This is a post that I started writing 2 weeks ago...I couldn't pull myself together to finish writing it and of course since that day.... "life" has happened.
I think I have finally come to realize a lot of things these past couple of weeks. One of them is that I really have not been able to move forward since losing Cayden. When I say move forward, I do not in any way mean leaving him behind. I mean accepting what happened, realize Cayden is safe and pain free in Heaven and learn to live in my "new normal". I think part of me has been scared to do all of the above, in fear that, it will mean, I am leaving Cayden behind. But the truth is....Cayden will never be left behind. He is so much a part of everything we do. He is everywhere we are and ALWAYS in my heart. He is what I think of with every flower.. every butterfly.. every snowflake...every thought. I have realized that I need to let go of this guilt that I hold onto...I say this, with tears pouring down my face.
When the boys birthday came and Cayden's angel*versary, I was brought to my knees with such an unbearable pain. I was able to see that I have been going day to day, month to month for the past year, just barely getting though it. Floating along the river of grief. I know in some ways this is normal after losing your child, but I also know that Cayden knows he will never be left behind or forgotten. Every time I look at his twin brother.... I think of him.
I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful and amazing children here on Earth with me. They are my everything. Everything they say and do helps put a smile upon my face. They never let a day go by without speaking Cayden's name. He is always with us.
I have looked back on this past year and it all seems like a dream.
Will someone please wake me up now??
I honestly do not know how we have survived all the heartache and pain. I honestly cannot believe that my precious baby boy died. He should be here with us now. Trying to walk and talk. Clap and wave. kiss and hug. All these things that I am watching Carter do just makes me long for Cayden even more.
Since I wrote this post, I had my sister and her family here with us for a week and my whole family came down with a stomach bug. Every single one of us! Like a chain reaction, got sick within hours of each other. It was terrible.
I found out a week ago that a woman that I had just recently met committed suicide. She lived a few streets over from me. In case anyone reading this doesn't know us very well, we live in housing on a military base. This lady worked on base and was well loved by so many people. She was married to a chief in the Coast Guard and had 2teenage children. When I heard the news...I was in shock. After losing Cayden, death hits so close to home no matter what the circumstance...life is too short already, why would anyone want to take their own life? I know that is a question only she knows, but I wish I could have told her how precious her life was and how many people she was going to leave behind with a broken heart...so sad.
I read today on one of my Mama blogs that I follow about a little boy named, Avery(age 2 or 3). He chocked on a hot dog yesterday and is now in the hospital fighting for his life. A ventilator is breathing for him. There is a 30% chance that he will survive and if he does, he will be a totally different child. Reading this, broke my heart. I am sure most of the people reading this blog have children who eat hot dogs. I thought of my children eating them just the other night with their cousins. How do these things happen? How did Avery's parents go from pure happiness to life shattering pain?
It brought me back to...how was I so unaware of so many things 18 months ago? I never knew what it felt like to lose a child..to carry your child for 35 weeks, knowing they were not going to live very long...to hold your baby in your arms knowing that they could die at any moment. To know now that I will never be the same. Everyone around me will never know the depth of my pain. My friends will never understand what we have been through. I know other Moms who have lost a child know the extent of my pain, that's why I am grateful and thankful for all the amazing Moms/friends I have made during this journey.
I apologize for being all over the place writing this post. I had so many different things I wanted to write about. I am off to bed to dream about my baby boy....
I love you Cayden.
How wierd, I just realized that this post dated back to when I had originally wrote it and saved it...
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us don't want to leave our children behind. I think the biggest fear for those who have lost a child is having them be forgotten. But even if the whole world forget we wont. They always be in our hearts. Sometimes it doesn't feel real.
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