Thursday, July 21, 2011

Not all here these days

If I have realized one thing lately, it is that my grief has come back with a vengeance.
I had been feeling good most days for some time now. Of course, I have my moments, but I was actually amazed that what everyone had told me, "it gets easier with time," was true.
I thought I had reached a point where I wasn't crying all the time anymore and my days were so busy that I didn't even have time to think.
But lately my heart is heavy...
I cry at the drop of a dime.
I spent ALOT of time reliving in my mind what happened.
I think of things I could have done differently.
I think about all of the what ifs....
I feel on edge and snappy and frustrated.
I often try to imagine what my life would be like if Cayden was here.
I cry for friendships that I have lost through this, but I am so grateful that I learned who is meant to be in my life right now.
In a few weeks it will be 18 months since my boys were born and Cayden left us to go to a better place...
I can barely swallow right now when I think back on the past 18 months.
I hate that when I see a woman pregnant with twins or that has twins...I feel emotions that I can't control. I should be happy for her, but my emotions are taking over everything.
I cringe when I hear a friend complain about something so little...if they only knew.
From the moment I wake up, while I am in the shower, while I am cooking or driving, I can't help, but think of Cayden and wish he was here with us.
I feel alone in this big, lonely world. Everyone has moved on and honestly most days it seems as if Ryan has too. I try to talk to him ALL the time about it and he just listens and goes about his day....
I always have wanted a big family and lots of kids. I just love babies so much. They melt my heart. I don't mean like the Dugger's or anything. ;) I have always said I want 4 kids and I was blessed with 4 kids, sadly one of them couldn't stay here with me.
Unfortunately, Ryan doesn't want anymore kids after what we have been through. He feels we have been through too much heartache and that he is not strong enough to go through it again. I understand and admire his honesty, so I am ok with this. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am sad about it too.
Watching my baby suffer and have seizures nonstop for an hour before slowly leaving this Earth, was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. Of course I wouldn't ever want to go through it again, but I would if I was faced with it and it meant, time with my baby.
I feel like I am all over the place with this kind of goes with how I have been everyday.
I am losing stuff nonstop ( I lost my car keys the other day and looked everywhere for days but could not find them. I was using my spare key and ended up losing that too!) Seriously...what is wrong with me?
I can't keep my thoughts together either.
I feel out of sorts.
My house is a mess (which normally I am good at staying on top of)
and in the all comes down to one thing.
I want my Cayden back.
Without him, I am incomplete.

I love you sweet boy.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I feel broken

I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.

I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.

I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.

Well news flash...

I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
It sucks.
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.

All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.

No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.

I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.

As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know feels unbearable.

I miss you and love you so much baby boy.

Monday, July 4, 2011

17 months

It has been 17 months today.
Another month without Cayden in my arms.
But yet another day closer until I will see him again.
My life is full of happiness and I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet, it is never enough.
I will always be incomplete without my baby boy.
Everything I say and do, always brings me right to him.

I want to write on here so much more than I do these days, but I hate that it seems like I am always saying the same thing over. I am a mama who lost her son 17 months ago. I have a broken heart that can never be completely healed. I am happy, but there is always tears behind every smile. I long to hold Cayden in my arms and kiss him one more time.

I hate that every night I go to bed thinking of his face instead of kissing it goodnight.

I am sometimes amazed that I am still hurt by what others say 17 months later..
Carter is pretty crazy these days. He has me going non-stop.
A friend of mine says the other day, "whew, can you imagine if you had two of thank you!"
She was pretty much saying thank God Cayden didn't live because my life would be even harder.
I wanted to tell her...I would give anything to have two of him. I would do anything to not have had my son die...I still haven't figured out why people say such stupid things.

We had a fun night tonight at the beach watching fireworks, but of course as Carter played in the sand and laughed, I was thinking of Cayden..wishing he was right next to his brother playing too. That is nothing new though..I always wish Cayden was here to grow up side by side with Carter.

It is hard to believe that 17 months ago, I had 2 baby boys in my arms.... I miss Cayden so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.