These shoes

I have been avoiding lots of people and things lately to protect my heart. I had a feeling that this was coming, but I really hoped it wouldn't. It just seemed as if everywhere I turned, I was being hurt by others words and my heart couldn't take much more. I am grieving for my baby boy that was taken from us too soon. It has only been 18 months, but for some reason, people think that is a long time and I should be "over it." But I will never be over it. I will go on and learn to live my life with my broken heart, but I will NEVER get over it.

I know a girl that lives a few streets over from me. I have spoken of her in previous blog posts...she is pregnant with twins and everyone, including her likes to talk to me about her and her babies. Well, She delivered her healthy, twin baby boys yesterday. I wish I could be happy for her, but I would be lying if I said that I am. My heart was actually hurting so bad and for the first time in a long time, I asked God.. why was she able to keep her boys, but I wasn't?? Why is she a happy, proud mommy without a worry in the world, while I sit here everyday, wishing I could kiss my baby boy one more time. I ran into a friend of both of ours yesterday and she had to tell me about the girl delivering her boys and how they are all doing...I just nodded and didn't even say a word..I couldn't be fake and put on my happy face..it just wasn't possible. how can people not realize what they are saying? Last night I posted a quote on facebook that I read last week on anencephaly.info and today I received an apology email from the girl. I guess it took me posting something for her to realize what she had said, hurt me. I accepted her apology, but feel like I need a break from everyone around me. I feel like just when I am having a good day, someone pushes me back down. These people don't understand what it feels like to have your child die... A piece of you goes with them. Your life is not the same.

I want to share what I posted on facebook last night...

I am wearing a pair of shoes. they are ugly shoes. uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair. some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. yet I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. they are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad that they are my shoes and not theirs. they never talk about my shoes. to learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. to truly understand these shoes, you must walk in them. but once you put them on.. you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. there are many pairs in this world. some woman are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

This really touched me when I first read it. The words just put it simply for others to understand what we are going through.

I can honestly say that in these shoes, I know true happiness and sorrow... all mixed together now. These shoes have changed me so much. I can be smiling and laughing one second and crying the next. I know a whole new meaning to yearn for someone and miss them so deeply and I know a whole new meaning of "love." While wearing these painful shoes, I can still feel happiness everytime I hold Carter and hug and kiss him..

Although I agree that my shoes hurt and bring me so much pain... I wouldn't want any other shoes because that would mean that I wouldn't be Cayden's mama... I miss my sweet boy and love him so much <3

The first step to understanding

I think I have told everyone about Cayden's memorial table in our living room. It has his urn on it, fresh flowers, my favorite picture of him, a digital picture frame with all of our pictures with him, a picture of all 4 of the kids, my angel candle and my twin willow tree figures.

Well, Carter is at that busy age where he gets into everything and I knew it was going to happen eventually....yesterday, he pushed a step stool up to the table and was pointing at everything yelling "Mom." I rushed over to the table and leaned down to him, I told him that it was Cayden's table and not to touch...just look. He wanted the picture of Cayden really bad so I handed it to him...well, he leaned over and kissed the picture... I couldn't believe it. It was so sweet, but so sad. He handed the picture frame back to me and sat on the step stool and watched the digital picture frame for about 2 minutes. He kept pointing and yelling, "Mom." Now, he is doing it everyday. He is so gentle and actually listens when I tell him not to touch. That is amazing to me since he is only 18 months old. I swear it is like he knows. It was also very sad and hard for me cause it is just a reminder that this is how Carter will know Cayden for the rest of his life, when what I would give anything for, would be to have them growing up together.

I also took a picture of Cayden's chest. I know Holly asked me what it looks like awhile back. In the chest is everything of Cayden's and I can not go in the chest without falling apart. It sits in the living room right next to his table.

I came across a poem the other day and it really rings true to how I feel sometimes, so I wanted to share it.

The Mask

I have a face I put in place, It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see, The way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light, just cloudy, darkness, endless nights.

I no longer see the sun, I laugh, but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day, I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me, I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no heart to fill with joy, I lost it when I lost my boy.

The future is so bleak to me, I choose to not let others see.

So when people stop to ask, I hide behind my smiling mask.

written by: Dianna J. Brendle

Although, Ryan and my 3 kids that are here with me still bring me so much joy, I still feel this way a lot. I am still hurting so much inside and miss Cayden so much, but I put on my different face for everyone else so that they don't feel uncomfortable around me. I am glad that Carter is getting old enough for me to start talking to him about Cayden, but I wish my little boys were chasing each other around instead. I wish I didn't know the true depth of pain and heartache... I wish more than anything that I was sitting here tonight typing this with Cayden in my arms..

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden <3

Happy Heavenly 18 months birthday

Yesterday was 18 months since I gave birth to 2 of the most amazing boys and tomorrow will be 18 months since Cayden passed away. I normally try to post a happy monthly birthday to my little angel in heaven, but I laid in bed last night feeling guilty for not doing so. I was exhausted. Carter had his 18 month checkup and shots and it was a long day.

I thought of Cayden so much yesterday throughout the day. As I sat in the room at the Dr office, I wished Cayden could be there too. My heart was heavy. I thought back to the day the boys were born while I was driving and I just cried. It feels good to cry for Cayden. I miss him so much.

I came across a little note that I wanted to share;

When we lose our child that we love so much, it seems that time stands still. What moves through us is a silence, a sadness, A longing for one more day, one more word, one more touch, We may not understand why they left this earth so soon, or why they left before we were ready to say goodbye, but little by little, we begin to remember not just that they died, but that they lived. And that their life gave us memories too beautiful to forget. We will see you again someday, in Heaven, where there is no parting. A place where there are no words that mean good-bye.

When I found out that Cayden had anencephaly and he would not live long, I couldn't imagine how my life would go on after losing my child. Now here I am 18 months later. I miss my little boy with everything in me, but through all of my pain and heartache, I truly feel blessed. I was chosen to carry 2 boys and it was the most amazing experience. Now, I carry one of my boys in my arms and his twin brother, I carry in my heart.

Carter is an amazing little soul who I love to watch grow everyday. I see so much of Cayden when I look at him. He has the biggest heart ever and loves his family so much. He would give us kisses all day if he could. It has been such a hard journey trying to divide the happiness and sadness as we have watched him grow. We love him so much, but feel so incomplete without Cayden. I am certain that this will always be how it is...

Happy Heavenly 18 months Birthday Cayden... Mama misses you and loves you so much xoxo