Life happenings and then some

This is a post that I started writing 2 weeks ago...I couldn't pull myself together to finish writing it and of course since that day.... "life" has happened.

I think I have finally come to realize a lot of things these past couple of weeks. One of them is that I really have not been able to move forward since losing Cayden. When I say move forward, I do not in any way mean leaving him behind. I mean accepting what happened, realize Cayden is safe and pain free in Heaven and learn to live in my "new normal". I think part of me has been scared to do all of the above, in fear that, it will mean, I am leaving Cayden behind. But the truth is....Cayden will never be left behind. He is so much a part of everything we do. He is everywhere we are and ALWAYS in my heart. He is what I think of with every flower.. every butterfly.. every snowflake...every thought. I have realized that I need to let go of this guilt that I hold onto...I say this, with tears pouring down my face.

When the boys birthday came and Cayden's angel*versary, I was brought to my knees with such an unbearable pain. I was able to see that I have been going day to day, month to month for the past year, just barely getting though it. Floating along the river of grief. I know in some ways this is normal after losing your child, but I also know that Cayden knows he will never be left behind or forgotten. Every time I look at his twin brother.... I think of him.
I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful and amazing children here on Earth with me. They are my everything. Everything they say and do helps put a smile upon my face. They never let a day go by without speaking Cayden's name. He is always with us.

I have looked back on this past year and it all seems like a dream.
Will someone please wake me up now??
I honestly do not know how we have survived all the heartache and pain. I honestly cannot believe that my precious baby boy died. He should be here with us now. Trying to walk and talk. Clap and wave. kiss and hug. All these things that I am watching Carter do just makes me long for Cayden even more.

Since I wrote this post, I had my sister and her family here with us for a week and my whole family came down with a stomach bug. Every single one of us! Like a chain reaction, got sick within hours of each other. It was terrible.

I found out a week ago that a woman that I had just recently met committed suicide. She lived a few streets over from me. In case anyone reading this doesn't know us very well, we live in housing on a military base. This lady worked on base and was well loved by so many people. She was married to a chief in the Coast Guard and had 2teenage children. When I heard the news...I was in shock. After losing Cayden, death hits so close to home no matter what the circumstance...life is too short already, why would anyone want to take their own life? I know that is a question only she knows, but I wish I could have told her how precious her life was and how many people she was going to leave behind with a broken heart...so sad.

I read today on one of my Mama blogs that I follow about a little boy named, Avery(age 2 or 3). He chocked on a hot dog yesterday and is now in the hospital fighting for his life. A ventilator is breathing for him. There is a 30% chance that he will survive and if he does, he will be a totally different child. Reading this, broke my heart. I am sure most of the people reading this blog have children who eat hot dogs. I thought of my children eating them just the other night with their cousins. How do these things happen? How did Avery's parents go from pure happiness to life shattering pain?

It brought me back to...how was I so unaware of so many things 18 months ago? I never knew what it felt like to lose a child..to carry your child for 35 weeks, knowing they were not going to live very long...to hold your baby in your arms knowing that they could die at any moment. To know now that I will never be the same. Everyone around me will never know the depth of my pain. My friends will never understand what we have been through. I know other Moms who have lost a child know the extent of my pain, that's why I am grateful and thankful for all the amazing Moms/friends I have made during this journey.

I apologize for being all over the place writing this post. I had so many different things I wanted to write about. I am off to bed to dream about my baby boy....
I love you Cayden.

picking up the pieces....

