8 months ago today Cayden left my arms to go to a better place. My heart feels so heavy today as I think of so much. Some days are better than others, but today is just not a good day.
Lexy came home from school the other day crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Mommy, I tried to tell everyone in my class what happened to Cayden and they all laughed and said who cares." At that moment I tried to fight back the tears and give her a hug and tell her how sorry I was. I tried to explain that those kids aren't trying to be mean, they just don't understand. It is so sad that my baby girl has to go through this. A child her age is not supposed to have a worry in the world, but instead she cries all the time asking me why Cayden had to die?
Right now, I am at loss of words...
I came across this poem yesterday and want to share it..

Grief is Like A River

My grief is like a river.
I have to let it flow
But I myself determine
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain,
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger,
My faith seems faint, indeed,
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need
Are loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift,
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift.

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past.
By swimming in
Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last.

8 months ago today, was the worst day of my life...a part of me was taken that I will never get back! My life will never be the same again...I miss you so much Cayden! Mommy loves you!

Happy 8 month Birthday Cayden!

Happy birthday Cayden! Wow, I have done it again! I am late posting this by a day again. It wasn't that I forgot though. I thought about it all day yesterday, I just wasn't by a computer most of the day and then I was so busy with the kids when I got home. I am finding it almost scary that the year anniversary of my sons birth is approaching rather quickly and that the year anniversary of losing Cayden is right after that. This time a year ago, Ryan and I were trying to find a way to tell Ant and Lexy that one of their brothers wasn't going to live! We waited 8 weeks to tell them. It was killing us that we were going to have to break their hearts. How do you sit down and tell a 5 and 9 year old that their world is about to be turned upside down and will never be the same again? Not only was my heart hurting so badly about just finding out about Cayden, but my heart was breaking for my other 2 children. People think in life that things like this will never happen to them and they take their children for granted, but it does happen...I am proof! The only thing that keeps me going everyday is my family and the fact that I know that Cayden is in a better place where he will never feel pain...and that when it is my time to leave this life...he will be there waiting for me! I miss you Cayden and I love you as much as a mother can possibly love!

Some people just dont get it

I really don't know how to start this.... All I can say is that some people really just don't get it! I have thought about and thought about it time again and I can't seem to figure this one out. If a woman was pregnant with twins and one of her twins passed away, do you really think that she wants to hear about twins all the time? I am like a magnet to people. I am wondering if it is just because they haven't gone through it or I am beginning to think that people are just plain hurtful. I mean seriously... I understand that twins are all over this world and they are a unique and wonderful thing and I am happy for the people out there who have healthy intact twins, but I do not. I was supposed to and sadly one of mine passed away. It has been 8 months tomorrow..which really isn't that long! I am still grieving for my son, why do you feel the need to talk to me about twins? I would never want to hurt somebody like that! I have come to a conclusion that all I can do is bite my tongue and pray for these people. I pray that nothing like this ever happens to them and that they will one day stop and realize how hurtful they are.

2010-10-02

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Time goes by too fast!

