Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 day

I will start by saying thank you to Angie with . She has started a project called: Right Where I am. It is for parents to share where they are at with their grief whether it has been 5 months or 5 years. I think it is such a good idea.

It has been 1 year 4 months and 1 day since Cayden died. My heart is still every bit broken as it was the day he left my arms, but the pain has gotten more bearable. It seems to me like ever since I got Cayden's diagnosis, my life has been on fast forward. I know that it is because my 3 children keep me so busy. Most days it feels like forever since I last saw Cayden, but there are times where it feels like just yesterday.

My days are much easier to get through, but I do still fall apart. My grief is random instead of all the time. It can sneak up on me when I am least expecting it.

I am able to live my life and enjoy every second with Ryan and my 3 other kids. I smile and I laugh. I do normal everyday things. I never thought I would be able to do any of this after I lost him. But I do admit, I feel guilty for being able to do these things.

I do still long to have Cayden in my arms...I cling to every moment and memory... but I don't cry constantly like I used to.

My story is a little different though. After losing one of my babies, I still had a newborn baby to take care of. In some ways, it really helped me and in some ways, it made everything so much harder. Now, as my surviving twin is getting older, I am finding it harder because I envision the two of them together doing everything together. All of Carter's "firsts" were so different because it was a reminder that Cayden wasn't here to do them also. Carter's first birthday was nothing like my two older kids first birthday's because it was such a sad time for me that I found it too hard to celebrate and be happy.

Cayden is so much a part of my everyday. I think of him with everything I do. I do everything to make sure he is not forgotten. His life and death is part of our family. My children talk about him all the time.

I think something that still is so hard for me is hearing the word "twins." I often wonder if it will ever get easier with time? When someone says they have twins or are pregnant with them, it immediately feels like someone is ripping my heart out. I am not sure if I feel this way because they have what we were supposed to...I really don't know. I just know it still hurts really bad. And unfortunately, I hear it ALL the time.

1 year 4 months and 1 day later, I still read dozens of blogs (almost daily) of other moms who have lost their baby too. I feel so fortunate to have found some amazing friends through these blogs. I wish I wrote on Cayden's blog more than I do, but I often feel like I am repeating myself these days. I have said over and over how much I miss Cayden and would write about it everyday, but it is nothing new....I would give anything to have my baby in my arms instead of in my heart.

I have recently planted a few gardens and flower pots all around the outside of my house. I feel like in some ways it has brought me strength to do this. With every flower...I think of Cayden. I actually long for the day that we have our own house with a lot of land and I will be able to plant my dream garden for Cayden. At least I have something to look forward to doing in the near future in remembrance of my sweet boy. (to those of you that are new to my husband is in the Coast Guard and we move every 4 yrs. In 8 yrs we will settle in somewhere that we will call home for the rest of our lives and at that point in time I will be able to make Cayden's garden :))

So, that is where I am in this journey. I still miss my son so much and that will never change as long as I am here. I see nothing, but a blessing when I think of Cayden. I am honored to be his mama. I hope and pray that one day we will be together again.


  1. That will be wonderful when you can finally have the garden you want for Cayden.

    I have no doubt there are hard moments for you. It is different when you have a surviving twin because you have that constant reminder. ((Hugs))

  2. Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing right where you are. And I am so sorry Cayden isn't with you. I think you capture what it is like to lose a twin so honestly. Thank you.

  3. Thanks for sharing this!

  4. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious twin, Cayden. I simply can't imagine the internal struggles a mother must go through when she is not only grieving a baby, but raising one as well. Twin loss certainly does come with it's own set of specific complications and difficulties. So my heart goes out to you.
    I'm sure Carter will grow up knowing what an amazing twin brother he has.
    Glad you participated in this project.

  5. I'm visiting from Angie's project. I am so sorry that Cayden died. I have always thought that raising one twin whilst grieving for their sibling must be a complicated and difficult mixture. I had two living children who made my life bearable, who I had to get out of bed for but can't imagine a precious little newborn in that mix, so as Sally says, my heart goes out to you.

  6. Visiting from Angie's project. I'm so sorry for the loss of Cayden. You capture where you are so well - the random attacks of grief, the love and the missing.

    I love what you write about gardening (that's one thing that comforts me, too, and I am also hoping to one day settle so that I can create a more permanent memory garden for my little guy).