Sunday, October 16, 2011


Too much time has gone by since I wrote on here... I apologize.
My life has been a total hectic mess for the past 2 months. There has been so many nights I have wanted to sit down and write on here, but couldn't find the energy or the words to due so.
To be honest with you...I am a mess. A walking, crying, emotional mess. That pretty much sums me up these days.
I had to have knee surgery this past has been a really tough recovery. I can't even walk at all :( I find myself feeling depressed. I think it is the fact that I have so much time to sit and think.
Our dog Zayah also had surgery about 3 weeks ago and of course why not add some problems with friends into the mix too.
Yup...on top of losing our son and facing everyday things, I have lost some friends too. Some friends that I have realized were never my friends to begin with.
I am note sure if I am at a different stage in my grief again, but I cry at the drop of a dime and find it hard to stop.
Just the thought of Cayden brings tears to my eyes and I lose it.
I had family in town last month, one right after the other and I missed writing on here for Cayden's monthly, heavenly birthday for the first time since he left us...
it killed me when I realized it....I felt so much guilt. I felt like my life had gotten too busy to stop and allow my monthly writing for him. But I eventually got over it and realized that it is ok and even though I didn't write on his blog, doesn't mean that a single day went by that I wasn't thinking of my sweet boy.

Before losing Cayden, I was pretty organized and stayed on top of almost everything. I was able to bring the kids to school, sports, keep the house clean, make dinner, and even other things in between all of that.
But these days...I can't do any of the above. I forget everything. I Lose everything. My house is a wreck. And I am a mess. Sometimes I wonder if losing Cayden, changed me. If somewhere along the way, I lost who I was.

I find it hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since I lost my baby boy. And in that time, I have continued to be hurt by so many people. Just the other day I was told that I was lucky that I knew ahead of time to make it easier...hmmm, ok.
I have also been told that since I am still posting things on facebook about Cayden, that maybe I need to get some counseling again. Here's another good one....I am lucky that Cayden died after 3 days cause I should imagine being a mother who loses her baby to SIDS at 8 months. Every time I hear things like this, I just don't understand and I don't think I ever will. I am a mom who lost her son. Nothing about that is easy, nothing could have made it easier and in the end I still long for him like every other mom that loses their child. My boy was special and amazing and meant so much to me..I will talk about him forever...until we are together again.

Yesterday, I shed many tears throughout the day thinking of Cayden and all my other blm's and their babies. I lit my candle at 7pm and cried some more. I told you...I am an emotional wreck.
One thing that has kept me going these past 20 months is reading all the other blogs I follow and writing on Cayden's blog... so I would like to apologize for allowing so much time to pass without writing. I think of you all daily and know that you understand how I feel <3