Not all here these days

If I have realized one thing lately, it is that my grief has come back with a vengeance.
I had been feeling good most days for some time now. Of course, I have my moments, but I was actually amazed that what everyone had told me, "it gets easier with time," was true.
I thought I had reached a point where I wasn't crying all the time anymore and my days were so busy that I didn't even have time to think.
But lately my heart is heavy...
I cry at the drop of a dime.
I spent ALOT of time reliving in my mind what happened.
I think of things I could have done differently.
I think about all of the what ifs....
I feel on edge and snappy and frustrated.
I often try to imagine what my life would be like if Cayden was here.
I cry for friendships that I have lost through this, but I am so grateful that I learned who is meant to be in my life right now.
In a few weeks it will be 18 months since my boys were born and Cayden left us to go to a better place...
I can barely swallow right now when I think back on the past 18 months.
I hate that when I see a woman pregnant with twins or that has twins...I feel emotions that I can't control. I should be happy for her, but my emotions are taking over everything.
I cringe when I hear a friend complain about something so little...if they only knew.
From the moment I wake up, while I am in the shower, while I am cooking or driving, I can't help, but think of Cayden and wish he was here with us.
I feel alone in this big, lonely world. Everyone has moved on and honestly most days it seems as if Ryan has too. I try to talk to him ALL the time about it and he just listens and goes about his day....
I always have wanted a big family and lots of kids. I just love babies so much. They melt my heart. I don't mean like the Dugger's or anything. ;) I have always said I want 4 kids and I was blessed with 4 kids, sadly one of them couldn't stay here with me.
Unfortunately, Ryan doesn't want anymore kids after what we have been through. He feels we have been through too much heartache and that he is not strong enough to go through it again. I understand and admire his honesty, so I am ok with this. But I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am sad about it too.
Watching my baby suffer and have seizures nonstop for an hour before slowly leaving this Earth, was by far the hardest, most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. Of course I wouldn't ever want to go through it again, but I would if I was faced with it and it meant, time with my baby.
I feel like I am all over the place with this post..it kind of goes with how I have been everyday.
I am losing stuff nonstop ( I lost my car keys the other day and looked everywhere for days but could not find them. I was using my spare key and ended up losing that too!) Seriously...what is wrong with me?
I can't keep my thoughts together either.
I feel out of sorts.
My house is a mess (which normally I am good at staying on top of)
and in the end....it all comes down to one thing.
I want my Cayden back.
Without him, I am incomplete.

I love you sweet boy.

I feel broken

I am going to try to keep my thoughts together while writing, but they feel like they are all over the place tonight.

I repeatedly ask myself, why people say such hurtful things? I know I am probably sounding like a broken record right now, but seriously...I just don't get it!
Anthony and Lexy are taking golf lessons this summer... so the other day I was watching them play while talking to a few moms that I know, when out of nowhere one of them says to the other one, "hey, isn't your sister's twins?" Then they proceed to stand there and talk about twins... I seriously don't even get it. Just because I had twins and lost one of them, it seems like everyone wants to tell me about them or talk about twins when they are around me. Do people honestly not stop and think that it might be hard or hurtful to me? I feel like I can't go anywhere.

I know that I vented about my girls night out a few weeks ago too and how there was another woman there that was pregnant with twin boys. Well, I had wrote a comment on facebook that evening when I got home about having a great evening with great friends, but why do twins have to be everywhere I go....well the next day a friend of mine that was at the get together called me. She told me that she felt bad for me after what I had wrote on facebook, but that I am going to have to be around twins for the rest of my life. I think I know this, but the fact is that, that doesn't make it easier. You don't just wake up one day and say, "well I better get used to this." If it were only that easy.
I am so tired of being hurt every which way I turn. My own family does it to me too. They feel this need to talk to me about friends who have twins.

Well news flash...

I am incomplete...
I am brokenhearted...
I am tired of being kicked while I am already down.
If it weren't for my kids, I would not leave my house.
It is hard enough to know that the world has gone on and I have not. It has been 17 months and I can not even tell you how I have made it this far. I am still trying to figure out how to live without my baby boy. Why do I have to go places in fear of what someone is going to say to me?
It sucks.
I just want Cayden here in my arms and running around playing with his brothers and sister.