Where do I begin....
When I say that this past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life...it may be an understatement. I was taken so off guard. On Friday(Carter and Cayden's birthday) I couldn't even find the motivation to get dressed. It was terrible, I pretty much sat around and cried. I had planned on going to get Cayden's balloon's first thing in the morning to release when Ryan got off of work, but when noon came and I still wasn't ready to leave, I knew it was going to be nearly impossible to make myself go.
I finally went sometime in the early afternoon.
Lexy and I went into the grocery store and we told the woman our situation ans asked her if she thought what we wanted to do would work. She said, "well, it won't hurt to try " so I asked her for 6 multicolored balloons. I pulled each balloon open while Lexy placed each one of our notes to Cayden in the balloon. Then the woman blew them up and wished us luck and we went on our way.
Well throughout the day, Carter had taken a turn for the worse, his fever was back, coughing really bad and I figured I might want to take him to the Dr before the weekend came and we ended up back in the ER, so the Dr office said to come around 4...ughh, not what I wanted to hear! I was stressing so bad about this because we had planned to send the balloons to Cayden when Ryan got off of work at 4.
I was hoping and praying that it would all still work out.
Well, it didn't.
I ended up being at the Dr for an hour and a half. I got home just in time for Ryan and the kids to jump in the van and take off for Anthony's basketball game. We arrived home at 8. At this point I was so mad that I was taking it out on all the wrong people... I was so mad that the one thing I had wanted to do for my baby boy didn't go the way I wanted it too. I felt like... what is the purpose in going and releasing the balloons at 8 at night, his birthday is pretty much over. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who talked me into doing it. It was very cold out, but we drove to an empty field with a spotlight on the truck and stood outside together telling Cayden how much we miss him and Love him as we let all of our balloons and notes go. It was so beautiful, although it wasn't what I had planned.

I ended up going home and going to bed with a broken heart... yearning to hold my baby that is no longer with us and feeling such overwhelming guilt for not even celebrating my other baby's big day.

I lay there wondering how I was going to face this day every year for the rest of my life?
What kind of ritual was I starting?
Why couldn't I pull myself together and be strong like I do every other day of the year?

On Saturday, we took Anthony and Lexy to a support group in the area run by a group called kids grieve too. Amazing women!
The kids really enjoyed it. They got to meet other children who were grieving for a loved one they lost. I think it let them know that they were not alone. They sewed little mini pillows and decorated picture frames. They came home with a whole lot they wanted to talk about. It was supposed to help them out a little before the sad day that was approaching and it did.

Sunday was another hard day. It was the year mark since Cayden went to Heaven. We had all made a few origami boats with sayings for Cayden inside them. We placed a tea light in them and got a bunch of daisy's and headed to the beach to release them. Once again, things were not going as planned, but this time because weather was not cooperating :sigh: It was very cold...extremely windy, the waves were crashing hard, and I knew the boats would never be able to handle it all. So it was time for plan b. We decided to go to the canal and give it our best shot at releasing them. Unfortunately it was only a little better there. I had to climb down steep rocks and release the boats and flowers myself. The kids were not happy...they had looked forward to it all week. We took a few pictures and went home. I tried to explain to them that no matter what Cayden was looking down on us and he knew our good intentions.

At 7 Sunday night, which is when Cayden died, we stood by his table holding hands and said a few words for him and prayed. It was very sad, we all cried and hugged.


In the end, I survived it just like I knew I would. I just miss my baby boy so much. No amount of time will ever change that.... In the meantime I just have to pick up the pieces to my broken heart and keep going....
Mama loves you Cayden.

I came across a picture of my 2 boys the other day and I just love it so much. I wanted to share it.

Happy 1st Birthday Cayden and Carter!

I will start by saying Happy 1st Birthday Cayden and Carter! I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that it has been a year since I was holding both of my baby boys. In so many ways it feels like just yesterday and then at times it feels like eternity since I saw or got to touch Cayden.

Today has barely begun and it has already been such a hard day for me. I have cried so much. How can I look at Carter and not wish Cayden was here with us to eat his cake and open his presents too...I wish Cayden could be here with us to sing happy birthday to and go watch his big brother play basketball tonight.....
The missing link that makes my family complete feels so present today. It really feels just like I thought it would feel...how can you feel happiness when the pain is so overbearing? How can I celebrate that Carter is one today without feeling the guilt? I know Cayden is celebrating his special day with Jesus, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier for me....my heart is aching.

On a happy note, I would like to say that I feel beyond privileged to have carried Cayden for 35 weeks. I got to know him so well in that time. He was my little monkey, he never stopped moving. The ultrasounds always showed him hogging all the room :0 There was a few where it showed Cayden scratching carter's back too. Just thinking about these times makes my heart smile. We were beyond blessed to have him with us for almost 3 days. They were the best days of our life. This baby boy changed my life forever. I would do this all over again. I can not even put into words how I feel right now.

We have all written our own private little note to Cayden this week. I am going to go buy some balloons and place our note inside them before having them blown up. Then we are going to release them all this evening in hopes that they will reach him in Heaven...
Happy Birthday baby boy, we all love you so much!

