easier with time. I am sure that people who have not been in the same situation, think that I am out of line, but I can't help it...it just hurts.

I was a Mom to twins. I still am, it's just different because one of mine is in Heaven. Our story is different. So when someone mentions twins or I see them, I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could.
The only thing that gets me through these hard moments is when I stop to remind myself that we have a guardian angel watching over us all the time. Not everyone is able to say that.
I learn more everyday about how to get through certain moments or how to answer certain questions, but sometimes...
it still just hurts.

Love you baby boy.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Every little bit of info can help someone

Last week I was contacted by another mom whose baby also passed away from anencephaly. Her name is Monika and she is the woman who created http://www.anencephalie-info.org/. A website that helped me through so many hard, sleepless nights while I was pregnant. I found most of the blogs that I follow now on the website also.

So, to say the least, I am beyond grateful to Monika for creating such a helpful site for moms who are given this diagnosis for their baby. I was more then happy to hear that she found my blog and that she thought some of my words on my blog may be very helpful to another twin mom in this situation. She has now posted one of my posts in the family section of the website. That really makes my heart happy.

I went on the website tonight after not being on it since I was pregnant and I read the newest stories and looked up new blogs. I came across one moms story that really made me think and wish....if I only knew then what I know now. If only Drs and hospitals staff were more knowledgeable about anencephaly.

Ryan and I met with a neonatologist at the children's hospital towards the end of my pregnancy. He informed us that he honestly knew as much as us when it came to the diagnosis and that he had read up on it before he met with us. He said that these babies just don't normally live through birth and if they do, we should not feed him or do anything whatsoever to prolong his life. We asked so many questions that he just didn't have the answers to. We asked if there was anything to do to the exposed part of his head and he said there was nothing we could do.

Well, come to find out..... if you give a baby with anencephaly oxygen, their color stays much better and they don't lose their breath so much. Babies with anencephaly sometimes have muscle spasms or seizures and the oxygen helps that. It keeps their muscles calm and not as tense. Well, some of you may remember me writing in an older post about how Cayden had those seizures a few times a day in the hospital and a lot in the last few hours of his life and to know that there was something I could have done to help him really upsets me. It was a very hard for me to watch him have them. I also found out that the spot on their head that's exposed, needs to stay moist. A sterile gauze with warm water is an easy way to do just that. You do not want to let it get dry or scab. I wish someone had told me this while I was pregnant. I had asked the Drs these questions and none of them had answers for me. They actually thought it was ridiculous when I said that I wanted to put something on his head to protect it from the air. I was scared of infection.
It really makes me sad as to how uneducated Drs and nurses are to anencephaly. This little information could be such a huge difference in a baby with anencephaly and may help relieve some stress that the family may have due to these things.

Monika Jaquier(founder of anencephaly-info.org) has published a report about babies with anencephaly who have been carried to term in a journal for ob/gyns. It is based on the experience and data of affected families. You can go on the website and email her your information: www.anencephalie-info.org/e/facts.php. I think it is so great that she has done this! I feel that we need to get the information out there more.

I thank you so much Monika for creating such a wonderful and informative website and for taking the time to gather information from other moms to further educate our medical field. You and your precious girl are in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope that someday Cayden's story can help another mom.....

I love and miss you Cayden.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Please don't hurt me, I am already hurting enough

I have been wanting to write for the past week, but when I start to, it seems as if I have a million thoughts going through my head, but I can't actually put any of it into words.

I am sad tonight as I write...
I miss Cayden....
I know this is nothing new.
My heart is heavy.
I am hurting.

I feel like I have been hurt so much by others along this journey. I wrote a post awhile back about others being so hurtful and since that post, I feel like it happens quite often.
I know one of my biggest strengths and weakness's is that I have a big heart.
I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I hurt someone. I always try to think of everyone's feelings.
When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly, I was deeply hurt by alot of family and close friends comments and remarks. And still to this day, I am being hurt by what others say. I have stopped and thought, they didn't mean that....
or they just weren't thinking what they were saying...
or they just don't understand, but
how many times can I tell myself these things?

