Heaven is for Real

I just finished reading the book: "Heaven is for real." What a great book! I highly recommend it. There were so many parts in the book that made me cry and my heart smile. I hope heaven is exactly how Colton says it is...I look forward to the day I will hold my baby boy in my arms again, but until that day comes, it makes my days easier to think of heaven and how beautiful it is and to know that he is with all our other family and friends who left us too soon.

My faith has certainly been tested during everything we have been through. When I was a little girl I went to church every Sunday with my grandma in Vermont and I remember that I loved going! I went to Sunday school and I learned all about God and Jesus. I have tons of memories and pictures of all the plays I was in with my church. We moved away to Florida when I was in middle school, I started getting in with the wrong crowds and getting into trouble and I ended up going to church by myself to stay out of trouble. I remember going with my youth group in FL to a horse camp in GA, it was so much fun. I went to church during most of my childhood days and somewhere along the way, I stopped going. There was no reason. I still believed. I still prayed. I just didn't go to church anymore.

When I found out Cayden was not going to live long, my faith was tested. I asked, why? I struggled to find a reason why God could let such horrible things happen, but I never stopped believing. I still prayed almost every night. I knew the night Cayden passed away that he was with us...carrying us through it all.

While I was pregnant I was sent a care package from Laura with http://http//stringofpearlsonline.org/. The package contained a book called, The One Year Book of Hope. A few months after I lost Cayden, I began reading it and also reading my bible from when I was younger. I found such strength and healing in reading these. I have wanted to go back to church for a long time now, but I haven't taken that step yet. I feel out of place being in a new area and not knowing anyone or not even knowing which church to go to. I know these things shouldn't matter though.

I still question so much, but try to keep my faith. I know that my baby boy is in the arms of the Lord... safe and pain free. and everyday gone is one day closer to being together again. Colton's stories were such a blessing for me to read. It was exactly what I needed. It will be so amazing to meet again in heaven.

I am reminded everyday of all the blessing in my life. Thank you Lord.

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden.

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 day

I will start by saying thank you to Angie with http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com . She has started a project called: Right Where I am. It is for parents to share where they are at with their grief whether it has been 5 months or 5 years. I think it is such a good idea.

It has been 1 year 4 months and 1 day since Cayden died. My heart is still every bit broken as it was the day he left my arms, but the pain has gotten more bearable. It seems to me like ever since I got Cayden's diagnosis, my life has been on fast forward. I know that it is because my 3 children keep me so busy. Most days it feels like forever since I last saw Cayden, but there are times where it feels like just yesterday.

My days are much easier to get through, but I do still fall apart. My grief is random instead of all the time. It can sneak up on me when I am least expecting it.

I am able to live my life and enjoy every second with Ryan and my 3 other kids. I smile and I laugh. I do normal everyday things. I never thought I would be able to do any of this after I lost him. But I do admit, I feel guilty for being able to do these things.

I do still long to have Cayden in my arms...I cling to every moment and memory... but I don't cry constantly like I used to.

My story is a little different though. After losing one of my babies, I still had a newborn baby to take care of. In some ways, it really helped me and in some ways, it made everything so much harder. Now, as my surviving twin is getting older, I am finding it harder because I envision the two of them together doing everything together. All of Carter's "firsts" were so different because it was a reminder that Cayden wasn't here to do them also. Carter's first birthday was nothing like my two older kids first birthday's because it was such a sad time for me that I found it too hard to celebrate and be happy.

Cayden is so much a part of my everyday. I think of him with everything I do. I do everything to make sure he is not forgotten. His life and death is part of our family. My children talk about him all the time.

I think something that still is so hard for me is hearing the word "twins." I often wonder if it will ever get easier with time? When someone says they have twins or are pregnant with them, it immediately feels like someone is ripping my heart out. I am not sure if I feel this way because they have what we were supposed to...I really don't know. I just know it still hurts really bad. And unfortunately, I hear it ALL the time.

1 year 4 months and 1 day later, I still read dozens of blogs (almost daily) of other moms who have lost their baby too. I feel so fortunate to have found some amazing friends through these blogs. I wish I wrote on Cayden's blog more than I do, but I often feel like I am repeating myself these days. I have said over and over how much I miss Cayden and would write about it everyday, but it is nothing new....I would give anything to have my baby in my arms instead of in my heart.

