Monday, July 11, 2011

I feel broken

I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.

I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.

I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.

Well news flash...

I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
It sucks.
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.

All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.

No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.

I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.

As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know feels unbearable.

I miss you and love you so much baby boy.


  1. So Hard - sweet momma! I often wonder too how people who know our stories of loss can be so insensitive to how difficult certain subjects can be. You just want to crawl in a hole and disappear. For me - it's baby girls born around the time Karinne was. For the most part, I wish I didn't ever have to see any. It's really hard. People are just so naive and insensitive about the triggers that we have as baby loss moms. HUGS!!

  2. Big hugs to you! Check your inbox on facebook! :)

  3. I have a theory... I mean, besides the fact that people don't know how to just be quiet... It's almost like when a subject is hard, people get a nervous talk. Kind of like a nervous laugh... the kind you want to stop, but can't for some unknown reason - even though you know it's innappropriate.

    I don't hear about twins, but it seems that everyone who talks to me feels they need to tell me asap about the new baby that their friend, coworker, niece, daughter or whoever is having. Everyone wants to talk to me about babies... becuase they know I love babies and appreciate them. You love twins in a way that someone who doesn't have twins could never fully understand. You're not just grieving your son, but your twins. And as much as you love Carter, he is the reminder of where Cayden would be. It has to be difficult! I have a hard time being around another baby that would be RAchel's age... or thinking about the fact that this new baby will be a year behind Rachel.

    Not sure why your "friend" would need to point out that you will need to deal with twins your whole life, that's obvious. We can't hide in a bubble... seems she's not very concerned with your feelings. People have a hard time understanding us because they think they know what they would do and it would be different for sure if it were them. It is called ignorance mixed with pride.

    I know it's easier said than done...but just keep remembering that NONE of these people are going to bring you the comfort you need. Only God can. Cling to Him and know He is enough. He has not left you... I'm so sorry your heart hurts and that you don't feel supported. This journey is so long and lonely. I'm hear if you need to, email me. ♥ me