I am already hurting inside, why is it that others have to hurt me too?

I remember the day that my Dr told me that we were having twins. It was such a crazy, happy, exciting, scary, day! I had told Ryan not to take off of work to go to the appt with me. In my mind, I was thinking...
3rd child, 1st Dr appt at 8 weeks along, not much is going to happen where he would need to be there.
Boy, was I wrong! The Dr decided to do an ultrasound, which I have never had done with my other 2 kids at my first appt. He was just about done with the ultrasound and then he said, "Wow, wait a minute...we have two babies in here!" I didn't believe him. I thought he was messing with me. I was in shock! When I saw two babies on the screen, I couldn't believe my eyes. The Dr couldn't believe how calm I was. He said in all the years he had been doing this, whenever he had to tell a Mom that she was having twins, it never remained this calm in the room :-0 I think it hadn't settled, but I was also pretty excited. I love babies so much! But then came the dreaded words that are forever stuck in my head....
"As exciting or scary as this is, you have to know, with two babies, this now becomes a high risk pregnancy and the chances of one of them not making it are very high. We are still so early in the game and have to monitor you very closely!"
I was thinking to myself, "did he have to just scare the daylights out of me?" Then he handed me a video of the ultrasound to take home and put in the dvd player and see if Ryan and the kids could figure it out without me telling them.
Well that didn't happen, I was way too excited, I jumped out of the car and they were waiting for me outside. I told them right away. Everyone was so excited. It was such a happy day....
if only it had a happy ending.
I struggled my whole pregnancy with trying to find a way to be happy while having my heart ripped out at the same time.
It was so hard knowing that I was carrying two little boys who were supposed to grow up being the best of friends.
I heard from SO many people, "well, at least you will still get to take a baby home." But that didn't take my pain away, nobody understood.
The Drs always told me, "You have to focus on the baby that is going to live, but I couldn't. They didn't understand either....none of them had ever been through what I was going through.
I often wondered how I was going to be able to take care of a baby after losing a baby.
Looking back, I don't know how I did it some days. I know that God was definitely with us the night Cayden passed away. I can't even put into words how the night went, but God was in my home carrying me through it all and making sure that Carter was cared for while we had our time to say goodbye to Cayden.

It all feels like a dream to me.
How were we blessed with the joy of having twins?? Did I really have a baby that didn't have the top of his head??
How has a year already gone by since I said goodbye to my baby boy??

I am tired of being hurt by other people, but I will pull myself back together and I know that everyday is one day closer to seeing my baby again. I thank God everyday for Ryan and my 3 babies here on Earth with me....they are my everything.

I know my journey is a different one. One that not very many people can relate to or quite understand. I didn't ask for it, it was given to me. But it's Cayden's story. A story that I could tell a million times and smile and cry all at the same time while teliing it.

I Miss you Cayden.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Please pray!

I am on here tonight asking everyone to please pray!!I just found out that the sweet little boy Avery, that I told you all about a few posts ago, passed away this morning. Remember the little boy who chocked on a hot dog?

I sat here tonight reading Avery's CaringBridge page sobbing so hard I could barely breath. I was reminded of the deep unbearable pain and heartache of the night Cayden passed away. My heart breaks for this family. I know sweet Avery is now in Heaven dancing with Cayden, pain free, but I know from my own pain that it doesn't make it any easier. I ask everyone to please say a prayer for this family and for Avery. Feel free to go to their page and send them a message.

Tonight as you tuck your children in, hug them a little tighter, love them a little longer, and thank the Lord for every minute that you have with them.