All I can do is think of my precious little boy who fought so hard to stay with us.. It kills me to think of the night he passed away and it breaks my heart that I had a little baby boy who was born without the top of his head. It scares me to know that time is stealing our memories we shared. They are still there, but they feel farther away.

No matter how long I had with Cayden, it was enough to last a lifetime. He was briefly in our arms, but he is forever in our hearts. He is with his Heavenly Father now.

I miss him incredibly so, but I am thankful that I have his brother to watch grow and to love with all I am worth. I used to be afraid of the day I have to tell Carter about Cayden, but not anymore.
Now, I look forward to it. We can cry together and I can share all of our memories with him. Twins share a special bond and I know Cayden lives on in Carter. They were together for 36 weeks sharing their space and bonding...it doesn't just go away because Cayden isn't with us anymore.

As I am learning to live without Cayden, I am also trying to learn how to handle people around me. I guess it is all part of this "new normal."
Tonight is proof that grief sneaks up out of nowhere. I have been crying like crazy tonight and just miss Cayden so much. Right now the pain still feels as raw as the day he died. I don't allow myself to fall apart like this very often and I know why...it feels unbearable.

I miss you and love you so much baby boy.

17 months

It has been 17 months today.
Another month without Cayden in my arms.
But yet another day closer until I will see him again.
My life is full of happiness and I have so much to be thankful for.
But yet, it is never enough.
I will always be incomplete without my baby boy.
Everything I say and do, always brings me right to him.

I want to write on here so much more than I do these days, but I hate that it seems like I am always saying the same thing over. I am a mama who lost her son 17 months ago. I have a broken heart that can never be completely healed. I am happy, but there is always tears behind every smile. I long to hold Cayden in my arms and kiss him one more time.

I hate that every night I go to bed thinking of his face instead of kissing it goodnight.

I am sometimes amazed that I am still hurt by what others say 17 months later..
Carter is pretty crazy these days. He has me going non-stop.
A friend of mine says the other day, "whew, can you imagine if you had two of him...no thank you!"
She was pretty much saying thank God Cayden didn't live because my life would be even harder.
I wanted to tell her...I would give anything to have two of him. I would do anything to not have had my son die...I still haven't figured out why people say such stupid things.

We had a fun night tonight at the beach watching fireworks, but of course as Carter played in the sand and laughed, I was thinking of Cayden..wishing he was right next to his brother playing too. That is nothing new though..I always wish Cayden was here to grow up side by side with Carter.

It is hard to believe that 17 months ago, I had 2 baby boys in my arms.... I miss Cayden so much.
Mama loves you Cayden.

Another hard moment

I had a moment tonight... a moment where I was taken completely off guard... I was not expecting it and I can not even put into words the pain I felt. It almost felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my chest....I couldn't breath...I was at loss of words...and the only thing that could go though my head was....get me out of here!!

I have been faced with twins many times since losing Cayden. I have talked on here about my struggles with the twin thing too, but I don't think that I have ever been put at a table with another woman carrying twins...twin boys. And I really didn't expect it to hurt so bad!

I went over to a friends house tonight for a girls night out of bunco...Now, I am not the type to go out. I love being at home with my family. When I am away from them, I feel guilty and wish I was with them. I think a lot of this has happened after losing Cayden. So, I had a few friends who talked me into going. As I was sitting at one of the tables, one of the girls made a remark about having 2 baby boys inside her...I did not know the girl. But suddenly people around me were talking non-stop about her being pregnant with twin boys. A few of the girls even knew what had happened to me. I have never wanted to leave a room so quickly. I found myself avoiding the conversation and trying to fight back the tears. I wanted to tell her that she was not guaranteed 2 babies in the end, but I didn't.

Now, I am back at home with my broken heart. I am reminded that life is NEVER the same after losing a baby and nobody will ever understand. Girls nights out...are not just a good time anymore. I am reminded how unfair life can be. I just want my baby in my arms. I want to remember what it's like to NOT have one of your babies die...to say, "I had twin boys!" without saying that one of them is in heaven now.

There is nothing easy about this journey. I know as time has gone on, the days get a little easier, but in the end, no matter how much time has passed...you still long for the baby you lost and the reminder is always there. The pain is always right there waiting to resurface. The only people I knew could comfort me, was my husband and kids that were at home or my other baby loss mama's.

