Thursday, May 19, 2011
Cayden is not here with me and
my life is not the same without him...
I miss him more then I could ever possibly put into words on this blog.
I feel sad for all the new moms that I have come to know who are pregnant with a baby who is not going to live long or who have already lost their precious child.
Lately I have been hearing heartbreaking stories all the time on the news about a mom who has killed her child/children.
I always think....Life is too short already.
Who are we to chose when our child should die?
I find it hard to hear these things without falling apart,
it breaks my heart.
I heard from a mom today who is 17 weeks pregnant with a baby with anencephaly. My heart was so sad for her, but I smiled when I read that she chose to carry her baby to term. It seems like I don't hear that very often. I look back now and honestly can't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was hard and some days I felt like I couldn't go on, but I did and the 3 days I had with Cayden mean the world to me. I am honored to have been the mom to such a strong willed, little fighter.
I still struggle now with trying to live a normal life after losing Cayden. People are always saying something that seems to upset me. I feel like I can never put my guard down. I can't tell you how many times I wish that I'd had a copy with me of the: what friends and family can do page I have listed on my blog.
Most of the time I hold it in and then come home upset and vent to Ryan. I think that I have come to realize that people just don't understand unless they have been through it, which I don't wish on anyone. But I also have to protect my heart too, so I have been hanging out and doing lots of bonding with Carter these days ;-)
I remember quite a few years back...
I think I only had Anthony at the time and my cousin had a baby.
I got the call from someone in my family that her baby was stillborn.
I cried for her and remember thinking how terrible it must have been.
Someone had told me that she kept the baby in the room with her for over a day and that she bathed her and dressed her and took pictures of her before the funeral home came and got her.
Many people in my family were disgusted by it and said how morbid it was. I admit, that I agreed with them.
Now that I have been through a similar experience, I can't believe I ever thought that way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure my family and friends said things about me and Cayden too. They don't understand and they never will.
What may seem morbid and gross to other people, was the only memories I have with my baby. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks and loved him with everything in me...just as my cousin did.
After all these years have gone by, I feel the need to tell her what an amazing mom she is and how sorry I am about her little girl.
It is so easy to judge being an outsider....
but losing a child is something that doesn't ever go away and the grief can be hard to live with...
so please think a little and try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge or before you try to say something you think may sound right.
A mom who has lost a child has a heavy heart and is longing for her child she lost and sometimes the weight of everyone around her can make life seem unbearable....
Reach out and tell her that you are there and that you love her...
A few simple words can mean a lot.
I miss you and love you Cayden.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Cayden would have been 15 months today...yet another month has passed me by.
I still miss him him as much as I did the night he left us.
I love thinking back to the time we had together.
I remember being pregnant and being so scared of the unknown.
I was scared of what he was going to look like and how Ryan and I were going to handle everything. I was so scared of everything actually.
But looking back now, I had nothing to be scared of and I wish I could tell all Moms in this situation that it is normal to fear the unknown, but trust in your heart that no matter what, you are going to love your baby with everything in you no matter what he/she looks like.
When the nurse handed Cayden to me, I thought... he is so beautiful, what was I scared of?? And once we put his little hat on, he looked like nothing was wrong, it actually hurt more because every other part of him was absolutely perfect.
I was going to try not to get all emotional tonight, but I can't promise anything these days.
I am really feeling like the second year has been just as hard, if not harder than the first year. I know we are only 3 months into the second year without Cayden, but it feels more real.
The first year was so overwhelming. I was so devastated by losing Cayden and still trying to care for a newborn and 2 other kids plus we had a huge move.
I was seriously floating along day to day.
I feel more stable now, but not having him feels so permanent.
The memories we made with Cayden, seem so far away...some days I feel like I am literally grasping to what little bit I have left of him. I hate that feeling.
Then there are days when I get an email from another mom who found my blog and needs support and it just reminds me that he is not slipping away...he is ALWAYS right there.
A few days ago, I was giving Carter a bath when Lexy came running inside from playing and hands me a pile of mail and says" Mom, there is even a package today!"
Who isn't excited to get a package? ;-)
When I saw the return label said My Forever Child, I was so excited!
