Wow, It feels like just yesterday I was writing for the 10 month birthday. Today was a good day. The counselor came to talk to the kids. We made collages with sayings that reminded us of Cayden. It felt so good doing this. The kids loved doing it too. It really helps them to get out those feelings that they keep locked up inside (especially Anthony).
We also talked about how the one year birthday and angelversary are right around the corner. We decided together as a family that on February 4th we will celebrate Carter and Cayden's birthday with 2 cakes and Ant suggested releasing one balloon that says Happy Birthday Cayden on it. Then on February 6th we will go to the beach and write his name in the sand and release balloons from each of us with a note on them. It is going to be the hardest day, I can already feel it.
I asked the counselor if it is wrong that I don't want to have a big party for Carter? I feel so guilty. But this is going to be such a hard time with happiness and sadness all at once. I don't feel like putting on a big fake smile for everyone when I am going to be hurting so bad on the inside. This has been such a hard road, it still amazes me how fast the time is going by. It feels like I was just at the hospital with my two precious baby boys in my arms. I wonder if he can hear me when I talk to him? If he knows how much we miss him? Carter got really fussy today while the counselor was here and she said, "I bet you that he knows what we are doing.... Twins are connected. It made my heart happy, but sad too. I just wish Cayden could have lived and was still here with us. I would love to see how crazy my life would be. I would love every minute of it! I have to trust in God's plan. I know we will be together again someday in heaven. Until then, I will continue to miss him more everyday and remember the feel of his soft skin.
Happy 11 month birthday baby boy! Your Mama loves you so much.
And the dance of grief and joy continues...that must be so hard to find the balance. praying...
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