I love you Cayden Ryan.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

To Cremate or Not to Cremate

I have been struggling with something a little bit this past month and I am not sure what to do about it. My family and I created an area in our living room for Cayden. It is HIS table.
It has a fresh vase of flowers at all times, an angel candle, my digital picture frame showing all our pictures with him, his urn, and a few random other things.
Well, I am not sure why I feel this way, but I told our counselor the other day, that I feel like his grave is sitting in my living room.

I was so desperate to do something big in my home so that Cayden will always be thought of and remembered and now I am not sure I did the right thing...
I would so much prefer to have little pieces of him all over the house.
I don't know what I did wrong, but with his ashes and the vase of flowers, it just feels so much like his grave to me.

I am going to get off the subject just a little for a minute to explain how we came to the decision of cremating.
When we found out about Cayden having anencephaly, there was so many things we had to take care of before the birth. It was overwhelming...
I am sure quite a few of the Moms that read my blog know exactly what I am talking about.
Well one of the things that was one of the hardest decision to make, was whether we would cremate or not.
We didn't actually make the final decision until about a week before the birth.
I cried about it every night praying that God would lead us in a certain direction on what to do.
With Ryan being in the Coast Guard, we move every 4 years, so I couldn't imagine burying my baby boy and moving away from him....that is just something that I couldn't live with.
But on the other hand, I was having the hardest time thinking about my sons body being on fire and turned into ashes...the thought of it ripped my heart out.
Then I wondered how will I ever explain to my kids what cremating means.
We thought about burying him next to my grandpa in Vermont, but I couldn't bare the thought of him being so far away from me...
We ended up deciding that cremating was the only way that we could take Cayden everywhere we go.
The day the cremation was scheduled, I honestly didn't think that I was going to be able to go through with it...I felt sick at the thoughts going through my head. I wanted to call them and tell them not to do it.
Just thinking about it now, is making me fall apart.
It is done now and there is no turning back.
I can't say it is a decision that I am happy with, but I am not so sure I would be happy with either decision I had to make. There was no easy part about it!
I did what I had to so that Cayden will always be with us.
I would also like to add that I highly recommend a book called, "Tell Me Papa" if you need help explaining death and all the things that go along with it to a child.

Just the other day, my Lexy says, " Mama, what did that lady that came and picked up Cayden do with his body? Does God have it now?
I swallowed hard as I tried to fight the tears and explain that Cayden's soul/spirit went to God and that his body was no longer needed so we had it cremated. She asked what cremated meant, but I slowly talked about other things, in fear that it may scare her.
My counselor also told me to explain it to kids, that our body is like a peanut. The outer shell is just a cover and the best part is on the inside. Lexy seemed to understand a little better when I told her that.
Now since Anthony is quite a bit older, I explained everything to him and he seemed okay with it all. He said he is happy that Cayden is always with us. Knowing that makes me feel a little bit better.

There really is nothing easy about anything when you find out that your baby will not live. It is a long, heartbreaking road...but like I always say, I would do it again.

I am going to put my mind to work and try to think of ideas to make Cayden be more spread throughout my house and not just at his table. I am open to any ideas or suggestions :-)

I Love you Cayden.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Happy 13 months!

I woke up this morning thinking, "Wow! my boys are 13 months today!"
I wonder all the time what life would be like if Cayden was still with us.

Carter has always been such a hard baby. He had alot of issues when he was first born. After losing Cayden, I wondered how I was going to make it through each day, all while I was having to drive an hour away everyday to take Carter to the Dr for weight checks, heel pricks, and the list goes on. He was extremely colic. When he was about 3 weeks old, I took him in for a check and the Dr said, "I think there is something much more serious going on, you need to get in your car and get to CHKD(the children's hospital another 45 minutes away from the Dr office) immediately. We are sending a request for an immediate upper GI to be performed."
My heart sank as I called Ryan to tell him to pack up the kids and meet me an hour and half away cause the Drs think something is wrong with Carter. It was a horrible thing to hear after just losing your other baby. After a long few hours, the Dr said that it was a severe case of reflux that was causing major discomfort :-(
As the months went on, it never got easier. Carter remained the fussiest baby. He was always uncomfortable and cried ALOT. Part of me wondered if Carter just needed Cayden, his partner who was supposed to be with him through everything...
Well, to this day, Carter is still my little cry baby.
He was sitting on the kitchen floor today crying for no reason.
I looked at Ryan and said, "do you ever wonder what Cayden would be like? Do you think he would be the easy going one?"
That is one of the hardest parts of this journey...the unknown....the what ifs?
I know I will never know, but it's impossible not to wonder.

