Wednesday, September 1, 2010

so lonely

I was lying in bed tonight when I got this urge to get up and write on here. I just felt so empty inside and lonely! My heart is aching and I am yearning to hold my sweet baby boy. I have relived every second of Caydens life over and over in my head and it hurts a little more each time. I would give anything to be sitting in the hospital holding both of my boys again and to have his finger wrapped around mine. It just seems so unfair. It really sucks because life has gone on for everyone else, but not for me. I put on this happy face for everyone, but I am screaming on the inside! I remember being pregnant and how amazing it was to feel the both of them everyday. I miss that feeling! Everywhere I go someone talks to me about twins. I feel like I am being haunted by it. It makes me not want to leave my house, but the reality of it, is that I have a family that needs me to be strong and everyday, I get up and do the best I possibly can for them. I think Cayden would want me to do that. I really want to be happy and I try, but some days it is harder than others. Somedays I try to avoid anything that reminds me that Cayden is gone cause it hurts too much, but then other days I cling to every memory cause I don't ever want to forget how perfect he was to me. When I was in the hospital, I tried to hold him all the time because I was so scared that at any minute he was going to leave me and I wanted him to know that he was safe in his Mommys arms when it was his time to go.
I had twins, although it was only for a short time, I will always be the mother of twins. I miss him so much. I am going to go to bed and hold Cater close to me now.

1 comment:

  1. thanks for contacting me...I find such comfort in hearing from a mom who truly knows the pain that comes with losing a baby to anencephaly. I smiled when you said you got 3 days with him cause I so hope & pray for that long. Sad huh, when 3 days sounds like a long time? He must have been so strong to be a twin (I'm assuming he was little??), to have anencephaly and stay here that long. I bet he didn't want to leave your arms either. I am scared for the nights you talk about. I know they are coming, and I'm not sure they will ever go away this side of heaven. I also get the frustration over what people assume to know about how it feels...and wanting to hide inside. Don't feel guilty about your feelings. They are real, it hurts- and that's ok. I will be praying for your healing process, knowing that God is with you.
    is you have any pics you'd like to share, I would love to see your beautiful boys! (and of course, the other kids)
    Stacy (