These shoes

I have been avoiding lots of people and things lately to protect my heart. I had a feeling that this was coming, but I really hoped it wouldn't. It just seemed as if everywhere I turned, I was being hurt by others words and my heart couldn't take much more. I am grieving for my baby boy that was taken from us too soon. It has only been 18 months, but for some reason, people think that is a long time and I should be "over it." But I will never be over it. I will go on and learn to live my life with my broken heart, but I will NEVER get over it.

I know a girl that lives a few streets over from me. I have spoken of her in previous blog posts...she is pregnant with twins and everyone, including her likes to talk to me about her and her babies. Well, She delivered her healthy, twin baby boys yesterday. I wish I could be happy for her, but I would be lying if I said that I am. My heart was actually hurting so bad and for the first time in a long time, I asked God.. why was she able to keep her boys, but I wasn't?? Why is she a happy, proud mommy without a worry in the world, while I sit here everyday, wishing I could kiss my baby boy one more time. I ran into a friend of both of ours yesterday and she had to tell me about the girl delivering her boys and how they are all doing...I just nodded and didn't even say a word..I couldn't be fake and put on my happy face..it just wasn't possible. how can people not realize what they are saying? Last night I posted a quote on facebook that I read last week on anencephaly.info and today I received an apology email from the girl. I guess it took me posting something for her to realize what she had said, hurt me. I accepted her apology, but feel like I need a break from everyone around me. I feel like just when I am having a good day, someone pushes me back down. These people don't understand what it feels like to have your child die... A piece of you goes with them. Your life is not the same.

I want to share what I posted on facebook last night...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. they are ugly shoes. uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair. some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. they are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad that they are my shoes and not theirs. they never talk about my shoes. to learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. to truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them. but once you put them on.. you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. there are many pairs in this world. some woman are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

This really touched me when I first read it. The words just put it simply for others to understand what we are going through.

I can honestly say that in these shoes, I know true happiness and sorrow... all mixed together now. These shoes have changed me so much. I can be smiling and laughing one second and crying the next. I know a whole new meaning to yearn for someone and miss them so deeply and I know a whole new meaning of "love." While wearing these painful shoes, I can still feel happiness everytime I hold Carter and hug and kiss him..

Although I agree that my shoes hurt and bring me so much pain... I wouldn't want any other shoes because that would mean that I wouldn't be Cayden's mama... I miss my sweet boy and love him so much <3

The first step to understanding

I think I have told everyone about Cayden's memorial table in our living room. It has his urn on it, fresh flowers, my favorite picture of him, a digital picture frame with all of our pictures with him, a picture of all 4 of the kids, my angel candle and my twin willow tree figures.

Well, Carter is at that busy age where he gets into everything and I knew it was going to happen eventually....yesterday, he pushed a step stool up to the table and was pointing at everything yelling "Mom." I rushed over to the table and leaned down to him, I told him that it was Cayden's table and not to touch...just look. He wanted the picture of Cayden really bad so I handed it to him...well, he leaned over and kissed the picture... I couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, but so sad. He handed the picture frame back to me and sat on the step stool and watched the digital picture frame for about 2 minutes. He kept pointing and yelling, "Mom." Now, he is doing it everyday. He is so gentle and actually listens when I tell him not to touch. That is amazing to me since he is only 18 months old. I swear it is like he knows. It was also very sad and hard for me cause it is just a reminder that this is how Carter will know Cayden for the rest of his life, when what I would give anything for, would be to have them growing up together.

I also took a picture of Cayden's chest. I know Holly asked me what it looks like awhile back. In the chest is everything of Cayden's and I can not go in the chest without falling apart. It sits in the living room right next to his table.

I came across a poem the other day and it really rings true to how I feel sometimes, so I wanted to share it.

The Mask

I have a face I put in place, It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see, The way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy, darkness, endless nights.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh, but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

The future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by: Dianna J. Brendle

Although, Ryan and my 3 kids that are here with me still bring me so much joy, I still feel this way a lot. I am still hurting so much inside and miss Cayden so much, but I put on my different face for everyone else so that they don't feel uncomfortable around me. I am glad that Carter is getting old enough for me to start talking to him about Cayden, but I wish my little boys were chasing each other around instead. I wish I didn't know the true depth of pain and heartache... I wish more than anything that I was sitting here tonight typing this with Cayden in my arms..

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden <3

Happy Heavenly 18 months birthday

Yesterday was 18 months since I gave birth to 2 of the most amazing boys and tomorrow will be 18 months since Cayden passed away. I normally try to post a happy monthly birthday to my little angel in heaven, but I laid in bed last night feeling guilty for not doing so. I was exhausted. Carter had his 18 month checkup and shots and it was a long day.

I thought of Cayden so much yesterday throughout the day. As I sat in the room at the Dr office, I wished Cayden could be there too. My heart was heavy. I thought back to the day the boys were born while I was driving and I just cried. It feels good to cry for Cayden. I miss him so much.

I came across a little note that I wanted to share;

When we lose our child that we love so much, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a sadness, A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why they left this earth so soon, or why they left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that they died, but that they lived. And that their life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in Heaven, where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly and he would not live long, I couldn't imagine how my life would go on after losing my child. Now here I am 18 months later. I miss my little boy with everything in me, but through all of my pain and heartache, I truly feel blessed. I was chosen to carry 2 boys and it was the most amazing experience. Now, I carry one of my boys in my arms and his twin brother, I carry in my heart.

Carter is an amazing little soul who I love to watch grow everyday. I see so much of Cayden when I look at him. He has the biggest heart ever and loves his family so much. He would give us kisses all day if he could. It has been such a hard journey trying to divide the happiness and sadness as we have watched him grow. We love him so much, but feel so incomplete without Cayden. I am certain that this will always be how it is...

Happy Heavenly 18 months Birthday Cayden... Mama misses you and loves you so much xoxo

Not all here these days

If I have realized one thing lately, it is that my grief has come back with a vengeance.
I had been feeling good most days for some time now. Of course, I have my moments, but I was actually amazed that what everyone had told me, "it gets easier with time," was true.
I thought I had reached a point where I wasn't crying all the time anymore and my days were so busy that I didn't even have time to think.
But lately my heart is heavy...
I cry at the drop of a dime.
I spent ALOT of time reliving in my mind what happened.
I think of things I could have done differently.
I think about all of the what ifs....
I feel on edge and snappy and frustrated.
I often try to imagine what my life would be like if Cayden was here.
I cry for friendships that I have lost through this, but I am so grateful that I learned who is meant to be in my life right now.
In a few weeks it will be 18 months since my boys were born and Cayden left us to go to a better place...
I can barely swallow right now when I think back on the past 18 months.
I hate that when I see a woman pregnant with twins or that has twins...I feel emotions that I can't control. I should be happy for her, but my emotions are taking over everything.
I cringe when I hear a friend complain about something so little...if they only knew.
From the moment I wake up, while I am in the shower, while I am cooking or driving, I can't help, but think of Cayden and wish he was here with us.
I feel alone in this big, lonely world. Everyone has moved on and honestly most days it seems as if Ryan has too. I try to talk to him ALL the time about it and he just listens and goes about his day....
I always have wanted a big family and lots of kids. I just love babies so much. They melt my heart. I don't mean like the Dugger's or anything. ;) I have always said I want 4 kids and I was blessed with 4 kids, sadly one of them couldn't stay here with me.
Unfortunately, Ryan doesn't want anymore kids after what we have been through. He feels we have been through too much heartache and that he is not strong enough to go through it again. I understand and admire his honesty, so I am ok with this. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am sad about it too.
Watching my baby suffer and have seizures nonstop for an hour before slowly leaving this Earth, was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. Of course I wouldn't ever want to go through it again, but I would if I was faced with it and it meant, time with my baby.
I feel like I am all over the place with this post..it kind of goes with how I have been everyday.
I am losing stuff nonstop ( I lost my car keys the other day and looked everywhere for days but could not find them. I was using my spare key and ended up losing that too!) Seriously...what is wrong with me?
I can't keep my thoughts together either.
I feel out of sorts.
My house is a mess (which normally I am good at staying on top of)
and in the end....it all comes down to one thing.
I want my Cayden back.
Without him, I am incomplete.

I love you sweet boy.

I feel broken

I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.

I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.

I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.

Well news flash...

I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
It sucks.
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.

All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.

No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.

I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and bonding...it doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.

As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know why...it feels unbearable.

I miss you and love you so much baby boy.

17 months

It has been 17 months today.
Another month without Cayden in my arms.
But yet another day closer until I will see him again.
My life is full of happiness and I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet, it is never enough.
I will always be incomplete without my baby boy.
Everything I say and do, always brings me right to him.

I want to write on here so much more than I do these days, but I hate that it seems like I am always saying the same thing over. I am a mama who lost her son 17 months ago. I have a broken heart that can never be completely healed. I am happy, but there is always tears behind every smile. I long to hold Cayden in my arms and kiss him one more time.

I hate that every night I go to bed thinking of his face instead of kissing it goodnight.

I am sometimes amazed that I am still hurt by what others say 17 months later..
Carter is pretty crazy these days. He has me going non-stop.
A friend of mine says the other day, "whew, can you imagine if you had two of him...no thank you!"
She was pretty much saying thank God Cayden didn't live because my life would be even harder.
I wanted to tell her...I would give anything to have two of him. I would do anything to not have had my son die...I still haven't figured out why people say such stupid things.

We had a fun night tonight at the beach watching fireworks, but of course as Carter played in the sand and laughed, I was thinking of Cayden..wishing he was right next to his brother playing too. That is nothing new though..I always wish Cayden was here to grow up side by side with Carter.

It is hard to believe that 17 months ago, I had 2 baby boys in my arms.... I miss Cayden so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.

Another hard moment

I had a moment tonight... a moment where I was taken completely off guard... I was not expecting it and I can not even put into words the pain I felt. It almost felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my chest....I couldn't breath...I was at loss of words...and the only thing that could go though my head was....get me out of here!!

I have been faced with twins many times since losing Cayden. I have talked on here about my struggles with the twin thing too, but I don't think that I have ever been put at a table with another woman carrying twins...twin boys. And I really didn't expect it to hurt so bad!

I went over to a friends house tonight for a girls night out of bunco...Now, I am not the type to go out. I love being at home with my family. When I am away from them, I feel guilty and wish I was with them. I think a lot of this has happened after losing Cayden. So, I had a few friends who talked me into going. As I was sitting at one of the tables, one of the girls made a remark about having 2 baby boys inside her...I did not know the girl. But suddenly people around me were talking non-stop about her being pregnant with twin boys. A few of the girls even knew what had happened to me. I have never wanted to leave a room so quickly. I found myself avoiding the conversation and trying to fight back the tears. I wanted to tell her that she was not guaranteed 2 babies in the end, but I didn't.

Now, I am back at home with my broken heart. I am reminded that life is NEVER the same after losing a baby and nobody will ever understand. Girls nights out...are not just a good time anymore. I am reminded how unfair life can be. I just want my baby in my arms. I want to remember what it's like to NOT have one of your babies die...to say, "I had twin boys!" without saying that one of them is in heaven now.

There is nothing easy about this journey. I know as time has gone on, the days get a little easier, but in the end, no matter how much time has passed...you still long for the baby you lost and the reminder is always there. The pain is always right there waiting to resurface. The only people I knew could comfort me, was my husband and kids that were at home or my other baby loss mama's.

I thank God and also all of you who lift me back up when I am down. I know as hard as this journey gets and as sad as I am tonight...tomorrow is a new day and I will get through it. Cayden is always with me..even tonight he was with me. I just carry him in my heart instead of in my arms.

Mama misses you and loves you so much Cayden.