Thursday, May 19, 2011

A Few Simple Words

As I sit here tonight, I am sad.

Cayden is not here with me and
my life is not the same without him...
I miss him more then I could ever possibly put into words on this blog.

I feel sad for all the new moms that I have come to know who are pregnant with a baby who is not going to live long or who have already lost their precious child.

Lately I have been hearing heartbreaking stories all the time on the news about a mom who has killed her child/children.
I always think....Life is too short already.
Who are we to chose when our child should die?
I find it hard to hear these things without falling apart,
it breaks my heart.

I heard from a mom today who is 17 weeks pregnant with a baby with anencephaly. My heart was so sad for her, but I smiled when I read that she chose to carry her baby to term. It seems like I don't hear that very often. I look back now and honestly can't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was hard and some days I felt like I couldn't go on, but I did and the 3 days I had with Cayden mean the world to me. I am honored to have been the mom to such a strong willed, little fighter.

I still struggle now with trying to live a normal life after losing Cayden. People are always saying something that seems to upset me. I feel like I can never put my guard down. I can't tell you how many times I wish that I'd had a copy with me of the: what friends and family can do page I have listed on my blog.
Most of the time I hold it in and then come home upset and vent to Ryan. I think that I have come to realize that people just don't understand unless they have been through it, which I don't wish on anyone. But I also have to protect my heart too, so I have been hanging out and doing lots of bonding with Carter these days ;-)

I remember quite a few years back...
I think I only had Anthony at the time and my cousin had a baby.
I got the call from someone in my family that her baby was stillborn.
I cried for her and remember thinking how terrible it must have been.
Someone had told me that she kept the baby in the room with her for over a day and that she bathed her and dressed her and took pictures of her before the funeral home came and got her.
Many people in my family were disgusted by it and said how morbid it was. I admit, that I agreed with them.
Now that I have been through a similar experience, I can't believe I ever thought that way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure my family and friends said things about me and Cayden too. They don't understand and they never will.
What may seem morbid and gross to other people, was the only memories I have with my baby. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks and loved him with everything in me...just as my cousin did.
After all these years have gone by, I feel the need to tell her what an amazing mom she is and how sorry I am about her little girl.

It is so easy to judge being an outsider....
but losing a child is something that doesn't ever go away and the grief can be hard to live with...
so please think a little and try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge or before you try to say something you think may sound right.
A mom who has lost a child has a heavy heart and is longing for her child she lost and sometimes the weight of everyone around her can make life seem unbearable....
Reach out and tell her that you are there and that you love her...
A few simple words can mean a lot.

I miss you and love you Cayden.


  1. No, you really can't understand until you have been there. I think it would be good for you to talk to your cousin. Im sure people thought I was off my rocker for holding Carleigh thru her visitations and service.

  2. ((Hugs))
    You are so right, our babies are worth it all; the tears, the heartbreak and the blessings.

  3. Very well said Chrissy! I too, think you should talk with your cousin... I think it will certainly let you get it off of your chest, but more importantly it will mean the world to her! Thinking of you!

  4. I remember thinking the same thing about people who kept their babies with them for the night... and then Rachel died and it was never NOT an option. I said "well, she's going to be somewhere, might as well be with me" and I slept with her for the night. I wouldn't trade that night for anything, except her being alive through it. love you. ♥