My first piece of jewelry in remembrance of Cayden had arrived and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I got my my bracelet that I won on Holly's blog (Caring for Carleigh). It has Cayden's footprints engraved on it and it says his name and birth date. I have worn it everyday since I got it. I can't thank Holly enough. She truly made my heart smile when it really needed it! I feel like a part of him is with me everyday now.
( I highly recommend going to MyForeverChild.com and seeing all the beautiful stuff they have to remember your child.)
No matter if 1 month, 15 months, or 5 years have gone by, I will always miss Cayden.
I will be watching Carter do something new, wondering if Cayden would be doing the same thing. No matter how much time has gone by, the hole in my heart will never be filled.
15 months later and I am still trying to figure out how to live without him. I can handle alot of things in life, but losing my child and all the dreams we had for him has been a very difficult thing to handle. Our little boy couldn't be more loved, I just pray that he feels and knows the love we had and still have for him.
I miss you so so much Cayden.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I know I have said many times that some days are better or easier than others. These days it seems as if I get through the days ok because I stay so busy, but nighttime has always been and still remains to be the hardest for me. Once all the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, it allows me to fall apart. And 15 months later....I still do fall apart quite often. I have my moments during the day too, it is just not as often as it used to be. Yesterday was one of those moments during the day...
Lexy and I were driving home and we are sitting at a red light. She looks out her window and sees a grave yard.
She says " Mom, doesn't it make you sad when you see a graveyard and think about all the people that have died?"
I say" yes Lex, of course it does."
Then she says" Is Cayden in that graveyard right there?"
I feel myself choking back the tears and trying to think of answers to what questions are about to come.
I tell her, "no honey, Cayden is at home on his table."
She seems confused, I tell her again that he was cremated. Then she says, "what does cremated mean?"
At this point I am crying and trying to hold myself together so I can re-explain to my baby girl what happened to her baby brother.
I had already explained to the kids when I was pregnant what we were doing with Cayden after he passed away and why, but I am assuming that Lexy was too little and just didn't quite understand and now that she is almost 7, she is wanting to know more.
The conversation was a very hard one to get through. I explained to her what cremating meant and why we chose to do it. She asked if I wanted to be cremated too and then asked me what she would do if I died too because then she wouldn't have a Mommy or a baby brother anymore. My heart broke as she was talking. She is so mature for her age and everything that happened has really made her grow up so much more. I thought of the conversation I would like to be having with her instead and wishing Cayden was still alive and with us.
If he was, she wouldn't know the depth of pain like she does now and she wouldn't think to ask the questions she was asking.
If he was.... we wouldn't have to be having this talk.
I was longing for the days when life was so carefree and losing one of your children seemed like something that could never happen to you.
I am reminded that no conversation we have will ever be the same again. We are not like other families anymore driving in the car talking about the birds and the bees.
Losing someone that you love so much leaves such an empty place in your life.
Our lives were forever changed by my special little boy. His brother and sister love him so much it is so amazing to me. The bond that they made with him is so strong and it has truly made them stronger kids. To say that I am proud of them would be an understatement.
I love my kids so much....all 4 of them.
And if I could take their pain away, I would.
I would never turn back time and erase what happened because Cayden was such an amazing child and I love him with all my heart...
I would just make it so that he could have stayed with us....
I would make it so my kids smiles were back on their faces like the day I told them that we were having twins....
their first reaction was.. one for each of us to take care of!
They were so excited and happy and filled with joy.
I would give anything to give them that again.
The feeling of being complete...
We are forever missing a part of us.
I love you Cayden Ryan.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Today was International Babylost Mother's Day.
I wanted to let all the Moms know that I thought of you all today and said a little prayer.
It is such a beautiful day, but such a sad day too.
I wish we didn't have to have a day like this, but we do, so therefore I am am thankful that today was a special Mother's Day for mothers like myself who have lost one of our precious children.
Carley Dudley from Names in the Sand created this special day and I think she is such an amazing woman and mom for all that she does in memory of her son she lost and for all she does for all of us too.
I hope through the tears and sorrow, all of the moms were able to find a little bit of sunshine in their day today, because you all deserved it!
Thank you for being part of my life and sharing part of you with me.
I love you Cayden Ryan.