I have recently planted a few gardens and flower pots all around the outside of my house. I feel like in some ways it has brought me strength to do this. With every flower...I think of Cayden. I actually long for the day that we have our own house with a lot of land and I will be able to plant my dream garden for Cayden. At least I have something to look forward to doing in the near future in remembrance of my sweet boy. (to those of you that are new to my blog...my husband is in the Coast Guard and we move every 4 yrs. In 8 yrs we will settle in somewhere that we will call home for the rest of our lives and at that point in time I will be able to make Cayden's garden :))

So, that is where I am in this journey. I still miss my son so much and that will never change as long as I am here. I see nothing, but a blessing when I think of Cayden. I am honored to be his mama. I hope and pray that one day we will be together again.

16 months

16 months.....
I often find myself wondering how the months go by so fast since losing Cayden....
These days I find it easier to think of Cayden and smile. I still cry quite often, but I try to always think of all the happiness he brought to our lives.
16 months without my amazing little boy is too long, but sadly I know, I have soo much longer to live without him.

I woke up today and as I was lying in bed, the first thought to cross my mind was that it had been 16 months since I gave birth to Carter and Cayden.
I lay there thinking and longing to have Cayden lying with us too.

At 16 months old, Carter is doing so many fun things now. He is not only walking, but running. And with that, comes LOTS of falls :-(
He is so much fun. He says, "uh oh" constantly and he loves to say, "thank you" for everything. He is my little snuggle bug. He is definitely a mama's boy too, but he loves his daddy and his Ant and Lexy too. He is the light of our life and I know that he has helped me with this huge emptiness that losing Cayden left in my heart. I also know that seeing him do everything is just a reminder that he should have his brother by his side doing everything with him. It hurts and I am sure that it always will.

Although the days are easier to get through 16 months later, everything I see and do makes me think of Cayden.
If I see a butterfly...a rainbow...a beautiful sunset...flowers...
everything instantly makes me think of Cayden <3 When I listen to the radio, so many songs make me think of Cayden. No matter where I am at or what I am doing somehow, something reminds me of my baby boy. Even something random that someone says to me...reminds me of Cayden. I love it. I love that he is always there. Before Cayden, I thought, "it could never happen to me." Now, I know tomorrow is never promised. It reminds me of a post that I wrote awhile back about everything Cayden has taught me.

A good friend of mine sent me a link today to the song "Blessing" by Laura Story. It couldn't have been at a better time. I cried and smiled at the same time. I have heard the song before, but it has been awhile. I really didn't expect to have so many emotions today, so hearing this song and knowing that someone was thinking of Cayden, made my day....Thanks Holly B! I have now added the song to the top of my playlist.

Oh, I forgot to mention my "Godwink" that happened to me over memorial day weekend when I was in VT visiting my family.

In case anyone reading this doesn't know what a Godwink is, I am going to give a quick description from my friend Holly's blog page. What is a Godwink? (answered by SQuire Rushnell) A Godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

Well, I had just walked outside to go see my kiddos riding their dirt bikes...suddenly I realized that there was about 4-6 beautiful yellow butterflies flying right around me. Butterflies have always been a favorite of mine, but since losing Cayden they mean so much more. Well, my dad's house has a lot of land so as I was walking down to the field, 1 of the butterflies stayed right with me. I had my camera and tried to get a picture of it, but was unsuccessful. The butterfly followed me all the way down to where the kids were riding and stuck around for quite a long time....it really made my heart smile. Last June when I was in VT visiting my family another time, I had a similar thing happen to me. It was an all white butterfly and it was so beautiful. I remember at that time I couldn't even believe it had followed me and hung around for quite a long time, so when it happened again last weekend, I knew it was a "Godwink." I wish I had them more often! I just love my Godwinks!

16 months has gone by...I still have my good days and I still have my bad days. I still miss Cayden and would give anything to have him in my arms again. I know somethings will never change no matter how much time goes by.

Mama loves you Cayden.

A Few Simple Words

As I sit here tonight, I am sad.

Cayden is not here with me and
my life is not the same without him...
I miss him more then I could ever possibly put into words on this blog.