I try not to post many pictures of Carter on this blog because it is Cayden's blog. But today I decided that Carter is so much a part of Cayden. Cayden will live on forever in him, so I decided to post a recent picture of my fussy little baby boy :-)

I know in this picture he makes me out to be a liar :o

As each day goes on, I miss Cayden more and more.
I know this is just the beginning too.
I know one day in the near future, I will have to tell Carter all about his twin brother that is now in Heaven watching over us...
I know it will be so hard and hurt so bad.
Our journey has just begun.
My heart is so heavy tonight as I think of Cayden and miss him so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

So many memories

Everyone including Ryan was in bed and asleep by 8:30 tonight, woohoo! This is not a normal in our house. I always have a goal of getting the kids in bed by that time, but it never happens. I decided to head to the computer and work on my blogs a little bit. Before I knew it, I was going through photos on the computer to upload to our family blog. I came across some pictures that we had taken a few days before I had the boys. I had actually forgotten about these pictures. We took them as memories of the last few pictures at home with both boys still alive in my tummy. As I looked at these pictures it brought back so many memories. All I could do was cry....but I don't know if I am crying tears of joy or tears of pain....maybe a little of both. It hurt to to remember a time when I still had both my baby boys, but it was such a happy time too.
Oh, if only I could rewind the time back to that night.

I miss feeling Cayden move nonstop and keep me up all night! It makes me sad to think about the days he was still growing inside me.

My belly was so big that it hurt to do anything the last few days.

I can't help but smile when I see these pictures! It was so amazing to have the privilege to carry 2 baby boys at the same time. My belly was so big :0

I can honestly say that as hard as this past year has been, I would do it all over again ...Cayden was such an amazing child. The memories we made with him while I was pregnant and the short time he was with us are irreplaceable. I will cherish them until the day our good Lord calls me home.
These Memories are all I have left......
Mama misses you and loves you my sweet baby boy.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Life happenings and then some

This is a post that I started writing 2 weeks ago...I couldn't pull myself together to finish writing it and of course since that day.... "life" has happened.

I think I have finally come to realize a lot of things these past couple of weeks. One of them is that I really have not been able to move forward since losing Cayden. When I say move forward, I do not in any way mean leaving him behind. I mean accepting what happened, realize Cayden is safe and pain free in Heaven and learn to live in my "new normal". I think part of me has been scared to do all of the above, in fear that, it will mean, I am leaving Cayden behind. But the truth is....Cayden will never be left behind. He is so much a part of everything we do. He is everywhere we are and ALWAYS in my heart. He is what I think of with every flower.. every butterfly.. every snowflake...every thought. I have realized that I need to let go of this guilt that I hold onto...I say this, with tears pouring down my face.

When the boys birthday came and Cayden's angel*versary, I was brought to my knees with such an unbearable pain. I was able to see that I have been going day to day, month to month for the past year, just barely getting though it. Floating along the river of grief. I know in some ways this is normal after losing your child, but I also know that Cayden knows he will never be left behind or forgotten. Every time I look at his twin brother.... I think of him.
I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful and amazing children here on Earth with me. They are my everything. Everything they say and do helps put a smile upon my face. They never let a day go by without speaking Cayden's name. He is always with us.

