Thursday, January 13, 2011

Not sure what it will take to get me through it

I have been wanting to write all week, but have not been able to. We have had the worst start to the new year. I have been trying so hard to prepare myself for the boys birthday (that is only 3 weeks away now) and for some reason bad things keep happening to my family and I truly don't know how much more I can handle.

I am not sure if this past year has finally caught up with me. I just keep thinking about how quick this past year has gone by that I have had to live without Cayden.... and it is breaking my heart.
I think I have tried so hard to be so strong through all this. I kept my pain to myself and tried to help my kids get through it all without showing them how much I was hurting. It is a Moms instinct to protect her kids, regardless of the situation. So I always waited until I was alone to fall apart. Don't get me wrong, my kids have seen my cry for Cayden and they know how much I wish he was here with us, but they have not seen me fall apart after they are asleep at night. This whole journey has been so painful, but right now I feel a pain that I can't describe, almost like the day he passed away.

I remember a year ago this month, I was still pregnant and feeling both of my boys do somersaults in my tummy. I was so anxious to meet them both and so scared of the unknown. I look back and wish Cayden was still alive and still full of life inside me. To think of celebrating Carter's birthday without him seems so unfair and so wrong. How can such a happy day be so heartbreaking at the same time? How do you get through it knowing that Cayden should be here too? I am just dreading the day and wish I felt different. I wish I could pull myself together and just get through it, but the truth is, I don't want to. I close my eyes and can picture them both here together, the way it should be. Ripping open gifts, eating their first cake and smashing it to bits( Daddy's favorite part) but when I open my eyes, my reality hits and Cayden is not with hurts.

I have one more thing I want to share that really touched my heart today.
I was up early this morning before any of the kids and I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee when I heard a noise down the hall. I went to see which of the kids was up. I realized after walking past Lexy's room that she was talking in her sleep so I stopped and listened. She said, Yeah! then there was a pause and a huge smile appeared on her face and then she mumbled something. I laughed and walked away. She woke up about 10 minutes later and came out of her room and said " Mama, I just had the best dream." I said "you did? what was it about?" she said "Cayden, he came back! The angels brought him to me!" Well to say that it tore me to pieces is putting it lightly.

The kids miss him so much, it kills me. I wish I could change things. I wish I could make Lexy's dream come true. I just try to keep his memory alive and hope I am doing everything a mother can do to help them get through this.
I am praying for a whole lot of strength to get me through these next couple of weeks.

Mama loves you Cayden!

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