Wednesday, February 9, 2011

picking up the pieces....

Where do I begin....
When I say that this past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my may be an understatement. I was taken so off guard. On Friday(Carter and Cayden's birthday) I couldn't even find the motivation to get dressed. It was terrible, I pretty much sat around and cried. I had planned on going to get Cayden's balloon's first thing in the morning to release when Ryan got off of work, but when noon came and I still wasn't ready to leave, I knew it was going to be nearly impossible to make myself go.
I finally went sometime in the early afternoon.
Lexy and I went into the grocery store and we told the woman our situation ans asked her if she thought what we wanted to do would work. She said, "well, it won't hurt to try " so I asked her for 6 multicolored balloons. I pulled each balloon open while Lexy placed each one of our notes to Cayden in the balloon. Then the woman blew them up and wished us luck and we went on our way.
Well throughout the day, Carter had taken a turn for the worse, his fever was back, coughing really bad and I figured I might want to take him to the Dr before the weekend came and we ended up back in the ER, so the Dr office said to come around 4...ughh, not what I wanted to hear! I was stressing so bad about this because we had planned to send the balloons to Cayden when Ryan got off of work at 4.
I was hoping and praying that it would all still work out.
Well, it didn't.
I ended up being at the Dr for an hour and a half. I got home just in time for Ryan and the kids to jump in the van and take off for Anthony's basketball game. We arrived home at 8. At this point I was so mad that I was taking it out on all the wrong people... I was so mad that the one thing I had wanted to do for my baby boy didn't go the way I wanted it too. I felt like... what is the purpose in going and releasing the balloons at 8 at night, his birthday is pretty much over. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who talked me into doing it. It was very cold out, but we drove to an empty field with a spotlight on the truck and stood outside together telling Cayden how much we miss him and Love him as we let all of our balloons and notes go. It was so beautiful, although it wasn't what I had planned.

I ended up going home and going to bed with a broken heart... yearning to hold my baby that is no longer with us and feeling such overwhelming guilt for not even celebrating my other baby's big day.

I lay there wondering how I was going to face this day every year for the rest of my life?
What kind of ritual was I starting?
Why couldn't I pull myself together and be strong like I do every other day of the year?

On Saturday, we took Anthony and Lexy to a support group in the area run by a group called kids grieve too. Amazing women!
The kids really enjoyed it. They got to meet other children who were grieving for a loved one they lost. I think it let them know that they were not alone. They sewed little mini pillows and decorated picture frames. They came home with a whole lot they wanted to talk about. It was supposed to help them out a little before the sad day that was approaching and it did.

Sunday was another hard day. It was the year mark since Cayden went to Heaven. We had all made a few origami boats with sayings for Cayden inside them. We placed a tea light in them and got a bunch of daisy's and headed to the beach to release them. Once again, things were not going as planned, but this time because weather was not cooperating :sigh: It was very cold...extremely windy, the waves were crashing hard, and I knew the boats would never be able to handle it all. So it was time for plan b. We decided to go to the canal and give it our best shot at releasing them. Unfortunately it was only a little better there. I had to climb down steep rocks and release the boats and flowers myself. The kids were not happy...they had looked forward to it all week. We took a few pictures and went home. I tried to explain to them that no matter what Cayden was looking down on us and he knew our good intentions.

At 7 Sunday night, which is when Cayden died, we stood by his table holding hands and said a few words for him and prayed. It was very sad, we all cried and hugged.

In the end, I survived it just like I knew I would. I just miss my baby boy so much. No amount of time will ever change that.... In the meantime I just have to pick up the pieces to my broken heart and keep going....
Mama loves you Cayden.

I came across a picture of my 2 boys the other day and I just love it so much. I wanted to share it.


  1. I am so glad you went even though it was dark... what kind of tradition are you starting?? One where all of your children, including Cayden know that you would do ANYTHING for them!! You may not always do it the way you have it planned, but they know for sure that you would go to any lengths to show your love for them! Good job, Mama(and Daddy)... not an easy thing and I think you did great. Give yourself a break. Love you, Stacy

  2. It's a beautiful picture!!! Thinking of Cayden and remembering with you. I had so much planned those first few years- and while the sting isn't as fresh- I still remember, still spend time, still wonder, "what if"- On this road with you!

  3. I like the idea of a kids support group of course I don't think many exist.

    I know I'm late but Happy Birthday Cayden ♥