I have looked back on this past year and it all seems like a dream.
Will someone please wake me up now??
I honestly do not know how we have survived all the heartache and pain. I honestly cannot believe that my precious baby boy died. He should be here with us now. Trying to walk and talk. Clap and wave. kiss and hug. All these things that I am watching Carter do just makes me long for Cayden even more.

Since I wrote this post, I had my sister and her family here with us for a week and my whole family came down with a stomach bug. Every single one of us! Like a chain reaction, got sick within hours of each other. It was terrible.

I found out a week ago that a woman that I had just recently met committed suicide. She lived a few streets over from me. In case anyone reading this doesn't know us very well, we live in housing on a military base. This lady worked on base and was well loved by so many people. She was married to a chief in the Coast Guard and had 2teenage children. When I heard the news...I was in shock. After losing Cayden, death hits so close to home no matter what the circumstance...life is too short already, why would anyone want to take their own life? I know that is a question only she knows, but I wish I could have told her how precious her life was and how many people she was going to leave behind with a broken heart...so sad.

I read today on one of my Mama blogs that I follow about a little boy named, Avery(age 2 or 3). He chocked on a hot dog yesterday and is now in the hospital fighting for his life. A ventilator is breathing for him. There is a 30% chance that he will survive and if he does, he will be a totally different child. Reading this, broke my heart. I am sure most of the people reading this blog have children who eat hot dogs. I thought of my children eating them just the other night with their cousins. How do these things happen? How did Avery's parents go from pure happiness to life shattering pain?

It brought me back to...how was I so unaware of so many things 18 months ago? I never knew what it felt like to lose a child..to carry your child for 35 weeks, knowing they were not going to live very long...to hold your baby in your arms knowing that they could die at any moment. To know now that I will never be the same. Everyone around me will never know the depth of my pain. My friends will never understand what we have been through. I know other Moms who have lost a child know the extent of my pain, that's why I am grateful and thankful for all the amazing Moms/friends I have made during this journey.

I apologize for being all over the place writing this post. I had so many different things I wanted to write about. I am off to bed to dream about my baby boy....
I love you Cayden.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

picking up the pieces....

Where do I begin....
When I say that this past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life...it may be an understatement. I was taken so off guard. On Friday(Carter and Cayden's birthday) I couldn't even find the motivation to get dressed. It was terrible, I pretty much sat around and cried. I had planned on going to get Cayden's balloon's first thing in the morning to release when Ryan got off of work, but when noon came and I still wasn't ready to leave, I knew it was going to be nearly impossible to make myself go.
I finally went sometime in the early afternoon.
Lexy and I went into the grocery store and we told the woman our situation ans asked her if she thought what we wanted to do would work. She said, "well, it won't hurt to try " so I asked her for 6 multicolored balloons. I pulled each balloon open while Lexy placed each one of our notes to Cayden in the balloon. Then the woman blew them up and wished us luck and we went on our way.
Well throughout the day, Carter had taken a turn for the worse, his fever was back, coughing really bad and I figured I might want to take him to the Dr before the weekend came and we ended up back in the ER, so the Dr office said to come around 4...ughh, not what I wanted to hear! I was stressing so bad about this because we had planned to send the balloons to Cayden when Ryan got off of work at 4.
I was hoping and praying that it would all still work out.
Well, it didn't.
I ended up being at the Dr for an hour and a half. I got home just in time for Ryan and the kids to jump in the van and take off for Anthony's basketball game. We arrived home at 8. At this point I was so mad that I was taking it out on all the wrong people... I was so mad that the one thing I had wanted to do for my baby boy didn't go the way I wanted it too. I felt like... what is the purpose in going and releasing the balloons at 8 at night, his birthday is pretty much over. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who talked me into doing it. It was very cold out, but we drove to an empty field with a spotlight on the truck and stood outside together telling Cayden how much we miss him and Love him as we let all of our balloons and notes go. It was so beautiful, although it wasn't what I had planned.