I feel sad for all the new moms that I have come to know who are pregnant with a baby who is not going to live long or who have already lost their precious child.

Lately I have been hearing heartbreaking stories all the time on the news about a mom who has killed her child/children.
I always think....Life is too short already.
Who are we to chose when our child should die?
I find it hard to hear these things without falling apart,
it breaks my heart.

I heard from a mom today who is 17 weeks pregnant with a baby with anencephaly. My heart was so sad for her, but I smiled when I read that she chose to carry her baby to term. It seems like I don't hear that very often. I look back now and honestly can't imagine it any other way. Yes, it was hard and some days I felt like I couldn't go on, but I did and the 3 days I had with Cayden mean the world to me. I am honored to have been the mom to such a strong willed, little fighter.

I still struggle now with trying to live a normal life after losing Cayden. People are always saying something that seems to upset me. I feel like I can never put my guard down. I can't tell you how many times I wish that I'd had a copy with me of the: what friends and family can do page I have listed on my blog.
Most of the time I hold it in and then come home upset and vent to Ryan. I think that I have come to realize that people just don't understand unless they have been through it, which I don't wish on anyone. But I also have to protect my heart too, so I have been hanging out and doing lots of bonding with Carter these days ;-)

I remember quite a few years back...
I think I only had Anthony at the time and my cousin had a baby.
I got the call from someone in my family that her baby was stillborn.
I cried for her and remember thinking how terrible it must have been.
Someone had told me that she kept the baby in the room with her for over a day and that she bathed her and dressed her and took pictures of her before the funeral home came and got her.
Many people in my family were disgusted by it and said how morbid it was. I admit, that I agreed with them.
Now that I have been through a similar experience, I can't believe I ever thought that way.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sure my family and friends said things about me and Cayden too. They don't understand and they never will.
What may seem morbid and gross to other people, was the only memories I have with my baby. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks and loved him with everything in me...just as my cousin did.
After all these years have gone by, I feel the need to tell her what an amazing mom she is and how sorry I am about her little girl.

It is so easy to judge being an outsider....
but losing a child is something that doesn't ever go away and the grief can be hard to live with...
so please think a little and try to put yourself in their shoes before you judge or before you try to say something you think may sound right.
A mom who has lost a child has a heavy heart and is longing for her child she lost and sometimes the weight of everyone around her can make life seem unbearable....
Reach out and tell her that you are there and that you love her...
A few simple words can mean a lot.


I miss you and love you Cayden.

15 months

Cayden would have been 15 months today...yet another month has passed me by.
I still miss him him as much as I did the night he left us.
I love thinking back to the time we had together.
I remember being pregnant and being so scared of the unknown.
I was scared of what he was going to look like and how Ryan and I were going to handle everything. I was so scared of everything actually.
But looking back now, I had nothing to be scared of and I wish I could tell all Moms in this situation that it is normal to fear the unknown, but trust in your heart that no matter what, you are going to love your baby with everything in you no matter what he/she looks like.
When the nurse handed Cayden to me, I thought... he is so beautiful, what was I scared of?? And once we put his little hat on, he looked like nothing was wrong, it actually hurt more because every other part of him was absolutely perfect.
I was going to try not to get all emotional tonight, but I can't promise anything these days.

I am really feeling like the second year has been just as hard, if not harder than the first year. I know we are only 3 months into the second year without Cayden, but it feels more real.
The first year was so overwhelming. I was so devastated by losing Cayden and still trying to care for a newborn and 2 other kids plus we had a huge move.
I was seriously floating along day to day.
I feel more stable now, but not having him feels so permanent.
The memories we made with Cayden, seem so far away...some days I feel like I am literally grasping to what little bit I have left of him. I hate that feeling.

Then there are days when I get an email from another mom who found my blog and needs support and it just reminds me that he is not slipping away...he is ALWAYS right there.

