Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The chest and all the memories it holds

Tonight has been one of the hardest nights I've had in a long time.
It has been heavy on my heart lately, that a year has gone by and I still haven't taken the time to sit down and write a few thank you notes to a few people who went above and beyond during the hardest time of our lives.
So, I had to go into Cayden's chest (where I have everything)to get a few papers out of it with names and address's....
Well, within minutes, I was on my knees smelling all the clothes he wore, and sobbing into his blanket. I just let it all out...I wasn't sure when it would stop either. I normally don't go into the chest(because of this), but I know I should more often.
It just hurts so bad.... I re-lived every second of Cayden's life over and over tonight as I cried....wishing I could have changed what happened.
Why couldn't I keep him?
I miss him so much.
I know I have said this many times, but it just seems so un-real sometimes.
I looked through about 50 ultrasound pictures too and it breaks my heart to think how much time has gone by since they were taken....since I carried him and then held him in my arms.
Ryan and I were so blessed to have had some really special people come into our lives that helped us so much.
For one, our counselor was amazing. Oh, how I miss her so much too. She saw us throughout my pregnancy, she came to the hospital while I was in labor and right after I had the boys. She talked to me on the phone and helped through Cayden's seizures he was having right before he passed away. She will hold a special place in my heart forever.
The 3 nurses who came to our house the night Cayden passed away. We were told that we were going to have to bring him to the nearest hospital to have a Dr state that he had passed. The closest hospital was about 20 minutes away and after Cayden passed away, we were not in the right state of mind to be driving that far.
3 nurses from Albemarle hospice came out to our house at 7 at night to check on Cayden. At that point he was still holding on. They left and said they would be back in the morning, but no sooner then 5 minutes after they left, Cayden passed away. I called them and they came right back. They were able to state the time he passed so that we would not have to go to the hospital. Then they sat with us for hours. They helped with Carter and comforted us through the pain of saying our goodbyes. We were so blessed.
I don't think anything ever hurt so bad as handing Cayden to the lady from the funeral home for the last time and knowing I would never see him again.
I was blessed with Theresa from the funeral home too. She was so kind and gentle. She helped me through so much. Later on, she told me that, after 78 years, Cayden was the first baby they had picked up from a home in the middle of the night.

I came across a letter tonight in the chest that had meant so much when I recieved it a year ago. It was a reminder to me of one of the many lives Cayden touched in his short time. A dear lady that I met through this journey wrote me this letter after meeting Cayden. The letter is too long to write everything in it, but here is a few little pieces;

I think there are some questions that we won't get answers to on this side of Heaven. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you feel in losing Cayden, but I do know this, Cayden was a special little man with a mighty soul. There are few people on this earth who will ever get to experience the presence of someone so special.

While I know the questions in your head and your heart may never be answered, I know that Cayden's life had a purpose and that it touched me beyond explanation.

Carter is just beautiful and as you watch him grow, you will be reminded that you have to know profound sadness to know true happiness. Carter is a gift.

It took every last tear I had to read this letter again that has been tucked away all these months.
I wish it didn't hurt so bad to go through everything. Cause as badly as it hurt, it felt so good to hold his things again and be so close to him. Part of me feels guilty that it is all put away. I have so many different feelings and emotions, it just makes it all harder.
I have run out of words to say because my only thought right now is....
Oh, I miss my baby boy so much.

I love you so much Cayden.


  1. I have the same struggle... although I sleep with Rachel's blanket so I don't cry about that anymore, but my heart does hurt every time I look at it. the stuff I put away, I put in a baggie so it will still smell like her and as much as I want to look at it, I almost never do cause I start crying and can't stop. Don't feel bad that you don't get it out more, there's no right way to grieve such a huge loss. love you, Stacy

  2. Amazing post!!! Hugs! Sometimes there are no words just that thought of love and longing! You know I wrote some thank you's a few years after I lost Andrew... and in a sense I think that they were more heart-felt than had I written them in the moment (and perhaps I did... but it is all such a blur). I think that is a thank you from the heart- that they helped you in ways that stayed...
    I haven't been through Andrew's physical things in quite a while... Perhaps I will need to take some moments again soon!
    Thinking of you!

  3. Maybe one day it will be easier for you to open his chest. What does his chest look like?

    I haven't really been through Carleigh's chest very much since it's been made. I've prolly looked through all of her stuff maybe twice.