Lost

When I just looked at the date of my last post...I couldn't believe it has already been a month again. My posts are definitely less and less lately.

It by no means, means that I miss or love my son any less. To be honest with you...I think I needed to take a break for awhile. I was at a point where I couldn't do much at home. I was always on my blog or someone elses blog or on the anencephlay support group on facebook. I was so sad all the time.
I was so scared of letting go.
It has been 21 months and I have been so scared of forgetting every last inch about my sweet boy.
I have been hurt by so many friends that I have decided not to have any... Why get hurt all the time when you can avoid it??
Most days I can't believe how much time has gone by. The memories seem farther and farther away...I think about dying a lot more than I ever would have before I lost him. I know most people think that's a bad thing, but if you have lost your child, I know you understand.

A few weeks ago, my grandma that I was very close to growing up, became ill. We ended up finding out she has a brain aneurysm. I was so scared when my family called and said she may have a day...a month..the Drs just don't know. I was suddenly on my way to Vermont...praying to God that she would hold on long enough for me to tell her that I love her one last time...to tell her to give Cayden a kiss for me...
As I sat next to her bed crying, nobody else really understood what being this close to death was doing to me. The last time was when Cayden took his last breath in my arms...it was ripping my heart out.

Maybe I am trying to find an escape from the pain. I swear I am still trying to figure all of this out. Almost 2 years into this journey and most days I am not sure of a lot of things. I am so grateful for the time I was given with Cayden. He truly taught me so much and made me look at life completely different...I now know what's important.
I find myself always trying to find a part of Cayden in whatever we do...as the wind and leaves blows...or the waves crash...as the rain falls...I am always trying to find a part of him...maybe another fear of losing him completely.

As Carter is growing more and more...everyday is a reminder of what could have been. It's amazing how much we all love that little boy..his brother and sister are amazing with him and love him so much. He is so lucky. I wish more than anything that Cayden was here to feel their love also. I am not sure if you would consider Carter my rainbow baby because he was Cayden's twin...but I do know that he has definitely been been like our rainbow after our storm...I feel like he has kept our family together and helped us to carry on Cayden's memory...they are connected for life.

We miss you so much Cayden <3