Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Praying for a brighter tomorrow

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you honestly do not know how much more you can handle? Well, I am at that point right now. (this is going to be a long one!)

My family has had a pretty bad start to the new year. My oldest son Anthony was beat up in school a few weeks ago. Being a mother, this was such a horrible phone call to get. I was so upset and angry, I had to have Ryan drive me to the school because I couldn't drive myself. My son was flipped out of his chair backwards in the lunchroom (and could have been paralyzed) and then punched in the head numerous times. We have decided to press charges on the other child, but with that comes alot of stress at a very hard time( Cayden's angelversary is right around the corner). note to all ----> this is the other child's 6th fight of the year and he had already threatened Anthony in October to punch him in the face and break his nose.
I felt that if the school doesn't want to put a stop to this child's behavior than somebody has to.

The very next day we were on our way to the police department to pick up the police report, when we hit some black ice, went sliding off the road, hitting a sign (which caused lots of damage to Ryan's truck) and ending up buried in a foot of snow with a very large tree inches from my window. Now at that point, I was feeling so many emotions again cause I had realized that thankfully, everyone is safe.... very shaken up, but the keyword is safe. Our truck is smashed, but I know that it can fixed. I also know that God was watching over us at that moment because the very large tree inches from my window could have killed us all.

So, a week has gone by and I am trying so hard to hold myself together for my children. I keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Well, this past Sunday we decide to take the kids sledding in the afternoon before the football game starts. Ryan, Carter, and myself are at the bottom of the very big hill in our neighborhood watching Ant and Lexy have too much fun when suddenly we see Ant's sled go flying over the bank and hit a tree. I scream to him, "we are coming, are you ok?"and he sits up and screams "help". Wow, another one of those moments where I felt like I was going to be sick. Ryan and I both took off running up the big hill, Ant was sitting there saying he couldn't feel his arms and he had blacked out. We went back to the car, dropped off Ryan and the other kiddos at home and Ant and I headed to the ER. They checked him out and said he had a mild concussion and to keep a close eye on him for a few days. Wow, another moment when I know, God must have been watching over us.

With all that being said, I woke up Monday morning so sick. I have no voice whatsoever and feel like I am swallowing glass when I swallow. We have court tomorrow and I have no idea how I am going to talk with no voice. I am so exhausted. In 10 days it will be one year since Cayden left us to go to Heaven. I miss my baby boy so much! My hands long to hold him, my lips long to kiss him, and this emptiness in my life longs to be filled by him. I know life has continued for everyone around us, but my life will forever be incomplete. No matter what smile I have upon my face or laughter that slips out from time to time, deep inside..... my heart is broken and can never be be healed.
I feel like I have this need to go above and beyond to protect my children since losing Cayden. It has always been there, but it is now so much stronger! I think I was so blind to things before losing Cayden.
Tomorrow, I will forgot about my sickness and be Anthony's strongest voice in that courtroom.
I tried my hardest to protect Cayden for the 35 weeks I carried him and I tried to give him everything I could during his short time with us. I can only hope that he knows how much I love him and will never let him be forgotten.
I will continue to do everything it takes to protect his brothers and sister that are still here with me now. My children are my everything..... The reason I go on....I love my 4 children with everything in me....
if only my love could have saved Cayden.

I am praying for a brighter tomorrow.

Mama wishes you were here Cayden, I love you.


  1. Love did save him...God's love. The amazing thing is that he knows both your love and God's love to the fullest measure. I know that doesn't help you heart, I know. Thinking of you in these tough, Stacy

  2. Gosh, there's just been so much lately. I hope that this is the end of it and things will get better. You certainly don't need all of this on top of Cayden's birthday coming up.