Sunday, January 30, 2011

A much needed prayer

Please say a prayer for Carter. We spent the night in the ER last night. He was diagnosed with RSV on Thursday and got worse. He now has a pneumonia. He is so sick and I feel so helpless. This is my first experience with him being sick since we lost Cayden and it has been so scary. After losing a child, it is so different when your baby gets a sickness this severe. My Lexy said yesterday before we left for the hospital..."Mama, I hope he doesn't die." It broke my heart. Most kids her age wouldn't say that, but after losing Cayden, death is an a normal conversation in my house. I just ask everyone to please say a prayer for my little boy that desperately needs it. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks in advance.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Praying for a brighter tomorrow

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you honestly do not know how much more you can handle? Well, I am at that point right now. (this is going to be a long one!)

My family has had a pretty bad start to the new year. My oldest son Anthony was beat up in school a few weeks ago. Being a mother, this was such a horrible phone call to get. I was so upset and angry, I had to have Ryan drive me to the school because I couldn't drive myself. My son was flipped out of his chair backwards in the lunchroom (and could have been paralyzed) and then punched in the head numerous times. We have decided to press charges on the other child, but with that comes alot of stress at a very hard time( Cayden's angelversary is right around the corner). note to all ----> this is the other child's 6th fight of the year and he had already threatened Anthony in October to punch him in the face and break his nose.
I felt that if the school doesn't want to put a stop to this child's behavior than somebody has to.

The very next day we were on our way to the police department to pick up the police report, when we hit some black ice, went sliding off the road, hitting a sign (which caused lots of damage to Ryan's truck) and ending up buried in a foot of snow with a very large tree inches from my window. Now at that point, I was feeling so many emotions again cause I had realized that thankfully, everyone is safe.... very shaken up, but the keyword is safe. Our truck is smashed, but I know that it can fixed. I also know that God was watching over us at that moment because the very large tree inches from my window could have killed us all.

So, a week has gone by and I am trying so hard to hold myself together for my children. I keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Well, this past Sunday we decide to take the kids sledding in the afternoon before the football game starts. Ryan, Carter, and myself are at the bottom of the very big hill in our neighborhood watching Ant and Lexy have too much fun when suddenly we see Ant's sled go flying over the bank and hit a tree. I scream to him, "we are coming, are you ok?"and he sits up and screams "help". Wow, another one of those moments where I felt like I was going to be sick. Ryan and I both took off running up the big hill, Ant was sitting there saying he couldn't feel his arms and he had blacked out. We went back to the car, dropped off Ryan and the other kiddos at home and Ant and I headed to the ER. They checked him out and said he had a mild concussion and to keep a close eye on him for a few days. Wow, another moment when I know, God must have been watching over us.

With all that being said, I woke up Monday morning so sick. I have no voice whatsoever and feel like I am swallowing glass when I swallow. We have court tomorrow and I have no idea how I am going to talk with no voice. I am so exhausted. In 10 days it will be one year since Cayden left us to go to Heaven. I miss my baby boy so much! My hands long to hold him, my lips long to kiss him, and this emptiness in my life longs to be filled by him. I know life has continued for everyone around us, but my life will forever be incomplete. No matter what smile I have upon my face or laughter that slips out from time to time, deep inside..... my heart is broken and can never be be healed.
I feel like I have this need to go above and beyond to protect my children since losing Cayden. It has always been there, but it is now so much stronger! I think I was so blind to things before losing Cayden.
Tomorrow, I will forgot about my sickness and be Anthony's strongest voice in that courtroom.
I tried my hardest to protect Cayden for the 35 weeks I carried him and I tried to give him everything I could during his short time with us. I can only hope that he knows how much I love him and will never let him be forgotten.
I will continue to do everything it takes to protect his brothers and sister that are still here with me now. My children are my everything..... The reason I go on....I love my 4 children with everything in me....
if only my love could have saved Cayden.

I am praying for a brighter tomorrow.

Mama wishes you were here Cayden, I love you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

40 years with a broken heart...

When I had just found out about Cayden having anencephaly, I was google happy. I wanted to know anything and everything about anencephaly. So, I signed up on google to receive an email anytime anything new showed up on the internet that had to do with anencepahly( I am so glad that I signed up for this because I have found so many blogs of Mommy's who have also lost their baby to anencephaly from doing this). So, as I was checking my email this morning, I saw that google had emailed me a newspaper article about a father who lost his son almost 40 years ago to anencephaly. I clicked on the link to the article:
and as I read it, I sat at my computer crying so hard, barely able to read the article through my tears. It was so sad and such a reminder that the pain NEVER gets easier. It kills me inside to think about how fast this past year has gone by....and to think that I have to live the next 40 years without Cayden just like this father has lived without his son. It also amazes me what a small world we live in. The man who wrote this article lives in Palm harbor, Fl, the town where my Mom currently lives and I lived half of my life.
I think about how I didn't have any idea what anencephaly was when I was told that my baby had it, but now it breaks my heart to pieces to know how many babies have died from it and to think about how many moms are at home with a broken heart like mine because this condition took their baby from them......or to think about how many moms terminate their pregnancy because they find out their baby has anencephaly( just like this father talked about in his letter to his son). I would give anything right now to hold Cayden again and to tell him how much I love him...
40 years with a broken heart is a long time......
Mama loves you baby boy

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Not sure what it will take to get me through it

I have been wanting to write all week, but have not been able to. We have had the worst start to the new year. I have been trying so hard to prepare myself for the boys birthday (that is only 3 weeks away now) and for some reason bad things keep happening to my family and I truly don't know how much more I can handle.

