Monday, July 4, 2011

17 months

It has been 17 months today.
Another month without Cayden in my arms.
But yet another day closer until I will see him again.
My life is full of happiness and I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet, it is never enough.
I will always be incomplete without my baby boy.
Everything I say and do, always brings me right to him.

I want to write on here so much more than I do these days, but I hate that it seems like I am always saying the same thing over. I am a mama who lost her son 17 months ago. I have a broken heart that can never be completely healed. I am happy, but there is always tears behind every smile. I long to hold Cayden in my arms and kiss him one more time.

I hate that every night I go to bed thinking of his face instead of kissing it goodnight.

I am sometimes amazed that I am still hurt by what others say 17 months later..
Carter is pretty crazy these days. He has me going non-stop.
A friend of mine says the other day, "whew, can you imagine if you had two of thank you!"
She was pretty much saying thank God Cayden didn't live because my life would be even harder.
I wanted to tell her...I would give anything to have two of him. I would do anything to not have had my son die...I still haven't figured out why people say such stupid things.

We had a fun night tonight at the beach watching fireworks, but of course as Carter played in the sand and laughed, I was thinking of Cayden..wishing he was right next to his brother playing too. That is nothing new though..I always wish Cayden was here to grow up side by side with Carter.

It is hard to believe that 17 months ago, I had 2 baby boys in my arms.... I miss Cayden so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.

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