I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.
I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.
I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.
Well news flash...
I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.
All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.
No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.
I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and bonding...it doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.
As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know why...it feels unbearable.
I miss you and love you so much baby boy.