I am not sure if this past year has finally caught up with me. I just keep thinking about how quick this past year has gone by that I have had to live without Cayden.... and it is breaking my heart.
I think I have tried so hard to be so strong through all this. I kept my pain to myself and tried to help my kids get through it all without showing them how much I was hurting. It is a Moms instinct to protect her kids, regardless of the situation. So I always waited until I was alone to fall apart. Don't get me wrong, my kids have seen my cry for Cayden and they know how much I wish he was here with us, but they have not seen me fall apart after they are asleep at night. This whole journey has been so painful, but right now I feel a pain that I can't describe, almost like the day he passed away.

I remember a year ago this month, I was still pregnant and feeling both of my boys do somersaults in my tummy. I was so anxious to meet them both and so scared of the unknown. I look back and wish Cayden was still alive and still full of life inside me. To think of celebrating Carter's birthday without him seems so unfair and so wrong. How can such a happy day be so heartbreaking at the same time? How do you get through it knowing that Cayden should be here too? I am just dreading the day and wish I felt different. I wish I could pull myself together and just get through it, but the truth is, I don't want to. I close my eyes and can picture them both here together, the way it should be. Ripping open gifts, eating their first cake and smashing it to bits( Daddy's favorite part) but when I open my eyes, my reality hits and Cayden is not with hurts.

I have one more thing I want to share that really touched my heart today.
I was up early this morning before any of the kids and I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee when I heard a noise down the hall. I went to see which of the kids was up. I realized after walking past Lexy's room that she was talking in her sleep so I stopped and listened. She said, Yeah! then there was a pause and a huge smile appeared on her face and then she mumbled something. I laughed and walked away. She woke up about 10 minutes later and came out of her room and said " Mama, I just had the best dream." I said "you did? what was it about?" she said "Cayden, he came back! The angels brought him to me!" Well to say that it tore me to pieces is putting it lightly.

The kids miss him so much, it kills me. I wish I could change things. I wish I could make Lexy's dream come true. I just try to keep his memory alive and hope I am doing everything a mother can do to help them get through this.
I am praying for a whole lot of strength to get me through these next couple of weeks.

Mama loves you Cayden!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Happy 11 month Birthday Cayden!

Wow, It feels like just yesterday I was writing for the 10 month birthday. Today was a good day. The counselor came to talk to the kids. We made collages with sayings that reminded us of Cayden. It felt so good doing this. The kids loved doing it too. It really helps them to get out those feelings that they keep locked up inside (especially Anthony).

We also talked about how the one year birthday and angelversary are right around the corner. We decided together as a family that on February 4th we will celebrate Carter and Cayden's birthday with 2 cakes and Ant suggested releasing one balloon that says Happy Birthday Cayden on it. Then on February 6th we will go to the beach and write his name in the sand and release balloons from each of us with a note on them. It is going to be the hardest day, I can already feel it.
I asked the counselor if it is wrong that I don't want to have a big party for Carter? I feel so guilty. But this is going to be such a hard time with happiness and sadness all at once. I don't feel like putting on a big fake smile for everyone when I am going to be hurting so bad on the inside. This has been such a hard road, it still amazes me how fast the time is going by. It feels like I was just at the hospital with my two precious baby boys in my arms. I wonder if he can hear me when I talk to him? If he knows how much we miss him? Carter got really fussy today while the counselor was here and she said, "I bet you that he knows what we are doing.... Twins are connected. It made my heart happy, but sad too. I just wish Cayden could have lived and was still here with us. I would love to see how crazy my life would be. I would love every minute of it! I have to trust in God's plan. I know we will be together again someday in heaven. Until then, I will continue to miss him more everyday and remember the feel of his soft skin.

Happy 11 month birthday baby boy! Your Mama loves you so much.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 will forever be in my heart

Hello 2011, good-bye 2010.
I was not ready to say that at all. Last night was harder for me than I thought it would be. It was a big step closer to the 1 year anniversary of the day Cayden was born and left us. It also felt like I was one big step farther away from Cayden.
Although it probably seems like 2010 was the worst year of my life, it wasn't. It was by far the best, but hardest year of my life. I wish I could go back to February 4th 2010. I am so thankful for Cayden. Thankful, that I was chosen to carry him and be his Mom. I never in a million years thought I would have twins to begin with, but to have them and then have to say goodbye to one of them forever seems unimaginable. We have been through so much this past year. It was such happiness and pain all in one. Ryan and I have grown closer as husband and wife and as a family. We have all become stronger through this journey. I have laughed and cried as I tried to get used to my new life.
It was hard getting through the holidays without Cayden here with us, but my heart just ached for him last night. It was like we were turning another chapter in our book. I have faith that in the new year, I will find strength to get through everyday that I have to live without my baby boy. It just seems so unfair.

So, as I say goodbye to 2010, I leave a part of me behind with it and pray for a year filled with love, hope, peace and strength in 2011.

I love you so much Cayden.