Not all here these days

If I have realized one thing lately, it is that my grief has come back with a vengeance.
I had been feeling good most days for some time now. Of course, I have my moments, but I was actually amazed that what everyone had told me, "it gets easier with time," was true.
I thought I had reached a point where I wasn't crying all the time anymore and my days were so busy that I didn't even have time to think.
But lately my heart is heavy...
I cry at the drop of a dime.
I spent ALOT of time reliving in my mind what happened.
I think of things I could have done differently.
I think about all of the what ifs....
I feel on edge and snappy and frustrated.
I often try to imagine what my life would be like if Cayden was here.
I cry for friendships that I have lost through this, but I am so grateful that I learned who is meant to be in my life right now.
In a few weeks it will be 18 months since my boys were born and Cayden left us to go to a better place...
I can barely swallow right now when I think back on the past 18 months.
I hate that when I see a woman pregnant with twins or that has twins...I feel emotions that I can't control. I should be happy for her, but my emotions are taking over everything.
I cringe when I hear a friend complain about something so little...if they only knew.
From the moment I wake up, while I am in the shower, while I am cooking or driving, I can't help, but think of Cayden and wish he was here with us.
I feel alone in this big, lonely world. Everyone has moved on and honestly most days it seems as if Ryan has too. I try to talk to him ALL the time about it and he just listens and goes about his day....
I always have wanted a big family and lots of kids. I just love babies so much. They melt my heart. I don't mean like the Dugger's or anything. ;) I have always said I want 4 kids and I was blessed with 4 kids, sadly one of them couldn't stay here with me.
Unfortunately, Ryan doesn't want anymore kids after what we have been through. He feels we have been through too much heartache and that he is not strong enough to go through it again. I understand and admire his honesty, so I am ok with this. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am sad about it too.
Watching my baby suffer and have seizures nonstop for an hour before slowly leaving this Earth, was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. Of course I wouldn't ever want to go through it again, but I would if I was faced with it and it meant, time with my baby.
I feel like I am all over the place with this post..it kind of goes with how I have been everyday.
I am losing stuff nonstop ( I lost my car keys the other day and looked everywhere for days but could not find them. I was using my spare key and ended up losing that too!) Seriously...what is wrong with me?
I can't keep my thoughts together either.
I feel out of sorts.
My house is a mess (which normally I am good at staying on top of)
and in the end....it all comes down to one thing.
I want my Cayden back.
Without him, I am incomplete.

I love you sweet boy.