Happy 13 months!

I woke up this morning thinking, "Wow! my boys are 13 months today!"
I wonder all the time what life would be like if Cayden was still with us.

Carter has always been such a hard baby. He had alot of issues when he was first born. After losing Cayden, I wondered how I was going to make it through each day, all while I was having to drive an hour away everyday to take Carter to the Dr for weight checks, heel pricks, and the list goes on. He was extremely colic. When he was about 3 weeks old, I took him in for a check and the Dr said, "I think there is something much more serious going on, you need to get in your car and get to CHKD(the children's hospital another 45 minutes away from the Dr office) immediately. We are sending a request for an immediate upper GI to be performed."
My heart sank as I called Ryan to tell him to pack up the kids and meet me an hour and half away cause the Drs think something is wrong with Carter. It was a horrible thing to hear after just losing your other baby. After a long few hours, the Dr said that it was a severe case of reflux that was causing major discomfort :-(
As the months went on, it never got easier. Carter remained the fussiest baby. He was always uncomfortable and cried ALOT. Part of me wondered if Carter just needed Cayden, his partner who was supposed to be with him through everything...
Well, to this day, Carter is still my little cry baby.
He was sitting on the kitchen floor today crying for no reason.
I looked at Ryan and said, "do you ever wonder what Cayden would be like? Do you think he would be the easy going one?"
That is one of the hardest parts of this journey...the unknown....the what ifs?
I know I will never know, but it's impossible not to wonder.

I try not to post many pictures of Carter on this blog because it is Cayden's blog. But today I decided that Carter is so much a part of Cayden. Cayden will live on forever in him, so I decided to post a recent picture of my fussy little baby boy :-)


I know in this picture he makes me out to be a liar :o



As each day goes on, I miss Cayden more and more.
I know this is just the beginning too.
I know one day in the near future, I will have to tell Carter all about his twin brother that is now in Heaven watching over us...
I know it will be so hard and hurt so bad.
Our journey has just begun.
My heart is so heavy tonight as I think of Cayden and miss him so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.