Happy 1st Birthday Cayden and Carter!

I will start by saying Happy 1st Birthday Cayden and Carter! I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that it has been a year since I was holding both of my baby boys. In so many ways it feels like just yesterday and then at times it feels like eternity since I saw or got to touch Cayden.

Today has barely begun and it has already been such a hard day for me. I have cried so much. How can I look at Carter and not wish Cayden was here with us to eat his cake and open his presents too...I wish Cayden could be here with us to sing happy birthday to and go watch his big brother play basketball tonight.....
The missing link that makes my family complete feels so present today. It really feels just like I thought it would feel...how can you feel happiness when the pain is so overbearing? How can I celebrate that Carter is one today without feeling the guilt? I know Cayden is celebrating his special day with Jesus, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier for me....my heart is aching.

On a happy note, I would like to say that I feel beyond privileged to have carried Cayden for 35 weeks. I got to know him so well in that time. He was my little monkey, he never stopped moving. The ultrasounds always showed him hogging all the room :0 There was a few where it showed Cayden scratching carter's back too. Just thinking about these times makes my heart smile. We were beyond blessed to have him with us for almost 3 days. They were the best days of our life. This baby boy changed my life forever. I would do this all over again. I can not even put into words how I feel right now.

We have all written our own private little note to Cayden this week. I am going to go buy some balloons and place our note inside them before having them blown up. Then we are going to release them all this evening in hopes that they will reach him in Heaven...
Happy Birthday baby boy, we all love you so much!

I would also like to say thank you so much to everyone for praying for Carter. I didn't think it would be very nice of me if I didn't give an update on how he is doing. He is still sick(if you can believe it) 10 days now! A little bit better, but not much. The antibiotic the Dr put him on, upset his tummy so bad, that he has been pooing at least 10 times a day and his bottom is welted ::sigh:: He is still coughing nonstop and weak. In the meantime, my other kids have gotten sick too ::sigh again:: I must say...I have been praying ALOT.