Friday, August 12, 2011

The first step to understanding

I think I have told everyone about Cayden's memorial table in our living room. It has his urn on it, fresh flowers, my favorite picture of him, a digital picture frame with all of our pictures with him, a picture of all 4 of the kids, my angel candle and my twin willow tree figures.

Well, Carter is at that busy age where he gets into everything and I knew it was going to happen eventually....yesterday, he pushed a step stool up to the table and was pointing at everything yelling "Mom." I rushed over to the table and leaned down to him, I told him that it was Cayden's table and not to touch...just look. He wanted the picture of Cayden really bad so I handed it to him...well, he leaned over and kissed the picture... I couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, but so sad. He handed the picture frame back to me and sat on the step stool and watched the digital picture frame for about 2 minutes. He kept pointing and yelling, "Mom." Now, he is doing it everyday. He is so gentle and actually listens when I tell him not to touch. That is amazing to me since he is only 18 months old. I swear it is like he knows. It was also very sad and hard for me cause it is just a reminder that this is how Carter will know Cayden for the rest of his life, when what I would give anything for, would be to have them growing up together.

I also took a picture of Cayden's chest. I know Holly asked me what it looks like awhile back. In the chest is everything of Cayden's and I can not go in the chest without falling apart. It sits in the living room right next to his table.

I came across a poem the other day and it really rings true to how I feel sometimes, so I wanted to share it.

The Mask

I have a face I put in place, It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see, The way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy, darkness, endless nights.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh, but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

The future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by: Dianna J. Brendle

Although, Ryan and my 3 kids that are here with me still bring me so much joy, I still feel this way a lot. I am still hurting so much inside and miss Cayden so much, but I put on my different face for everyone else so that they don't feel uncomfortable around me. I am glad that Carter is getting old enough for me to start talking to him about Cayden, but I wish my little boys were chasing each other around instead. I wish I didn't know the true depth of pain and heartache... I wish more than anything that I was sitting here tonight typing this with Cayden in my arms..

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden <3