Reality always seems to hit me every night after I put the kids to bed. The house is calm and quiet... and suddenly something happens that takes my breath away and I just lose it. Don't get me wrong, Cayden is always on my mind, but during the day there is always something going on...
get the kids up. off to school. I need a shower. Carter needs to eat, play, nap and be fussy. the dog needs to be fed, let out or is barking to come in. grocery shopping. cleaning. homework. dinner. baths. put the kids to bed...
this is all part of my everyday life that I wouldn't change for a second. It is MY life...a good life...a great life actually, but it is kind of hard to think during all of this craziness, let alone take a second for myself to cry for my son... so when it gets quiet enough and still enough....I feel the emptiness suck me back in.
9 months has taught me that there will never be enough happiness, good times, laughter, or busyness to drown out the silence and emptiness that losing Cayden has left in my life. It just isn't right to have your child leave this life before you. I have a lot of happiness in my life everyday just waking up and seeing my husband and children, but the pain is right there with it. Nobody understands either...nobody SEES my daughter dance around the living room, holding a picture of Cayden to her heart, singing to him....nobody HEARS her say, "Mommy, I am sorry, but I love Cayden more than anyone else in our family because he needs more love since he isn't here with us." Nobody FEELS her tears drip on their arm as she is hugging me telling me that her only wish is for Cayden to be here with us again. This has been the hardest road to walk down. And I am certain it will only get harder as time goes on and I have to one day tell Carter about Cayden...and then Carter starts school and I see another set of twins starting kindergarten, but I have faith that I will get through these hard times.
Right now I am just floating down the river of grief....missing my little guy so much. and yes, some days I do still ask God...why? Can you blame me?
Cayden, Mommy misses you so much...I love you forever....
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Always on my mind
I have been wanting to come on and write for many nights now. It seems like everywhere I go and everything I do, I am wishing Cayden was with us. I look at all of his pictures and feel so empty. My life feels so incomplete without him in it. I asked Ryan the other night, "where has time gone?" It feels like just yesterday we were trying to prepare for twins and then the worst day of a parents life and now here I am almost 9 months later. How can time go by so fast? I want to press a pause button. Everyone says it gets easier with time, but it certainly hasn't gotten any easier for me.
Recently, Ryan and I bought a beautiful table for our entry way. On the table is our favorite picture of Cayden in a frame. Next to his picture is his remains. Then there is a vase of flowers and a photo book of pics I had made for Ryan for father's day and a candle. I love looking at this table everyday! I want people to see it and know that he is still so much a part of our family. I still want to put a collage frame of pictures from the pregnancy and and another collage frame with pictures from the hospital above the table. It is not complete, but I feel good knowing that it is there.
I feel like such a different person since I lost Cayden. I don't have the patience to deal with anything in this crazy world. I hate hearing other peoples petty problems. I just want to live in my own little world and not have to deal with anything. I want to be with my family every second of everyday and hold them close to me. I don't want to take a second for granted!
Lexy came home from school today and was in a very bad mood. She started whining and complaining right away. I said, "come on Lex, you have only been home 2 minutes, lets not start already." Then she looked at me and said, " I had a bad day, ok? I have been thinking about Cayden all day!" I felt so bad. I can't even imagine how she goes to school and tries to concentrate with all these other things on her mind. Breaks my heart.
I know the night Cayden left us was the hardest night of my whole life. He passed away in my arms. We talked about keeping him for the night and having Teresa from the funeral home pick him up in the morning, but the funeral home and hospice didn't recommend it. They said that it may be scary for the kids. We were so torn on what to do. We didn't want to let him go. So we asked if they would give us a few hours before they came. We all held him and cried together. He was so beautiful that night..he looked like a porcelain doll. I wish I could have had more time. I would give anything to have him in my arms right now. I wish I could say that I have accepted what happened, but I have not! I feel like by saying and doing that I am leaving Cayden behind.
I remember when I was pregnant, almost every night I would go on the computer before bed and listen to a few songs that I had picked for him. One of them was lullaby by Dixie Chicks...I would sing it to the boys and cry. I miss feeling Cayden so full of life inside of me. Some days are so much harder than others. I think with the holidays approaching, it is only going to get harder as I am going to be wishing he was here with us. I know that we will get through it as a family though. I am so thankful to be married to Ryan. We sit and talk about Cayden almost every night together. We share our feelings and how much we miss him. Some nights we stand at Caydens table and just say nothing...I know Ryan is hurting too....we all are. There is no words to ever explain how much he means to us and how he has forever changed us. We will never be the same. We will always be missing a child, Cayden took part of me with him the day the Lord called him home. I miss you and love you so much Cayden.....
Recently, Ryan and I bought a beautiful table for our entry way. On the table is our favorite picture of Cayden in a frame. Next to his picture is his remains. Then there is a vase of flowers and a photo book of pics I had made for Ryan for father's day and a candle. I love looking at this table everyday! I want people to see it and know that he is still so much a part of our family. I still want to put a collage frame of pictures from the pregnancy and and another collage frame with pictures from the hospital above the table. It is not complete, but I feel good knowing that it is there.
I feel like such a different person since I lost Cayden. I don't have the patience to deal with anything in this crazy world. I hate hearing other peoples petty problems. I just want to live in my own little world and not have to deal with anything. I want to be with my family every second of everyday and hold them close to me. I don't want to take a second for granted!
Lexy came home from school today and was in a very bad mood. She started whining and complaining right away. I said, "come on Lex, you have only been home 2 minutes, lets not start already." Then she looked at me and said, " I had a bad day, ok? I have been thinking about Cayden all day!" I felt so bad. I can't even imagine how she goes to school and tries to concentrate with all these other things on her mind. Breaks my heart.
I know the night Cayden left us was the hardest night of my whole life. He passed away in my arms. We talked about keeping him for the night and having Teresa from the funeral home pick him up in the morning, but the funeral home and hospice didn't recommend it. They said that it may be scary for the kids. We were so torn on what to do. We didn't want to let him go. So we asked if they would give us a few hours before they came. We all held him and cried together. He was so beautiful that night..he looked like a porcelain doll. I wish I could have had more time. I would give anything to have him in my arms right now. I wish I could say that I have accepted what happened, but I have not! I feel like by saying and doing that I am leaving Cayden behind.
I remember when I was pregnant, almost every night I would go on the computer before bed and listen to a few songs that I had picked for him. One of them was lullaby by Dixie Chicks...I would sing it to the boys and cry. I miss feeling Cayden so full of life inside of me. Some days are so much harder than others. I think with the holidays approaching, it is only going to get harder as I am going to be wishing he was here with us. I know that we will get through it as a family though. I am so thankful to be married to Ryan. We sit and talk about Cayden almost every night together. We share our feelings and how much we miss him. Some nights we stand at Caydens table and just say nothing...I know Ryan is hurting too....we all are. There is no words to ever explain how much he means to us and how he has forever changed us. We will never be the same. We will always be missing a child, Cayden took part of me with him the day the Lord called him home. I miss you and love you so much Cayden.....
Friday, October 15, 2010
Today is WORLDWIDE, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day!
Today, October 15th is worldwide pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day! What a sad and happy day. It is so sad that we have to have a day like this, but it is such a happy day because the whole world takes time to remember and recognize the babies who left us too soon. I miss Cayden so much! We lit a candle tonight for Cayden and all the other babies! Rest in peace my love! Mommy loves you!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
8 months ago today Cayden left my arms to go to a better place. My heart feels so heavy today as I think of so much. Some days are better than others, but today is just not a good day.
Lexy came home from school the other day crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Mommy, I tried to tell everyone in my class what happened to Cayden and they all laughed and said who cares." At that moment I tried to fight back the tears and give her a hug and tell her how sorry I was. I tried to explain that those kids aren't trying to be mean, they just don't understand. It is so sad that my baby girl has to go through this. A child her age is not supposed to have a worry in the world, but instead she cries all the time asking me why Cayden had to die?
Right now, I am at loss of words...
I came across this poem yesterday and want to share it..
Grief is Like A River
My grief is like a river.
I have to let it flow
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger,
My faith seems faint, indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.
Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in
Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.
8 months ago today, was the worst day of my life...a part of me was taken that I will never get back! My life will never be the same again...I miss you so much Cayden! Mommy loves you!
Lexy came home from school the other day crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Mommy, I tried to tell everyone in my class what happened to Cayden and they all laughed and said who cares." At that moment I tried to fight back the tears and give her a hug and tell her how sorry I was. I tried to explain that those kids aren't trying to be mean, they just don't understand. It is so sad that my baby girl has to go through this. A child her age is not supposed to have a worry in the world, but instead she cries all the time asking me why Cayden had to die?
Right now, I am at loss of words...
I came across this poem yesterday and want to share it..
Grief is Like A River
My grief is like a river.
I have to let it flow
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.
Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.
I crash on rocks of anger,
My faith seems faint, indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.
Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in
Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.
8 months ago today, was the worst day of my life...a part of me was taken that I will never get back! My life will never be the same again...I miss you so much Cayden! Mommy loves you!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Happy 8 month Birthday Cayden!
Happy birthday Cayden! Wow, I have done it again! I am late posting this by a day again. It wasn't that I forgot though. I thought about it all day yesterday, I just wasn't by a computer most of the day and then I was so busy with the kids when I got home. I am finding it almost scary that the year anniversary of my sons birth is approaching rather quickly and that the year anniversary of losing Cayden is right after that. This time a year ago, Ryan and I were trying to find a way to tell Ant and Lexy that one of their brothers wasn't going to live! We waited 8 weeks to tell them. It was killing us that we were going to have to break their hearts. How do you sit down and tell a 5 and 9 year old that their world is about to be turned upside down and will never be the same again? Not only was my heart hurting so badly about just finding out about Cayden, but my heart was breaking for my other 2 children. People think in life that things like this will never happen to them and they take their children for granted, but it does happen...I am proof! The only thing that keeps me going everyday is my family and the fact that I know that Cayden is in a better place where he will never feel pain...and that when it is my time to leave this life...he will be there waiting for me! I miss you Cayden and I love you as much as a mother can possibly love!
Some people just dont get it
I really don't know how to start this.... All I can say is that some people really just don't get it! I have thought about and thought about it time again and I can't seem to figure this one out. If a woman was pregnant with twins and one of her twins passed away, do you really think that she wants to hear about twins all the time? I am like a magnet to people. I am wondering if it is just because they haven't gone through it or I am beginning to think that people are just plain hurtful. I mean seriously... I understand that twins are all over this world and they are a unique and wonderful thing and I am happy for the people out there who have healthy intact twins, but I do not. I was supposed to and sadly one of mine passed away. It has been 8 months tomorrow..which really isn't that long! I am still grieving for my son, why do you feel the need to talk to me about twins? I would never want to hurt somebody like that! I have come to a conclusion that all I can do is bite my tongue and pray for these people. I pray that nothing like this ever happens to them and that they will one day stop and realize how hurtful they are.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Time goes by too fast!
It is so crazy to me how fast time goes by these days. It seems impossible to think that almost 8 months has gone by since I gave birth to my twin baby boys.
It was the best, scariest, and worst day of my life! So many emotions all at once! I was feeling a lot of pressure and had gone into the hospital to get checked because when I called my Dr office said they couldn't see me for 2 weeks.. haha. what a joke..When I went to the hospital they checked me and said, "wow, you are almost 4cm dilated, we are going to keep you and monitor you for awhile"...well, 2 hours later, I was 5 cm, so they said, " call your husband, you are having the babies tonight." I was so scared.. I didn't want it to go this way...it was too soon. Cayden was still safe and growing inside me and I was still praying for a miracle. Then the stupid Drs ripped my heart out of me when they told me, " sorry, but we are not monitoring baby b due to his condition"...what?! Are you kidding me?..did I really just hear you correctly? So, you are saying that his life is worth nothing because of his condition? Shame on them!! It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.
So, as the night went on, the labor stopped. I ended up needing pitocin to start the labor again. Well, after a very long, hard, couple hours...Carter came into this world as healthy as can be...weighing 6lbs 7 oz(very big considering he was 5 weeks early). Well, unfortunately, Cayden didn't want to leave me. He fought so hard to stay with me. It took 3 very inconsiderate, rude, heartless Drs to get him out. After 30 minutes my precious baby Cayden came into this world. They swooped him away as I asked repeatedly...Is he alive? Is he ok? Where did you take him? What is going on? After about 5 minutes, the nurse said..well, he is alive..do you want to see him..or should we just take him away? Wow!! People really are crazy. He is my child. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks..I love him just as much as my other children! Of course I want to see him! As they placed him in my arms...I fell in love.. and knew that it was going to be the hardest thing in my life to let him go!! He belonged with me..in my arms!! Forever..how could life be this unfair?? Well, for the next 3 days..I barely let him go..I wanted him to know that when he left this life to go to a better place that his Mommy loved him so much. Cayden was such an amazing little boy. He fought to stay with us so much. The Drs and nurses couldn't believe that he was defying the odds. He eat, took a pacifier, held our fingers, and responded to everything. He cried and tried so hard to hang on and for this I am forever grateful!!! These Drs are so wrong.. they say that anecephalic babies can't do any of the things Cayden did, but it is all text book crap that they tell you.
On day 3..the Neonatologist came in my room and said, "well, we are releasing you to go home..we don't know how long Cayden will live, but we are going to get hospice to take over from here. My dreams had come true!! I was going home with both of my baby boys..God was amazing!! We were also getting a huge snow storm that day. It was so beautiful leaving the hospital with the snow falling and 2 babies in my arms. As we drove home, all I could do was cry..tears of joy and fear. We arrived home at 4pm. Cayden, then began to have seizures every 10-15 minutes. I have never felt so scared in my life. I held him and told him how much I loved him for the next 3 hours until he left us to go to Heaven. I believe that he waited to leave us so that he could see his home and leave the sterile walls of the hospital behind. Not a day goes by that I don't relive this over and over. I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children, but God had different plans for one of them. My heart breaks a little more everyday. It feels so good to share that day of our life with everyone. Cayden was such an amazing child and if I could share his story with the whole world, I would!
It was the best, scariest, and worst day of my life! So many emotions all at once! I was feeling a lot of pressure and had gone into the hospital to get checked because when I called my Dr office said they couldn't see me for 2 weeks.. haha. what a joke..When I went to the hospital they checked me and said, "wow, you are almost 4cm dilated, we are going to keep you and monitor you for awhile"...well, 2 hours later, I was 5 cm, so they said, " call your husband, you are having the babies tonight." I was so scared.. I didn't want it to go this way...it was too soon. Cayden was still safe and growing inside me and I was still praying for a miracle. Then the stupid Drs ripped my heart out of me when they told me, " sorry, but we are not monitoring baby b due to his condition"...what?! Are you kidding me?..did I really just hear you correctly? So, you are saying that his life is worth nothing because of his condition? Shame on them!! It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.
So, as the night went on, the labor stopped. I ended up needing pitocin to start the labor again. Well, after a very long, hard, couple hours...Carter came into this world as healthy as can be...weighing 6lbs 7 oz(very big considering he was 5 weeks early). Well, unfortunately, Cayden didn't want to leave me. He fought so hard to stay with me. It took 3 very inconsiderate, rude, heartless Drs to get him out. After 30 minutes my precious baby Cayden came into this world. They swooped him away as I asked repeatedly...Is he alive? Is he ok? Where did you take him? What is going on? After about 5 minutes, the nurse said..well, he is alive..do you want to see him..or should we just take him away? Wow!! People really are crazy. He is my child. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks..I love him just as much as my other children! Of course I want to see him! As they placed him in my arms...I fell in love.. and knew that it was going to be the hardest thing in my life to let him go!! He belonged with me..in my arms!! Forever..how could life be this unfair?? Well, for the next 3 days..I barely let him go..I wanted him to know that when he left this life to go to a better place that his Mommy loved him so much. Cayden was such an amazing little boy. He fought to stay with us so much. The Drs and nurses couldn't believe that he was defying the odds. He eat, took a pacifier, held our fingers, and responded to everything. He cried and tried so hard to hang on and for this I am forever grateful!!! These Drs are so wrong.. they say that anecephalic babies can't do any of the things Cayden did, but it is all text book crap that they tell you.
On day 3..the Neonatologist came in my room and said, "well, we are releasing you to go home..we don't know how long Cayden will live, but we are going to get hospice to take over from here. My dreams had come true!! I was going home with both of my baby boys..God was amazing!! We were also getting a huge snow storm that day. It was so beautiful leaving the hospital with the snow falling and 2 babies in my arms. As we drove home, all I could do was cry..tears of joy and fear. We arrived home at 4pm. Cayden, then began to have seizures every 10-15 minutes. I have never felt so scared in my life. I held him and told him how much I loved him for the next 3 hours until he left us to go to Heaven. I believe that he waited to leave us so that he could see his home and leave the sterile walls of the hospital behind. Not a day goes by that I don't relive this over and over. I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children, but God had different plans for one of them. My heart breaks a little more everyday. It feels so good to share that day of our life with everyone. Cayden was such an amazing child and if I could share his story with the whole world, I would!
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