Thanksgiving has come and gone... I was unable to write on the blog for the past week due to being in an area that had no Internet. I survived the day better than I thought I would, but I was saddened that Cayden was never brought up by any of my family. I spoke to Ant and Lexy about being thankful that he was part of our family and how he was looking down on us and with us in our hearts. I really didn't know how to be around everyone. I was so sad that he wasn't here with us, but didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable so I kept it to myself. I feel kind of relieved that we will be home for Christmas where we can all cry together. I don't expect people to feel like I do, obviously it is going to affect me the most since I was his mother, but I think it hurt more not speaking his name then if someone would have.
I was finally able to get in touch with a grief counselor in the area. She is coming out to our house next week. I think that I pushed it to the side for too long and we all need it so much! The kids are affected so much more than they show. Anthony shuts you out and doesn't like to talk about it ( this is his way of dealing with it) and Lexy talks about Cayden non-stop and draws him about 20 pictures and letters a day. In almost every picture she draws, she is holding Cayden. I think that is because she always says she regrets that she didn't hold him while he was alive. It is amazing the love that she has for him!
I know that I am getting off track a little, but I must say that everywhere I go or everyone I talk to...... twins! I try to swallow hard and smile, but it gets hard sometimes. It hurts! It feels unfair! I want to know what that would be like, but I never will. I want Carter to be growing up with his brother. I think sometimes that people think I should be better now, but I will NEVER be better! I will be reminded for the rest of Carters life, every milestone Cayden WON'T be here for....birthdays, first day of kindergarten, graduation, etc.. I know some days will come easier than others, but I will always be a mother who lost a son. I will never see Cayden learn to walk or talk, go to college, or get married. My dreams for him were taken away from me. That hurts! I have come to realize that the only people who truly understand are the other Moms who have lost a child too. I am learning to live the life of a grieving mother. Trust me it's not fun. The smile that most see on my face everyday isn't real, but I do whatever it takes for my other children. I have been asked quite a few times if I have stopped trying to be someone else and allowed myself time? I don't think I have. I am scared to let that happen. I take time each night to cry for Cayden after everyone is asleep. I hope that is enough, I can't let myself go, I have so many people to be strong for. I just wish that he was here with us now..during the holidays when things are supposed to be joyous! Mama misses and loves you Cayden!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
sleep....what's that?
So, here I am in much need of some sleep. I went to bed at 2 this morning and 6:30 came quick. Lately, I have not been able to sleep. I stay up half the night on the computer. Some nights I will be reading every ones blogs other nights I will be looking at my pictures from the pregnancy and birth and listening to the songs we played at the service. If I try to go to sleep I just lay there with a thousand thoughts. I feel like there is so much I want to say to everyone...I feel like there is something that I should be doing to keep Caydens memory alive and I just haven't figured out what it is yet.
My thoughts are always going....
Just the other day, the kids wanted to start writing a Christmas list. They were writing away for quite awhile, but when dinner was ready I told them to put up the papers and come to the table. Later that night after everyone was in bed, I was cleaning up the living room. I found Lexy's list and picked it up to read it. There was only 2 things written on the paper. I felt myself trying to hold back the tears as I read:
Lexy's Christmas List
1. computer
2. Cayden
That was all that was on the paper. It broke my heart. She had been over on the couch writing for quite awhile while I cooked and those were the only 2 things she could think of to write. I immediately started wondering what my poor daughters thoughts were as she sat on our couch writing a list that most kids would have made a mile long with toys. It's so sad. This Christmas is going to be so hard. My fridge is covered with pictures with Caydens name all over them that Lexy draws everyday. Cayden's table has a drawer that is full of letters and pictures that Lexy has written to him. It really is amazing how much Lexy misses and loves her baby brother. It is so beautiful, yet so sad. As I sat here writing..I am suddenly at loss of words...
My thoughts are always going....
Just the other day, the kids wanted to start writing a Christmas list. They were writing away for quite awhile, but when dinner was ready I told them to put up the papers and come to the table. Later that night after everyone was in bed, I was cleaning up the living room. I found Lexy's list and picked it up to read it. There was only 2 things written on the paper. I felt myself trying to hold back the tears as I read:
Lexy's Christmas List
1. computer
2. Cayden
That was all that was on the paper. It broke my heart. She had been over on the couch writing for quite awhile while I cooked and those were the only 2 things she could think of to write. I immediately started wondering what my poor daughters thoughts were as she sat on our couch writing a list that most kids would have made a mile long with toys. It's so sad. This Christmas is going to be so hard. My fridge is covered with pictures with Caydens name all over them that Lexy draws everyday. Cayden's table has a drawer that is full of letters and pictures that Lexy has written to him. It really is amazing how much Lexy misses and loves her baby brother. It is so beautiful, yet so sad. As I sat here writing..I am suddenly at loss of words...