I would also like to say thank you so much to everyone for praying for Carter. I didn't think it would be very nice of me if I didn't give an update on how he is doing. He is still sick(if you can believe it) 10 days now! A little bit better, but not much. The antibiotic the Dr put him on, upset his tummy so bad, that he has been pooing at least 10 times a day and his bottom is welted ::sigh:: He is still coughing nonstop and weak. In the meantime, my other kids have gotten sick too ::sigh again:: I must say...I have been praying ALOT.

A much needed prayer

Please say a prayer for Carter. We spent the night in the ER last night. He was diagnosed with RSV on Thursday and got worse. He now has a pneumonia. He is so sick and I feel so helpless. This is my first experience with him being sick since we lost Cayden and it has been so scary. After losing a child, it is so different when your baby gets a sickness this severe. My Lexy said yesterday before we left for the hospital..."Mama, I hope he doesn't die." It broke my heart. Most kids her age wouldn't say that, but after losing Cayden, death is an a normal conversation in my house. I just ask everyone to please say a prayer for my little boy that desperately needs it. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks in advance.

Praying for a brighter tomorrow

Have you ever reached a point in your life where you honestly do not know how much more you can handle? Well, I am at that point right now. (this is going to be a long one!)

My family has had a pretty bad start to the new year. My oldest son Anthony was beat up in school a few weeks ago. Being a mother, this was such a horrible phone call to get. I was so upset and angry, I had to have Ryan drive me to the school because I couldn't drive myself. My son was flipped out of his chair backwards in the lunchroom (and could have been paralyzed) and then punched in the head numerous times. We have decided to press charges on the other child, but with that comes alot of stress at a very hard time( Cayden's angelversary is right around the corner). note to all ----> this is the other child's 6th fight of the year and he had already threatened Anthony in October to punch him in the face and break his nose.
I felt that if the school doesn't want to put a stop to this child's behavior than somebody has to.

The very next day we were on our way to the police department to pick up the police report, when we hit some black ice, went sliding off the road, hitting a sign (which caused lots of damage to Ryan's truck) and ending up buried in a foot of snow with a very large tree inches from my window. Now at that point, I was feeling so many emotions again cause I had realized that thankfully, everyone is safe.... very shaken up, but the keyword is safe. Our truck is smashed, but I know that it can fixed. I also know that God was watching over us at that moment because the very large tree inches from my window could have killed us all.

So, a week has gone by and I am trying so hard to hold myself together for my children. I keep telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Well, this past Sunday we decide to take the kids sledding in the afternoon before the football game starts. Ryan, Carter, and myself are at the bottom of the very big hill in our neighborhood watching Ant and Lexy have too much fun when suddenly we see Ant's sled go flying over the bank and hit a tree. I scream to him, "we are coming, are you ok?"and he sits up and screams "help". Wow, another one of those moments where I felt like I was going to be sick. Ryan and I both took off running up the big hill, Ant was sitting there saying he couldn't feel his arms and he had blacked out. We went back to the car, dropped off Ryan and the other kiddos at home and Ant and I headed to the ER. They checked him out and said he had a mild concussion and to keep a close eye on him for a few days. Wow, another moment when I know, God must have been watching over us.

With all that being said, I woke up Monday morning so sick. I have no voice whatsoever and feel like I am swallowing glass when I swallow. We have court tomorrow and I have no idea how I am going to talk with no voice. I am so exhausted. In 10 days it will be one year since Cayden left us to go to Heaven. I miss my baby boy so much! My hands long to hold him, my lips long to kiss him, and this emptiness in my life longs to be filled by him. I know life has continued for everyone around us, but my life will forever be incomplete. No matter what smile I have upon my face or laughter that slips out from time to time, deep inside..... my heart is broken and can never be be healed.
I feel like I have this need to go above and beyond to protect my children since losing Cayden. It has always been there, but it is now so much stronger! I think I was so blind to things before losing Cayden.
Tomorrow, I will forgot about my sickness and be Anthony's strongest voice in that courtroom.
I tried my hardest to protect Cayden for the 35 weeks I carried him and I tried to give him everything I could during his short time with us. I can only hope that he knows how much I love him and will never let him be forgotten.
I will continue to do everything it takes to protect his brothers and sister that are still here with me now. My children are my everything..... The reason I go on....I love my 4 children with everything in me....
if only my love could have saved Cayden.