A few days ago, I was giving Carter a bath when Lexy came running inside from playing and hands me a pile of mail and says" Mom, there is even a package today!"
Who isn't excited to get a package? ;-)
When I saw the return label said My Forever Child, I was so excited!
My first piece of jewelry in remembrance of Cayden had arrived and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! I got my my bracelet that I won on Holly's blog (Caring for Carleigh). It has Cayden's footprints engraved on it and it says his name and birth date. I have worn it everyday since I got it. I can't thank Holly enough. She truly made my heart smile when it really needed it! I feel like a part of him is with me everyday now.
( I highly recommend going to MyForeverChild.com and seeing all the beautiful stuff they have to remember your child.)

No matter if 1 month, 15 months, or 5 years have gone by, I will always miss Cayden.
I will be watching Carter do something new, wondering if Cayden would be doing the same thing. No matter how much time has gone by, the hole in my heart will never be filled.
15 months later and I am still trying to figure out how to live without him. I can handle alot of things in life, but losing my child and all the dreams we had for him has been a very difficult thing to handle. Our little boy couldn't be more loved, I just pray that he feels and knows the love we had and still have for him.

I miss you so so much Cayden.

Incomplete

I know I have said many times that some days are better or easier than others. These days it seems as if I get through the days ok because I stay so busy, but nighttime has always been and still remains to be the hardest for me. Once all the kids are in bed and the house is quiet, it allows me to fall apart. And 15 months later....I still do fall apart quite often. I have my moments during the day too, it is just not as often as it used to be. Yesterday was one of those moments during the day...

Lexy and I were driving home and we are sitting at a red light. She looks out her window and sees a grave yard.

She says " Mom, doesn't it make you sad when you see a graveyard and think about all the people that have died?"

I say" yes Lex, of course it does."

Then she says" Is Cayden in that graveyard right there?"

I feel myself choking back the tears and trying to think of answers to what questions are about to come.
I tell her, "no honey, Cayden is at home on his table."

She seems confused, I tell her again that he was cremated. Then she says, "what does cremated mean?"

At this point I am crying and trying to hold myself together so I can re-explain to my baby girl what happened to her baby brother.

I had already explained to the kids when I was pregnant what we were doing with Cayden after he passed away and why, but I am assuming that Lexy was too little and just didn't quite understand and now that she is almost 7, she is wanting to know more.

The conversation was a very hard one to get through. I explained to her what cremating meant and why we chose to do it. She asked if I wanted to be cremated too and then asked me what she would do if I died too because then she wouldn't have a Mommy or a baby brother anymore. My heart broke as she was talking. She is so mature for her age and everything that happened has really made her grow up so much more. I thought of the conversation I would like to be having with her instead and wishing Cayden was still alive and with us.
If he was, she wouldn't know the depth of pain like she does now and she wouldn't think to ask the questions she was asking.
If he was.... we wouldn't have to be having this talk.
I was longing for the days when life was so carefree and losing one of your children seemed like something that could never happen to you.

I am reminded that no conversation we have will ever be the same again. We are not like other families anymore driving in the car talking about the birds and the bees.
Losing someone that you love so much leaves such an empty place in your life.
Our lives were forever changed by my special little boy. His brother and sister love him so much it is so amazing to me. The bond that they made with him is so strong and it has truly made them stronger kids. To say that I am proud of them would be an understatement.

I love my kids so much....all 4 of them.
And if I could take their pain away, I would.
I would never turn back time and erase what happened because Cayden was such an amazing child and I love him with all my heart...
I would just make it so that he could have stayed with us....
I would make it so my kids smiles were back on their faces like the day I told them that we were having twins....
their first reaction was.. one for each of us to take care of!
They were so excited and happy and filled with joy.
I would give anything to give them that again.
The feeling of being complete...
We are forever missing a part of us.

I love you Cayden Ryan.

International Babylost Mother's Day

Today was International Babylost Mother's Day.

I wanted to let all the Moms know that I thought of you all today and said a little prayer.
It is such a beautiful day, but such a sad day too.
I wish we didn't have to have a day like this, but we do, so therefore I am am thankful that today was a special Mother's Day for mothers like myself who have lost one of our precious children.
Carley Dudley from Names in the Sand created this special day and I think she is such an amazing woman and mom for all that she does in memory of her son she lost and for all she does for all of us too.

I hope through the tears and sorrow, all of the moms were able to find a little bit of sunshine in their day today, because you all deserved it!

Thank you for being part of my life and sharing part of you with me.

I love you Cayden Ryan.