Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Smiling through the pain

Thanksgiving has come and gone... I was unable to write on the blog for the past week due to being in an area that had no Internet. I survived the day better than I thought I would, but I was saddened that Cayden was never brought up by any of my family. I spoke to Ant and Lexy about being thankful that he was part of our family and how he was looking down on us and with us in our hearts. I really didn't know how to be around everyone. I was so sad that he wasn't here with us, but didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so I kept it to myself. I feel kind of relieved that we will be home for Christmas where we can all cry together. I don't expect people to feel like I do, obviously it is going to affect me the most since I was his mother, but I think it hurt more not speaking his name then if someone would have.

I was finally able to get in touch with a grief counselor in the area. She is coming out to our house next week. I think that I pushed it to the side for too long and we all need it so much! The kids are affected so much more than they show. Anthony shuts you out and doesn't like to talk about it ( this is his way of dealing with it) and Lexy talks about Cayden non-stop and draws him about 20 pictures and letters a day. In almost every picture she draws, she is holding Cayden. I think that is because she always says she regrets that she didn't hold him while he was alive. It is amazing the love that she has for him!

I know that I am getting off track a little, but I must say that everywhere I go or everyone I talk to...... twins! I try to swallow hard and smile, but it gets hard sometimes. It hurts! It feels unfair! I want to know what that would be like, but I never will. I want Carter to be growing up with his brother. I think sometimes that people think I should be better now, but I will NEVER be better! I will be reminded for the rest of Carters life, every milestone Cayden WON'T be here for....birthdays, first day of kindergarten, graduation, etc.. I know some days will come easier than others, but I will always be a mother who lost a son. I will never see Cayden learn to walk or talk, go to college, or get married. My dreams for him were taken away from me. That hurts! I have come to realize that the only people who truly understand are the other Moms who have lost a child too. I am learning to live the life of a grieving mother. Trust me it's not fun. The smile that most see on my face everyday isn't real, but I do whatever it takes for my other children. I have been asked quite a few times if I have stopped trying to be someone else and allowed myself time? I don't think I have. I am scared to let that happen. I take time each night to cry for Cayden after everyone is asleep. I hope that is enough, I can't let myself go, I have so many people to be strong for. I just wish that he was here with us now..during the holidays when things are supposed to be joyous! Mama misses and loves you Cayden!

1 comment:

  1. Chistina I am so very sorry for you being sad on Thanksgiving! I feel so terrible. You mean so much to me, and I would never hurt your feelings on purpose. I think me being quiet about Cayden was me not forgetting about him I just didnt want to upset you! Not that talking about him is wrong its just in my mind I am thinking what do I do to to keep your mind accupied so you have a good day, I guess I should have thought that talking about him is not a bad thing. No one will ever know how it feels to walk in your shoes, I wish I could take your pain I really truly mean that 100%. As kids it was you and me.My heartbreaks for you. I have been able to tell the past week you have had some sadness in your voice and Im sorry for not making sure you are ok! I guess from now on now that I know you want to talk (when I thought it was better not to bring it up) WE WILL!! We should have had a prayer for him! I love Carter so much I just see how much you love him and how you look at him like he is your world, he is very luck to have you as well as Ant and Lex. AND RYAN!! IM SORRY!!! I will cry with you when ever you need to, please dont feel like your grieving is a bad thing to us, ME, Randy,Hannah,Tucker will cry with you and support you forever!!!!! Cayden Ryan your Aunt Jenny misses you and loves you so much baby boy. I love you all!