It is so crazy to me how fast time goes by these days. It seems impossible to think that almost 8 months has gone by since I gave birth to my twin baby boys.
It was the best, scariest, and worst day of my life! So many emotions all at once! I was feeling a lot of pressure and had gone into the hospital to get checked because when I called my Dr office said they couldn't see me for 2 weeks.. haha. what a joke..When I went to the hospital they checked me and said, "wow, you are almost 4cm dilated, we are going to keep you and monitor you for awhile"...well, 2 hours later, I was 5 cm, so they said, " call your husband, you are having the babies tonight." I was so scared.. I didn't want it to go this way...it was too soon. Cayden was still safe and growing inside me and I was still praying for a miracle. Then the stupid Drs ripped my heart out of me when they told me, " sorry, but we are not monitoring baby b due to his condition"...what?! Are you kidding me?..did I really just hear you correctly? So, you are saying that his life is worth nothing because of his condition? Shame on them!! It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.
So, as the night went on, the labor stopped. I ended up needing pitocin to start the labor again. Well, after a very long, hard, couple hours...Carter came into this world as healthy as can be...weighing 6lbs 7 oz(very big considering he was 5 weeks early). Well, unfortunately, Cayden didn't want to leave me. He fought so hard to stay with me. It took 3 very inconsiderate, rude, heartless Drs to get him out. After 30 minutes my precious baby Cayden came into this world. They swooped him away as I asked repeatedly...Is he alive? Is he ok? Where did you take him? What is going on? After about 5 minutes, the nurse said..well, he is alive..do you want to see him..or should we just take him away? Wow!! People really are crazy. He is my child. I carried him inside me for 35 weeks..I love him just as much as my other children! Of course I want to see him! As they placed him in my arms...I fell in love.. and knew that it was going to be the hardest thing in my life to let him go!! He belonged with me..in my arms!! Forever..how could life be this unfair?? Well, for the next 3 days..I barely let him go..I wanted him to know that when he left this life to go to a better place that his Mommy loved him so much. Cayden was such an amazing little boy. He fought to stay with us so much. The Drs and nurses couldn't believe that he was defying the odds. He eat, took a pacifier, held our fingers, and responded to everything. He cried and tried so hard to hang on and for this I am forever grateful!!! These Drs are so wrong.. they say that anecephalic babies can't do any of the things Cayden did, but it is all text book crap that they tell you.
On day 3..the Neonatologist came in my room and said, "well, we are releasing you to go home..we don't know how long Cayden will live, but we are going to get hospice to take over from here. My dreams had come true!! I was going home with both of my baby boys..God was amazing!! We were also getting a huge snow storm that day. It was so beautiful leaving the hospital with the snow falling and 2 babies in my arms. As we drove home, all I could do was cry..tears of joy and fear. We arrived home at 4pm. Cayden, then began to have seizures every 10-15 minutes. I have never felt so scared in my life. I held him and told him how much I loved him for the next 3 hours until he left us to go to Heaven. I believe that he waited to leave us so that he could see his home and leave the sterile walls of the hospital behind. Not a day goes by that I don't relive this over and over. I have been blessed with 4 beautiful children, but God had different plans for one of them. My heart breaks a little more everyday. It feels so good to share that day of our life with everyone. Cayden was such an amazing child and if I could share his story with the whole world, I would!

Happy 7 Month Birthday!

Well, I will start by saying: Shame on me for being a day late. Yestetrday Cayden would have turned 7 months old. I wish more then anything in this life that he was still here with us to celebrate all of his milestones with his brother! I feel so angry and sad that he was taken from us. I will never forget the day that I came home from the Dr and told Ryan and the kids that we were having twins! I never knew I could feel so many emotions at one time, but at that time, I never felt like my family was more complete. To look back now that my perfect has been ripped away from me, it just doesn't seem fair! Our family has struggled with the pain and heartache of losing our baby boy. The days get a little bit harder and the pain gets a little bit deeper. We have all dealt with this in our own way and it has pushed us all apart in some ways and that hurts me. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful kids who I have to be strong for and keep going, but with that said, it doesn't make it any easier, it just means that I have to learn how to cope with losing Cayden and still be a wife and Mom. This is all still so new to me. I don't think people realize how hard it is to lose a child and still have a surviving child. It doesn't make it easier that I still got to bring a baby home because I still lost a child! My son that I carried for 35 weeks died in my arms! Can people really think it was easy since we knew in advance? I wish people could imagine knowing for 18 weeks that you had your son living and growing inside you, but that he wasn't going to make it. Well, I have gotten off of the reason I came on tonight. It wasn't supposed to be to vent. I just wanted my angel in heaven to know that Mommy loves him and misses him so much! You stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on you in my first ultrasound. good~night Love!!!

so lonely

I was lying in bed tonight when I got this urge to get up and write on here. I just felt so empty inside and lonely! My heart is aching and I am yearning to hold my sweet baby boy. I have relived every second of Caydens life over and over in my head and it hurts a little more each time. I would give anything to be sitting in the hospital holding both of my boys again and to have his finger wrapped around mine. It just seems so unfair. It really sucks because life has gone on for everyone else, but not for me. I put on this happy face for everyone, but I am screaming on the inside! I remember being pregnant and how amazing it was to feel the both of them everyday. I miss that feeling! Everywhere I go someone talks to me about twins. I feel like I am being haunted by it. It makes me not want to leave my house, but the reality of it, is that I have a family that needs me to be strong and everyday, I get up and do the best I possibly can for them. I think Cayden would want me to do that. I really want to be happy and I try, but some days it is harder than others. Somedays I try to avoid anything that reminds me that Cayden is gone cause it hurts too much, but then other days I cling to every memory cause I don't ever want to forget how perfect he was to me. When I was in the hospital, I tried to hold him all the time because I was so scared that at any minute he was going to leave me and I wanted him to know that he was safe in his Mommys arms when it was his time to go.
I had twins, although it was only for a short time, I will always be the mother of twins. I miss him so much. I am going to go to bed and hold Cater close to me now.