so lonely

I was lying in bed tonight when I got this urge to get up and write on here. I just felt so empty inside and lonely! My heart is aching and I am yearning to hold my sweet baby boy. I have relived every second of Caydens life over and over in my head and it hurts a little more each time. I would give anything to be sitting in the hospital holding both of my boys again and to have his finger wrapped around mine. It just seems so unfair. It really sucks because life has gone on for everyone else, but not for me. I put on this happy face for everyone, but I am screaming on the inside! I remember being pregnant and how amazing it was to feel the both of them everyday. I miss that feeling! Everywhere I go someone talks to me about twins. I feel like I am being haunted by it. It makes me not want to leave my house, but the reality of it, is that I have a family that needs me to be strong and everyday, I get up and do the best I possibly can for them. I think Cayden would want me to do that. I really want to be happy and I try, but some days it is harder than others. Somedays I try to avoid anything that reminds me that Cayden is gone cause it hurts too much, but then other days I cling to every memory cause I don't ever want to forget how perfect he was to me. When I was in the hospital, I tried to hold him all the time because I was so scared that at any minute he was going to leave me and I wanted him to know that he was safe in his Mommys arms when it was his time to go.
I had twins, although it was only for a short time, I will always be the mother of twins. I miss him so much. I am going to go to bed and hold Cater close to me now.