I remember being wheeled out of the hospital in the wheel chair with my two baby boys all wrapped up tight because there was a huge snow storm outside. Everyone was looking at me and saying awww. Someone said, "Oh my, look at that lady...twins!" Someone else said, "Congrats mamma" and all I could think was, if these people only knew.. I went into the lobby to wait for Ryan to pull the van up. I watched the snow coming down so hard, feeling a little nervous to take the babies out into it. The whole ride home I sat in the way back of the van with my baby boys. It was so beautiful outside... white everywhere! Now, I will forever think of the best and worst day of my life when I see snow. After arriving at home, little did I know, that Cayden was going to start having seizures every 10 minutes for the next 3 hours before passing away in my arms!
This has been such a bittersweet journey. Not very many people can understand. I know that I was very fortunate to have a baby in the end to tend to at home, but my other son still died. It still hurts. In the end, I am still a Mom who lost a baby to anencephaly. My heart is still broke and I still wish more than anything that I could wake up and this bad dream would be over.
Back to last night.....as I stood outside looking up in the sky as the snow fell all around me, I felt a sense of happiness, it felt good. Maybe the snow was a good way to remind me of that day that seems like it was yesterday. I went inside and shared with Ryan and the kids what I had just felt being in the snow again. Oh, how I wish that Cayden was here to play in the snow with us! We miss you and love you!