I thank God and also all of you who lift me back up when I am down. I know as hard as this journey gets and as sad as I am tonight...tomorrow is a new day and I will get through it. Cayden is always with me..even tonight he was with me. I just carry him in my heart instead of in my arms.

Mama misses you and loves you so much Cayden.

Heaven is for Real

I just finished reading the book: "Heaven is for real." What a great book! I highly recommend it. There were so many parts in the book that made me cry and my heart smile. I hope heaven is exactly how Colton says it is...I look forward to the day I will hold my baby boy in my arms again, but until that day comes, it makes my days easier to think of heaven and how beautiful it is and to know that he is with all our other family and friends who left us too soon.

My faith has certainly been tested during everything we have been through. When I was a little girl I went to church every Sunday with my grandma in Vermont and I remember that I loved going! I went to Sunday school and I learned all about God and Jesus. I have tons of memories and pictures of all the plays I was in with my church. We moved away to Florida when I was in middle school, I started getting in with the wrong crowds and getting into trouble and I ended up going to church by myself to stay out of trouble. I remember going with my youth group in FL to a horse camp in GA, it was so much fun. I went to church during most of my childhood days and somewhere along the way, I stopped going. There was no reason. I still believed. I still prayed. I just didn't go to church anymore.

When I found out Cayden was not going to live long, my faith was tested. I asked, why? I struggled to find a reason why God could let such horrible things happen, but I never stopped believing. I still prayed almost every night. I knew the night Cayden passed away that he was with us...carrying us through it all.

While I was pregnant I was sent a care package from Laura with http://http//stringofpearlsonline.org/. The package contained a book called, The One Year Book of Hope. A few months after I lost Cayden, I began reading it and also reading my bible from when I was younger. I found such strength and healing in reading these. I have wanted to go back to church for a long time now, but I haven't taken that step yet. I feel out of place being in a new area and not knowing anyone or not even knowing which church to go to. I know these things shouldn't matter though.

I still question so much, but try to keep my faith. I know that my baby boy is in the arms of the Lord... safe and pain free. and everyday gone is one day closer to being together again. Colton's stories were such a blessing for me to read. It was exactly what I needed. It will be so amazing to meet again in heaven.

I am reminded everyday of all the blessing in my life. Thank you Lord.

Mama misses you and loves you Cayden.

Right where I am: 1 year 4 months 1 day

I will start by saying thank you to Angie with http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com . She has started a project called: Right Where I am. It is for parents to share where they are at with their grief whether it has been 5 months or 5 years. I think it is such a good idea.

It has been 1 year 4 months and 1 day since Cayden died. My heart is still every bit broken as it was the day he left my arms, but the pain has gotten more bearable. It seems to me like ever since I got Cayden's diagnosis, my life has been on fast forward. I know that it is because my 3 children keep me so busy. Most days it feels like forever since I last saw Cayden, but there are times where it feels like just yesterday.

My days are much easier to get through, but I do still fall apart. My grief is random instead of all the time. It can sneak up on me when I am least expecting it.

I am able to live my life and enjoy every second with Ryan and my 3 other kids. I smile and I laugh. I do normal everyday things. I never thought I would be able to do any of this after I lost him. But I do admit, I feel guilty for being able to do these things.

I do still long to have Cayden in my arms...I cling to every moment and memory... but I don't cry constantly like I used to.

My story is a little different though. After losing one of my babies, I still had a newborn baby to take care of. In some ways, it really helped me and in some ways, it made everything so much harder. Now, as my surviving twin is getting older, I am finding it harder because I envision the two of them together doing everything together. All of Carter's "firsts" were so different because it was a reminder that Cayden wasn't here to do them also. Carter's first birthday was nothing like my two older kids first birthday's because it was such a sad time for me that I found it too hard to celebrate and be happy.

Cayden is so much a part of my everyday. I think of him with everything I do. I do everything to make sure he is not forgotten. His life and death is part of our family. My children talk about him all the time.

I think something that still is so hard for me is hearing the word "twins." I often wonder if it will ever get easier with time? When someone says they have twins or are pregnant with them, it immediately feels like someone is ripping my heart out. I am not sure if I feel this way because they have what we were supposed to...I really don't know. I just know it still hurts really bad. And unfortunately, I hear it ALL the time.