I ended up going home and going to bed with a broken heart... yearning to hold my baby that is no longer with us and feeling such overwhelming guilt for not even celebrating my other baby's big day.

I lay there wondering how I was going to face this day every year for the rest of my life?
What kind of ritual was I starting?
Why couldn't I pull myself together and be strong like I do every other day of the year?

On Saturday, we took Anthony and Lexy to a support group in the area run by a group called kids grieve too. Amazing women!
The kids really enjoyed it. They got to meet other children who were grieving for a loved one they lost. I think it let them know that they were not alone. They sewed little mini pillows and decorated picture frames. They came home with a whole lot they wanted to talk about. It was supposed to help them out a little before the sad day that was approaching and it did.

Sunday was another hard day. It was the year mark since Cayden went to Heaven. We had all made a few origami boats with sayings for Cayden inside them. We placed a tea light in them and got a bunch of daisy's and headed to the beach to release them. Once again, things were not going as planned, but this time because weather was not cooperating :sigh: It was very cold...extremely windy, the waves were crashing hard, and I knew the boats would never be able to handle it all. So it was time for plan b. We decided to go to the canal and give it our best shot at releasing them. Unfortunately it was only a little better there. I had to climb down steep rocks and release the boats and flowers myself. The kids were not happy...they had looked forward to it all week. We took a few pictures and went home. I tried to explain to them that no matter what Cayden was looking down on us and he knew our good intentions.

At 7 Sunday night, which is when Cayden died, we stood by his table holding hands and said a few words for him and prayed. It was very sad, we all cried and hugged.

In the end, I survived it just like I knew I would. I just miss my baby boy so much. No amount of time will ever change that.... In the meantime I just have to pick up the pieces to my broken heart and keep going....
Mama loves you Cayden.

I came across a picture of my 2 boys the other day and I just love it so much. I wanted to share it.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Happy 1st Birthday Cayden and Carter!

I will start by saying Happy 1st Birthday Cayden and Carter! I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that it has been a year since I was holding both of my baby boys. In so many ways it feels like just yesterday and then at times it feels like eternity since I saw or got to touch Cayden.

Today has barely begun and it has already been such a hard day for me. I have cried so much. How can I look at Carter and not wish Cayden was here with us to eat his cake and open his presents too...I wish Cayden could be here with us to sing happy birthday to and go watch his big brother play basketball tonight.....
The missing link that makes my family complete feels so present today. It really feels just like I thought it would feel...how can you feel happiness when the pain is so overbearing? How can I celebrate that Carter is one today without feeling the guilt? I know Cayden is celebrating his special day with Jesus, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier for me....my heart is aching.

On a happy note, I would like to say that I feel beyond privileged to have carried Cayden for 35 weeks. I got to know him so well in that time. He was my little monkey, he never stopped moving. The ultrasounds always showed him hogging all the room :0 There was a few where it showed Cayden scratching carter's back too. Just thinking about these times makes my heart smile. We were beyond blessed to have him with us for almost 3 days. They were the best days of our life. This baby boy changed my life forever. I would do this all over again. I can not even put into words how I feel right now.

We have all written our own private little note to Cayden this week. I am going to go buy some balloons and place our note inside them before having them blown up. Then we are going to release them all this evening in hopes that they will reach him in Heaven...
Happy Birthday baby boy, we all love you so much!