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
hurting for and helping others
Tonight has been a tough night. I was trying to get caught up on some emails when I suddenly came across one that caught my attention. It was a link to a newspaper article about a woman in NC who just recently gave birth to a daughter that had anencephaly. I sat here for the past hour reading article after article and looking at all of these pictures of this beautiful, amazing family. It broke my heart! It also brought back every memory and feeling of that day 9 and 1/2 months ago. When I was told last September that baby b had anencephaly, I had no idea what it was, I couldn't spell it or pronounce it, now I find it hard to believe how many babies are diagnosed with it and how many families I have met who have lost or are losing a baby with anencephaly.
I wish I could tell all of these woman that I have met, befriended online, or read about how amazing they are...they chose to give their baby life and every child deserves that. I know it is every woman's choice and some may not agree with me, but after going through what I did, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I created lifelong memories with Cayden that I will cherish for the rest of my time. I have no regrets with the choice I made. I find peace in offering my support to woman who are now going through what I have been through. It feels so good inside to know that I can help them and answer any questions they may have or just be someone who understands. I have been there and felt how they feel. It can be scary. My heart breaks for all of these families.
I feel that lump in my throat where it feel so hard to swallow...the tears are uncontrollable. I would give anything to have changed what happened in my life(only losing Cayden), but I couldn't change it and I still can't, so I have to grow from it. I was given Cayden for a reason. He has made me a better person and taught me so much about this life. I will continue to miss my baby boy everyday....that will never stop on this side of Heaven, but my goal is to also continue to reach out to other moms going through the hardest decision any mom can make.
I miss you and love you Cayden!
I wish I could tell all of these woman that I have met, befriended online, or read about how amazing they are...they chose to give their baby life and every child deserves that. I know it is every woman's choice and some may not agree with me, but after going through what I did, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I created lifelong memories with Cayden that I will cherish for the rest of my time. I have no regrets with the choice I made. I find peace in offering my support to woman who are now going through what I have been through. It feels so good inside to know that I can help them and answer any questions they may have or just be someone who understands. I have been there and felt how they feel. It can be scary. My heart breaks for all of these families.
I feel that lump in my throat where it feel so hard to swallow...the tears are uncontrollable. I would give anything to have changed what happened in my life(only losing Cayden), but I couldn't change it and I still can't, so I have to grow from it. I was given Cayden for a reason. He has made me a better person and taught me so much about this life. I will continue to miss my baby boy everyday....that will never stop on this side of Heaven, but my goal is to also continue to reach out to other moms going through the hardest decision any mom can make.
I miss you and love you Cayden!
Monday, November 8, 2010
"New Normal"
I was just sitting here thinking as I listen to the silence in my house. I was wishing so much that I could see Cayden again. I would love to know what he looks like now. Is he a 9 month old baby, is he playing with other babies? How can you not wonder? As long as he is in Heaven and I am here on Earth, I will always wonder and wish that I could know what he is doing. My heart really hurts right now...I wonder what my life would be like if I could have Cayden here. There would be no tears of pain and sadness, it would be so great. The rest of my life without my baby feels like such a long time!
If you asked me 10 years ago what my future looked like, I would have told you, well I really want to have 4 kids, but I would be happy with 3. That is the thing...too many people take children for granted, they never think it will happen to them....but as I look back...all of the signs were there. I remember telling Ryan when we talked about having a third child, " I really want another baby, but is it bad of me to want more when we have 2 healthy children already? Should I be happy with what we have? WOW, it really is scary to think that I said that. Then at my 8 week (first appt) when the Dr told me..."wait, hold on, there is 2 in there." I didn't believe him, I said,"yea right!" He went on to have a long talk with me. He told me that it may be overwhelming, scary, and exciting all at once, but in all reality twins is very scary because it is so high risk and the result isn't always two babies in the end. WOW! Was that a sign or what?
5 weeks later, I was told there was something wrong with baby b's head. The fear and overwhelming sadness I felt that day is embedded in me forever! At 17 weeks it was confirmed that baby b had anencephaly and would not live outside my womb. The words of that Dr telling me that his condition was incompatible with life will forever be etched in my head.
I came across this article the other day and wanted to share it:
What is Normal??
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize that someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act or feeling more comfortable at a funeral than at a wedding...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers or see a casket.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs or why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the tv on the minute you walk into the house for the noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is starring at babies ( in my case..my own baby) who look like they are my babies age and wondering if that is what my baby would look like and be doing.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it was an everyday activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing that it has become part of my "Normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really!
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the service is over, everyone else goes on with their life, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to lose your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing that I DO cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals or bodies, when you know they were someones loved one.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying (which I do A LOT) sharing how you feel with online buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in Australia, Canada, England, and all over the USA, but yet never have met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because...."
I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people try to think up excuses as to why babies are taken from this earth are not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering whether this time you are going to say you have four children, or three, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. And yet when you say that you have three children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.
