Friday, August 5, 2011

Happy Heavenly 18 months birthday

Yesterday was 18 months since I gave birth to 2 of the most amazing boys and tomorrow will be 18 months since Cayden passed away. I normally try to post a happy monthly birthday to my little angel in heaven, but I laid in bed last night feeling guilty for not doing so. I was exhausted. Carter had his 18 month checkup and shots and it was a long day.

I thought of Cayden so much yesterday throughout the day. As I sat in the room at the Dr office, I wished Cayden could be there too. My heart was heavy. I thought back to the day the boys were born while I was driving and I just cried. It feels good to cry for Cayden. I miss him so much.

I came across a little note that I wanted to share;

When we lose our child that we love so much, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a sadness, A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why they left this earth so soon, or why they left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that they died, but that they lived. And that their life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in Heaven, where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly and he would not live long, I couldn't imagine how my life would go on after losing my child. Now here I am 18 months later. I miss my little boy with everything in me, but through all of my pain and heartache, I truly feel blessed. I was chosen to carry 2 boys and it was the most amazing experience. Now, I carry one of my boys in my arms and his twin brother, I carry in my heart.

Carter is an amazing little soul who I love to watch grow everyday. I see so much of Cayden when I look at him. He has the biggest heart ever and loves his family so much. He would give us kisses all day if he could. It has been such a hard journey trying to divide the happiness and sadness as we have watched him grow. We love him so much, but feel so incomplete without Cayden. I am certain that this will always be how it is...

Happy Heavenly 18 months Birthday Cayden... Mama misses you and loves you so much xoxo

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