Monday, April 4, 2011

14 Months today

Cayden would have been 14 months old today.
I don't know when I will stop posting monthly birthdays.
Every month when the 4th rolls around, it makes me stop. Take a deep breath and think....
How can another month have gone by?
How have I made it this far?
Oh, how I miss him so....
I would give anything to hold him again, to kiss him again, and just tell him I love him one more time.
I am wondering when that, "it gets easier with time" starts?
Because right now, I am sitting here barely able to see my computer screen through the tears.
I could cry any day at the drop of a time just thinking of Cayden or remembering something about him.
I am still clinging to every memory we had.

I went out tonight to a spouses club meeting on base. I laughed quite a bit and had a really good time, but then when I got home, I felt guilty.
Maybe because there was a time when I never thought that would happen again...
When I thought my life couldn't go on.
My heart was broken beyond fixing.
It still feels that way, but my days stay very busy with 3 kids and a to do list a mile long everyday.

14 months sounds like such a long time when I say it, but it's strange how it seems like yesterday I got the heartbreaking news about Cayden and then it feels like eternity since I held my baby boy in my arms.
What a journey this has been.
The ups and downs. The smiles and the tears.
Greif has no instructions, so I just get by day to day. Some days are good and some days are bad.

I spoke to a friend the other day, she was with me alot throughout my pregnancy and after losing Cayden and since then we have moved away from each other.
She told me that she had a new friend who's baby was recently diagnosed with anencephaly. The woman immediately knew she was going to terminate. Her husband did not want her to, but she knew that was what she was doing. My friend tried to talk her out of it and told her my story and tried to tell her that through her faith it would all be ok. I was so sad when my friend told me that she went through with it and terminated the pregnancy. I don't judge her, but my heart was so sad that she didn't see the blessing in her baby's life. I hate hearing stories like this...

If I could change what happened, I would. I would give anything to have Cayden here with us to stay, but I can't. So I try to live my life through his memories and share his story and hope that it helps someone else. His life had so much meaning. He touched the lives of so many people in such a short amount of time. He was so amazing. I am so proud to be his Mom.
14 months later and through all the pain and heartache, I would rewind the time if I could and go through it all over again.. just for one more moment with him.

I miss you and love you Cayden Ryan.

1 comment:

  1. Just look back and see how far youve come in your grief. It's a slow process.

    It makes my heart sad for you friend's friend. She missed a beautiful blessing.