1 year 4 months and 1 day later, I still read dozens of blogs (almost daily) of other moms who have lost their baby too. I feel so fortunate to have found some amazing friends through these blogs. I wish I wrote on Cayden's blog more than I do, but I often feel like I am repeating myself these days. I have said over and over how much I miss Cayden and would write about it everyday, but it is nothing new....I would give anything to have my baby in my arms instead of in my heart.

I have recently planted a few gardens and flower pots all around the outside of my house. I feel like in some ways it has brought me strength to do this. With every flower...I think of Cayden. I actually long for the day that we have our own house with a lot of land and I will be able to plant my dream garden for Cayden. At least I have something to look forward to doing in the near future in remembrance of my sweet boy. (to those of you that are new to my blog...my husband is in the Coast Guard and we move every 4 yrs. In 8 yrs we will settle in somewhere that we will call home for the rest of our lives and at that point in time I will be able to make Cayden's garden :))

So, that is where I am in this journey. I still miss my son so much and that will never change as long as I am here. I see nothing, but a blessing when I think of Cayden. I am honored to be his mama. I hope and pray that one day we will be together again.

16 months

16 months.....
I often find myself wondering how the months go by so fast since losing Cayden....
These days I find it easier to think of Cayden and smile. I still cry quite often, but I try to always think of all the happiness he brought to our lives.
16 months without my amazing little boy is too long, but sadly I know, I have soo much longer to live without him.

I woke up today and as I was lying in bed, the first thought to cross my mind was that it had been 16 months since I gave birth to Carter and Cayden.
I lay there thinking and longing to have Cayden lying with us too.

At 16 months old, Carter is doing so many fun things now. He is not only walking, but running. And with that, comes LOTS of falls :-(
He is so much fun. He says, "uh oh" constantly and he loves to say, "thank you" for everything. He is my little snuggle bug. He is definitely a mama's boy too, but he loves his daddy and his Ant and Lexy too. He is the light of our life and I know that he has helped me with this huge emptiness that losing Cayden left in my heart. I also know that seeing him do everything is just a reminder that he should have his brother by his side doing everything with him. It hurts and I am sure that it always will.

Although the days are easier to get through 16 months later, everything I see and do makes me think of Cayden.
If I see a butterfly...a rainbow...a beautiful sunset...flowers...
everything instantly makes me think of Cayden <3 When I listen to the radio, so many songs make me think of Cayden. No matter where I am at or what I am doing somehow, something reminds me of my baby boy. Even something random that someone says to me...reminds me of Cayden. I love it. I love that he is always there. Before Cayden, I thought, "it could never happen to me." Now, I know tomorrow is never promised. It reminds me of a post that I wrote awhile back about everything Cayden has taught me.

A good friend of mine sent me a link today to the song "Blessing" by Laura Story. It couldn't have been at a better time. I cried and smiled at the same time. I have heard the song before, but it has been awhile. I really didn't expect to have so many emotions today, so hearing this song and knowing that someone was thinking of Cayden, made my day....Thanks Holly B! I have now added the song to the top of my playlist.

Oh, I forgot to mention my "Godwink" that happened to me over memorial day weekend when I was in VT visiting my family.

In case anyone reading this doesn't know what a Godwink is, I am going to give a quick description from my friend Holly's blog page. What is a Godwink? (answered by SQuire Rushnell) A Godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

Well, I had just walked outside to go see my kiddos riding their dirt bikes...suddenly I realized that there was about 4-6 beautiful yellow butterflies flying right around me. Butterflies have always been a favorite of mine, but since losing Cayden they mean so much more. Well, my dad's house has a lot of land so as I was walking down to the field, 1 of the butterflies stayed right with me. I had my camera and tried to get a picture of it, but was unsuccessful. The butterfly followed me all the way down to where the kids were riding and stuck around for quite a long time....it really made my heart smile. Last June when I was in VT visiting my family another time, I had a similar thing happen to me. It was an all white butterfly and it was so beautiful. I remember at that time I couldn't even believe it had followed me and hung around for quite a long time, so when it happened again last weekend, I knew it was a "Godwink." I wish I had them more often! I just love my Godwinks!

16 months has gone by...I still have my good days and I still have my bad days. I still miss Cayden and would give anything to have him in my arms again. I know somethings will never change no matter how much time goes by.

Mama loves you Cayden.