Thursday, March 31, 2011

It just hurts

Here it is again...
Another post where..... it just hurts.

Being a baby loss mama is so hard and being a mom of a twinless twin has been so difficult for me too.

I go to the grocery store, but I dread it...because every time I go, I know I will run into twins...if not in the store then on the cover of a magazine.

I go to pick Lexy up from school, but I hate to...because there is a set of twins that walks out with her.

I go to ice skating lessons with Lexy every Monday, but I don't want to...because the same twins that I see at her school are at ice skating too.

I go to playgroup, but dread it.... because someone, somehow always says something about twins and makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I go out front and talk to my neighbor, but most days avoid it...because she always talks about her sister in law that just had twins.

Does it ever get easier?? Does it ever not hurt so bad?? Will I ever know what it feels like again to want to leave my house and interact with other people? Some days hurt worse than others when it comes to these things, but it's normally a sting to the heart and the feeling of wanting to run and hide.

I want my baby boy. I wish Carter, Anthony, and Lexy had their brother and never had to learn this kind of pain. It stinks.

Yesterday, I am talking to Ryan in the kitchen and we have the news on in the background...all of a sudden we are both looking at the tv. It is a video of twins boys standing in their diaper babbling to each other....then comes that stinging to the heart and the urge to turn the tv off. Ryan says, " that could have been Carter and Cayden" and then I know that the video hurts him just as much as it is hurting me.

Now, I turn on the tv, but wait..because at any moments twins might be on it.

That's the thing...the list goes on. It doesn't end. I know it is all part of my grieving and I am praying that it will get easier with time. I am sure that people who have not been in the same situation, think that I am out of line, but I can't help just hurts.

I was a Mom to twins. I still am, it's just different because one of mine is in Heaven. Our story is different. So when someone mentions twins or I see them, I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could.
The only thing that gets me through these hard moments is when I stop to remind myself that we have a guardian angel watching over us all the time. Not everyone is able to say that.
I learn more everyday about how to get through certain moments or how to answer certain questions, but sometimes...
it still just hurts.

Love you baby boy.


  1. the loss of a dream... it does hurt. I don't see twins everywhere, I see little girls. It's what I'm missing and so it stands out to me more. thinking of you always...

  2. I think that over time it does get easier. There will always be missing though and a place in our hearts that will be broken until we're w/ them again