Thursday, December 9, 2010

Happy belated 10 month birthday Cayden

Well, I just realized that I didn't write on here to wish Cayden a happy 10 month birthday, so I will do so now. On Saturday, Dec 4th, we had driven over an our away to cut our own Christmas tree. We talked on the drive up about it being 10 months already and how we wished Cayden were here with us. We didn't arrive back home until after dark and I guess the evening got the best of me.

I am still shocked that Christmas is only a few weeks away. One second I feel so excited about it and the next, I feel motivation to do nothing. My grief feels like it is taking over at times, I don't even want to shop at all this year. I have never been like this. Ryan said to me the other day, " what has gotten into you, you haven't even hung the stockings?" I think the truth is that I don't want to! I am not ready to do this without him.

I know no matter how much time we get with our baby, it will never be enough. 1 hour, 1 day, 1 the end, we will always want more. I wish I could go back in time and hold him just once more and kiss him just once more. I miss him so much.

The new counselor came this week to talk to the kids. We were all talking on the couch. She looked at me and said, "Mom, you are so strong." but what she doesn't know is that it is almost a state of numbness when I talk about it. I feel like I go to a different place. I am a Mom that has put on this suit of armor for other people... but on the inside is the real me who falls apart at random times of the day when nobody is here to see it. The visit went well. The kids really liked her and it really helped that she could relate. She told us that she had lost 2 sons, one passed away at birth to a heart defect. She brought a project to do with the kids because we were unable to make it to her pre-Christmas preparation after loss workshop. She is going to come back in 2 weeks for another visit with them before Christmas. I think it really helped them to talk about Cayden to someone besides us. Anthony even opened up to her a little.
I pray for both of my children's hearts as we approach this first holiday without their brother.

I miss you and love you Cayden.


  1. So sorry for your loss. This has been a hard time for me too. Usually I am all in the Christmas spirit but this year I can't seem to find it. All the Christmas decorations are still in boxes waiting for me to hang them up.

  2. So true! I completely understand about having to put armor on. I think that's why everyone thinks we are so "strong!" Because we don't let anyone see the real pain and tears. Hang in there!