Monday, December 20, 2010

Let it snow!

So we got our first big snow of the year last night. I went outside alone, looked up into the sky and falling snow and took a deep breath. I let the tears roll down my cheek.

It brought me back to Feb 6, 2010 when I was discharged from the hospital. I will never forget that day. The Dr came in my room, sat on the edge of my bed and said, we are discharging you today. Cayden has beat the odds and to be honest with you, we don't know how long he will live. We think it may be awhile though. We are giving you the option of leaving him here to pass away if it will be too much on you to take him home! ( I almost passed out when he said that) I let him know right away that I would never walk out of that hospital and leave my baby behind, if I was was he! I remember being so happy, but so scared. They said they were going to leave it in the hands of hospice at this point. The neonatologist checked him and said, everything is still doing good and he is such a little fighter, I wish you all the best.
I remember being wheeled out of the hospital in the wheel chair with my two baby boys all wrapped up tight because there was a huge snow storm outside. Everyone was looking at me and saying awww. Someone said, "Oh my, look at that lady...twins!" Someone else said, "Congrats mamma" and all I could think was, if these people only knew.. I went into the lobby to wait for Ryan to pull the van up. I watched the snow coming down so hard, feeling a little nervous to take the babies out into it. The whole ride home I sat in the way back of the van with my baby boys. It was so beautiful outside... white everywhere! Now, I will forever think of the best and worst day of my life when I see snow. After arriving at home, little did I know, that Cayden was going to start having seizures every 10 minutes for the next 3 hours before passing away in my arms!
This has been such a bittersweet journey. Not very many people can understand. I know that I was very fortunate to have a baby in the end to tend to at home, but my other son still died. It still hurts. In the end, I am still a Mom who lost a baby to anencephaly. My heart is still broke and I still wish more than anything that I could wake up and this bad dream would be over.

Back to last I stood outside looking up in the sky as the snow fell all around me, I felt a sense of happiness, it felt good. Maybe the snow was a good way to remind me of that day that seems like it was yesterday. I went inside and shared with Ryan and the kids what I had just felt being in the snow again. Oh, how I wish that Cayden was here to play in the snow with us! We miss you and love you!
Love, Mommy

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