I know I have said many times that some days are better or easier than others. These days it seems as if I get through the days ok because I stay so busy, but nighttime has always been and still remains to be the hardest for me. Once all the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, it allows me to fall apart. And 15 months later....I still do fall apart quite often. I have my moments during the day too, it is just not as often as it used to be. Yesterday was one of those moments during the day...
Lexy and I were driving home and we are sitting at a red light. She looks out her window and sees a grave yard.
She says " Mom, doesn't it make you sad when you see a graveyard and think about all the people that have died?"
I say" yes Lex, of course it does."
Then she says" Is Cayden in that graveyard right there?"
I feel myself choking back the tears and trying to think of answers to what questions are about to come.
I tell her, "no honey, Cayden is at home on his table."
She seems confused, I tell her again that he was cremated. Then she says, "what does cremated mean?"
At this point I am crying and trying to hold myself together so I can re-explain to my baby girl what happened to her baby brother.
I had already explained to the kids when I was pregnant what we were doing with Cayden after he passed away and why, but I am assuming that Lexy was too little and just didn't quite understand and now that she is almost 7, she is wanting to know more.
The conversation was a very hard one to get through. I explained to her what cremating meant and why we chose to do it. She asked if I wanted to be cremated too and then asked me what she would do if I died too because then she wouldn't have a Mommy or a baby brother anymore. My heart broke as she was talking. She is so mature for her age and everything that happened has really made her grow up so much more. I thought of the conversation I would like to be having with her instead and wishing Cayden was still alive and with us.
If he was, she wouldn't know the depth of pain like she does now and she wouldn't think to ask the questions she was asking.
If he was.... we wouldn't have to be having this talk.
I was longing for the days when life was so carefree and losing one of your children seemed like something that could never happen to you.
I am reminded that no conversation we have will ever be the same again. We are not like other families anymore driving in the car talking about the birds and the bees.
Losing someone that you love so much leaves such an empty place in your life.
Our lives were forever changed by my special little boy. His brother and sister love him so much it is so amazing to me. The bond that they made with him is so strong and it has truly made them stronger kids. To say that I am proud of them would be an understatement.
I love my kids so much....all 4 of them.
And if I could take their pain away, I would.
I would never turn back time and erase what happened because Cayden was such an amazing child and I love him with all my heart...
I would just make it so that he could have stayed with us....
I would make it so my kids smiles were back on their faces like the day I told them that we were having twins....
their first reaction was.. one for each of us to take care of!
They were so excited and happy and filled with joy.
I would give anything to give them that again.
The feeling of being complete...
We are forever missing a part of us.
I love you Cayden Ryan.