I would also like to say thank you so much to everyone for praying for Carter. I didn't think it would be very nice of me if I didn't give an update on how he is doing. He is still sick(if you can believe it) 10 days now! A little bit better, but not much. The antibiotic the Dr put him on, upset his tummy so bad, that he has been pooing at least 10 times a day and his bottom is welted ::sigh:: He is still coughing nonstop and weak. In the meantime, my other kids have gotten sick too ::sigh again:: I must say...I have been praying ALOT.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

A much needed prayer

Please say a prayer for Carter. We spent the night in the ER last night. He was diagnosed with RSV on Thursday and got worse. He now has a pneumonia. He is so sick and I feel so helpless. This is my first experience with him being sick since we lost Cayden and it has been so scary. After losing a child, it is so different when your baby gets a sickness this severe. My Lexy said yesterday before we left for the hospital..."Mama, I hope he doesn't die." It broke my heart. Most kids her age wouldn't say that, but after losing Cayden, death is an a normal conversation in my house. I just ask everyone to please say a prayer for my little boy that desperately needs it. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks in advance.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Praying for a brighter tomorrow

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you honestly do not know how much more you can handle? Well, I am at that point right now. (this is going to be a long one!)

My family has had a pretty bad start to the new year. My oldest son Anthony was beat up in school a few weeks ago. Being a mother, this was such a horrible phone call to get. I was so upset and angry, I had to have Ryan drive me to the school because I couldn't drive myself. My son was flipped out of his chair backwards in the lunchroom (and could have been paralyzed) and then punched in the head numerous times. We have decided to press charges on the other child, but with that comes alot of stress at a very hard time( Cayden's angelversary is right around the corner). note to all ----> this is the other child's 6th fight of the year and he had already threatened Anthony in October to punch him in the face and break his nose.
I felt that if the school doesn't want to put a stop to this child's behavior than somebody has to.

The very next day we were on our way to the police department to pick up the police report, when we hit some black ice, went sliding off the road, hitting a sign (which caused lots of damage to Ryan's truck) and ending up buried in a foot of snow with a very large tree inches from my window. Now at that point, I was feeling so many emotions again cause I had realized that thankfully, everyone is safe.... very shaken up, but the keyword is safe. Our truck is smashed, but I know that it can fixed. I also know that God was watching over us at that moment because the very large tree inches from my window could have killed us all.

So, a week has gone by and I am trying so hard to hold myself together for my children. I keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Well, this past Sunday we decide to take the kids sledding in the afternoon before the football game starts. Ryan, Carter, and myself are at the bottom of the very big hill in our neighborhood watching Ant and Lexy have too much fun when suddenly we see Ant's sled go flying over the bank and hit a tree. I scream to him, "we are coming, are you ok?"and he sits up and screams "help". Wow, another one of those moments where I felt like I was going to be sick. Ryan and I both took off running up the big hill, Ant was sitting there saying he couldn't feel his arms and he had blacked out. We went back to the car, dropped off Ryan and the other kiddos at home and Ant and I headed to the ER. They checked him out and said he had a mild concussion and to keep a close eye on him for a few days. Wow, another moment when I know, God must have been watching over us.

With all that being said, I woke up Monday morning so sick. I have no voice whatsoever and feel like I am swallowing glass when I swallow. We have court tomorrow and I have no idea how I am going to talk with no voice. I am so exhausted. In 10 days it will be one year since Cayden left us to go to Heaven. I miss my baby boy so much! My hands long to hold him, my lips long to kiss him, and this emptiness in my life longs to be filled by him. I know life has continued for everyone around us, but my life will forever be incomplete. No matter what smile I have upon my face or laughter that slips out from time to time, deep inside..... my heart is broken and can never be be healed.
I feel like I have this need to go above and beyond to protect my children since losing Cayden. It has always been there, but it is now so much stronger! I think I was so blind to things before losing Cayden.
Tomorrow, I will forgot about my sickness and be Anthony's strongest voice in that courtroom.
I tried my hardest to protect Cayden for the 35 weeks I carried him and I tried to give him everything I could during his short time with us. I can only hope that he knows how much I love him and will never let him be forgotten.
I will continue to do everything it takes to protect his brothers and sister that are still here with me now. My children are my everything..... The reason I go on....I love my 4 children with everything in me....
if only my love could have saved Cayden.

I am praying for a brighter tomorrow.

Mama wishes you were here Cayden, I love you.