Wednesday, May 4, 2011

15 months

Cayden would have been 15 months today...yet another month has passed me by.
I still miss him him as much as I did the night he left us.
I love thinking back to the time we had together.
I remember being pregnant and being so scared of the unknown.
I was scared of what he was going to look like and how Ryan and I were going to handle everything. I was so scared of everything actually.
But looking back now, I had nothing to be scared of and I wish I could tell all Moms in this situation that it is normal to fear the unknown, but trust in your heart that no matter what, you are going to love your baby with everything in you no matter what he/she looks like.
When the nurse handed Cayden to me, I thought... he is so beautiful, what was I scared of?? And once we put his little hat on, he looked like nothing was wrong, it actually hurt more because every other part of him was absolutely perfect.
I was going to try not to get all emotional tonight, but I can't promise anything these days.

I am really feeling like the second year has been just as hard, if not harder than the first year. I know we are only 3 months into the second year without Cayden, but it feels more real.
The first year was so overwhelming. I was so devastated by losing Cayden and still trying to care for a newborn and 2 other kids plus we had a huge move.
I was seriously floating along day to day.
I feel more stable now, but not having him feels so permanent.
The memories we made with Cayden, seem so far away...some days I feel like I am literally grasping to what little bit I have left of him. I hate that feeling.

Then there are days when I get an email from another mom who found my blog and needs support and it just reminds me that he is not slipping away...he is ALWAYS right there.

A few days ago, I was giving Carter a bath when Lexy came running inside from playing and hands me a pile of mail and says" Mom, there is even a package today!"
Who isn't excited to get a package? ;-)
When I saw the return label said My Forever Child, I was so excited!
My first piece of jewelry in remembrance of Cayden had arrived and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I got my my bracelet that I won on Holly's blog (Caring for Carleigh). It has Cayden's footprints engraved on it and it says his name and birth date. I have worn it everyday since I got it. I can't thank Holly enough. She truly made my heart smile when it really needed it! I feel like a part of him is with me everyday now.
( I highly recommend going to and seeing all the beautiful stuff they have to remember your child.)

No matter if 1 month, 15 months, or 5 years have gone by, I will always miss Cayden.
I will be watching Carter do something new, wondering if Cayden would be doing the same thing. No matter how much time has gone by, the hole in my heart will never be filled.
15 months later and I am still trying to figure out how to live without him. I can handle alot of things in life, but losing my child and all the dreams we had for him has been a very difficult thing to handle. Our little boy couldn't be more loved, I just pray that he feels and knows the love we had and still have for him.

I miss you so so much Cayden.

1 comment:

  1. I've heard that about the 2nd year too - it's scary to me that it can get harder than THIS. But a friend of mine said of losing her sister that the 2nd year it starts to feel more permanent. The first year you spend your time preparing for all the firsts and then the 2nd year you realize you have many more to get through. The really hard part is that people who haven't experienced such a loss, think you *should* be better by then and so it can feel lonely. Thinking of you and Cayden always ♥