I am praying for a brighter tomorrow.

Mama wishes you were here Cayden, I love you.

40 years with a broken heart...

When I had just found out about Cayden having anencephaly, I was google happy. I wanted to know anything and everything about anencephaly. So, I signed up on google to receive an email anytime anything new showed up on the internet that had to do with anencepahly( I am so glad that I signed up for this because I have found so many blogs of Mommy's who have also lost their baby to anencephaly from doing this). So, as I was checking my email this morning, I saw that google had emailed me a newspaper article about a father who lost his son almost 40 years ago to anencephaly. I clicked on the link to the article:
( http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-01-18/health/fl-nbcol-birth-defects-month-brochu-020110118_1_infant-deaths-anencephalic-babies-pregnancies)
and as I read it, I sat at my computer crying so hard, barely able to read the article through my tears. It was so sad and such a reminder that the pain NEVER gets easier. It kills me inside to think about how fast this past year has gone by....and to think that I have to live the next 40 years without Cayden just like this father has lived without his son. It also amazes me what a small world we live in. The man who wrote this article lives in Palm harbor, Fl, the town where my Mom currently lives and I lived half of my life.
I think about how I didn't have any idea what anencephaly was when I was told that my baby had it, but now it breaks my heart to pieces to know how many babies have died from it and to think about how many moms are at home with a broken heart like mine because this condition took their baby from them......or to think about how many moms terminate their pregnancy because they find out their baby has anencephaly( just like this father talked about in his letter to his son). I would give anything right now to hold Cayden again and to tell him how much I love him...
40 years with a broken heart is a long time......
Mama loves you baby boy

Not sure what it will take to get me through it

I have been wanting to write all week, but have not been able to. We have had the worst start to the new year. I have been trying so hard to prepare myself for the boys birthday (that is only 3 weeks away now) and for some reason bad things keep happening to my family and I truly don't know how much more I can handle.

I am not sure if this past year has finally caught up with me. I just keep thinking about how quick this past year has gone by that I have had to live without Cayden.... and it is breaking my heart.
I think I have tried so hard to be so strong through all this. I kept my pain to myself and tried to help my kids get through it all without showing them how much I was hurting. It is a Moms instinct to protect her kids, regardless of the situation. So I always waited until I was alone to fall apart. Don't get me wrong, my kids have seen my cry for Cayden and they know how much I wish he was here with us, but they have not seen me fall apart after they are asleep at night. This whole journey has been so painful, but right now I feel a pain that I can't describe, almost like the day he passed away.

I remember a year ago this month, I was still pregnant and feeling both of my boys do somersaults in my tummy. I was so anxious to meet them both and so scared of the unknown. I look back and wish Cayden was still alive and still full of life inside me. To think of celebrating Carter's birthday without him seems so unfair and so wrong. How can such a happy day be so heartbreaking at the same time? How do you get through it knowing that Cayden should be here too? I am just dreading the day and wish I felt different. I wish I could pull myself together and just get through it, but the truth is, I don't want to. I close my eyes and can picture them both here together, the way it should be. Ripping open gifts, eating their first cake and smashing it to bits( Daddy's favorite part) but when I open my eyes, my reality hits and Cayden is not with us....it hurts.

I have one more thing I want to share that really touched my heart today.
I was up early this morning before any of the kids and I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee when I heard a noise down the hall. I went to see which of the kids was up. I realized after walking past Lexy's room that she was talking in her sleep so I stopped and listened. She said, Yeah! then there was a pause and a huge smile appeared on her face and then she mumbled something. I laughed and walked away. She woke up about 10 minutes later and came out of her room and said " Mama, I just had the best dream." I said "you did? what was it about?" she said "Cayden, he came back! The angels brought him to me!" Well to say that it tore me to pieces is putting it lightly.

The kids miss him so much, it kills me. I wish I could change things. I wish I could make Lexy's dream come true. I just try to keep his memory alive and hope I am doing everything a mother can do to help them get through this.
I am praying for a whole lot of strength to get me through these next couple of weeks.

Mama loves you Cayden!