Normal is knowing that I will never get over this loss, in a day or in a million years.
and last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become your "new normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
~author unknown
After my last post and me trying to figure out my "new normal", when I came across this, it was so right on, I had to share it because this is my...new normal. and after meeting my little man and getting the 3 days with him that I was given...I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything!
I was the lucky one who was chosen to carry these two amazing boys. If only I could have carried them forever! I love you Cayden!
If you asked me 10 years ago what my future looked like, I would have told you, well I really want to have 4 kids, but I would be happy with 3. That is the thing...too many people take children for granted, they never think it will happen to them....but as I look back...all of the signs were there. I remember telling Ryan when we talked about having a third child, " I really want another baby, but is it bad of me to want more when we have 2 healthy children already? Should I be happy with what we have? WOW, it really is scary to think that I said that. Then at my 8 week (first appt) when the Dr told me..."wait, hold on, there is 2 in there." I didn't believe him, I said,"yea right!" He went on to have a long talk with me. He told me that it may be overwhelming, scary, and exciting all at once, but in all reality twins is very scary because it is so high risk and the result isn't always two babies in the end. WOW! Was that a sign or what?
5 weeks later, I was told there was something wrong with baby b's head. The fear and overwhelming sadness I felt that day is embedded in me forever! At 17 weeks it was confirmed that baby b had anencephaly and would not live outside my womb. The words of that Dr telling me that his condition was incompatible with life will forever be etched in my head.
I came across this article the other day and wanted to share it:
What is Normal??
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize that someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act or feeling more comfortable at a funeral than at a wedding...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers or see a casket.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs or why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the tv on the minute you walk into the house for the noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is starring at babies ( in my case..my own baby) who look like they are my babies age and wondering if that is what my baby would look like and be doing.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it was an everyday activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing that it has become part of my "Normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really!
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the service is over, everyone else goes on with their life, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to lose your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing that I DO cry everyday.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals or bodies, when you know they were someones loved one.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying (which I do A LOT) sharing how you feel with online buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in Australia, Canada, England, and all over the USA, but yet never have met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because...."
I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people try to think up excuses as to why babies are taken from this earth are not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering whether this time you are going to say you have four children, or three, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. And yet when you say that you have three children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.
Normal is knowing that I will never get over this loss, in a day or in a million years.
and last of all...
Normal is hiding all the things that have become your "new normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".
~author unknown
After my last post and me trying to figure out my "new normal", when I came across this, it was so right on, I had to share it because this is my...new normal. and after meeting my little man and getting the 3 days with him that I was given...I wouldn't trade my new normal for anything!
I was the lucky one who was chosen to carry these two amazing boys. If only I could have carried them forever! I love you Cayden!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Happy 9 month birthday!
I will start by wishing both of my sweet boys a happy 9 month birthday. The months seem to be going by quicker. It seems like I was just on here writing for their 8 month birthday.
I really had a hard time taking Carter to the dr today. I was wishing so much that Cayden was going too. After Carters shots were done the dr said,"we will see you back at Carters 1 year old check up visit," suddenly it hit me....wow, time really is going by too fast! This time last year my kids still didn't know that our lives were about to change forever, both of my boys were still competing for room inside me and I was trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness, but knowing we were going to lose one of our babies.
Now, I find myself a year later, trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness after losing Cayden. Christmas is my favorite time of the year! I just love it so much, but now I am wondering how I am going to get through it. I know that I will put on my happy face for my children no matter how badly I am hurting inside!
I think that I have come to realize that the old me is gone. The day I lost Cayden, I left her behind and now I am just trying to piece the rest of it all together. There is a "new normal" in our lives. We will never go back to the "normal" we knew before. There will always be something missing from our life, the good days and the bad days will always come and go, and in the end the pain of not having Cayden here with us will always hurt so bad.
I love my kids so much, I was so excited to raise two more little boys and all my hopes and dreams for them were taken from me...I miss my Cayden. Mommy loves you for always.
I really had a hard time taking Carter to the dr today. I was wishing so much that Cayden was going too. After Carters shots were done the dr said,"we will see you back at Carters 1 year old check up visit," suddenly it hit me....wow, time really is going by too fast! This time last year my kids still didn't know that our lives were about to change forever, both of my boys were still competing for room inside me and I was trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness, but knowing we were going to lose one of our babies.
Now, I find myself a year later, trying to approach the holidays with some kind of happiness after losing Cayden. Christmas is my favorite time of the year! I just love it so much, but now I am wondering how I am going to get through it. I know that I will put on my happy face for my children no matter how badly I am hurting inside!
I think that I have come to realize that the old me is gone. The day I lost Cayden, I left her behind and now I am just trying to piece the rest of it all together. There is a "new normal" in our lives. We will never go back to the "normal" we knew before. There will always be something missing from our life, the good days and the bad days will always come and go, and in the end the pain of not having Cayden here with us will always hurt so bad.
I love my kids so much, I was so excited to raise two more little boys and all my hopes and dreams for them were taken from me...I miss my Cayden. Mommy loves you for always.
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